Four Summers

Charlotte and I head back outside and we’re lucky a table opens up. It’s close to the building and toward the end, which means we’ll get about as much privacy as possible out here. Which isn’t much.

“You’re taller,” she blurts out and then her cheeks go a little pink. “I mean, I think you are. Maybe you’re not, but you look like it.”

“Your hair’s shorter.”

She touches it, making me remember when I used to do that. How she’d shiver and I wondered if she could feel it deep inside her the way I could.

“Yeah. I cut it a couple months ago.”

I think maybe I should tell her it looks good, but I don’t let myself. Just like I don’t tell her it’s good to see her outside The Village. Or ask her how she likes it. Or tell her I’m proud of her. All I ask is, “What are you doing here, Charlotte?”

Disappointment creases her brow, before she says, “It’s kind of a long story. So much has happened, Nate. I want to tell you all about it, but I don’t know if you want to hear and—”

“—Is your dad okay?” I cut her off. Yeah I’m pissed, but I would feel like a prick if something happened to her dad and I never knew. Wasn’t there for her.

“Yeah. He’s fine. As fine as he can be. He’s hanging in there. The MS seems to have slowed down a little which is good. He met someone.”

“Wow.” I never expected him to. He seemed like not much mattered except his family and The Village.

“He says it isn’t serious, but of course it is. She’s at The Village all the time. She helps out there, too. She’s a nurse and works three days a week. If she’s not a work she’s at The Village.”

I can’t help but wonder if that’s why she’s here. If her dad has help now and she’s coming for school or vacation or what. But then…I know she wanted California, so if she’s going to school, I’m sure it isn’t out here.

“That’s cool.”

We’re both quiet and it’s the kind of silence I hate. It’s not like I’m real chatty. Marisol could get like that sometimes and it drove me crazy. This silence is strangling and awkward. “What are you doing here?” I ask again.

She seems distracted, watching people as they walk by.

“Is there somewhere else we can go to talk?”

I almost say yes, but I feel like she’s stalling. “Here’s as good as any place.”

Charlotte flinches, making me hate myself a little. I don’t want to be the guy to make her feel that way.

“School…I’m going to Vassar in Poughkeepsie this fall. Alec and I are out here for two weeks getting to know the city a little bit.”

Aaaand, now I’m pissed. She’s here with Alec, but she called me. That’s not even the worst of the thoughts injecting anger into my veins. A familiar ache in my chest develops that I haven’t felt since last year. She left The Village for him. She’s going away to college with him. Maybe it makes me a selfish bastard to think that way. Her dad needed her and I always understood that, but I still wanted her with me too.

But now she’s here, in my city, with him.

“Bet your dad loves that. I’m sure he’s cool with you leaving for school since you’re with his golden boy, right? Have a good visit.” I push to my feet, but she grabs my wrist before I can get too far.

“I’m not with Alec. I swear. I never have been. He’s my best friend and that’s all, Nate.”

“Then why can’t you tell me what happened that night? If you’re not with him tell me why, Charlotte. I deserve that much.” She flinches again, but doesn’t reply. “That’s what I thought.”

Her grip loosens and I start working my way through the tables and people. I don’t know how I know it, but she’s behind me. She always gave in when it came to her future, but that’s about the only thing.

“Nate,” she calls, but I keep going. “Nate!”

I turn a corner and I’m slowing down. Damn, I’m an idiot, because even though I’m pissed I can’t make myself just walk away from her.

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” she says. Her eyes are red and her face is wet.

“Damn it.” My hand pushes through my hair and I duck into the alley next to us, Charlotte right behind me. “It’s been since August, Charlie! You could have explained a million times. I’m not stupid. I knew when I said we should try to be together that the odds were against us. Who the hell can make it last in a normal relationship, but we had distance, too. But I was willing to try. If you didn’t want to, all you had to do was tell me. It would have sucked, but I would have been okay. I’ve never lied to you. Even when we weren’t together and I went out with other girls I always told you—”

“—I didn’t lie to you, either! I’ve never lied to you! Alec kissed me, but it wasn’t him I wanted. I was caught off guard and then you showed up and all hell broke loose.”

“And if that was all there was to it, you would have told me then.”

I lean against the wall. I don’t want to fight with her. I’ve never wanted to fight with her.

“I would tell you in a second if I could, Nate, and you know that. It’s not my story to tell. This whole year I’ve spent trying to figure out my life. How to be who I am without you and without Alec or my dad.”

“And you lump me in with them? I’m the only one who ever pushed you to go for what you wanted.”

She groans. “That’s not what I meant. You’re trying to fight with me, Nate. That’s not why I messaged. I just want…I just…”

“You just what, Charlie?” It’s the second time I’ve called her that today. It feels strange. She’s always been Charlotte to me.

“I want out friendship back. I miss you. And I know it’s crazy and doesn’t make sense because you’re probably going off somewhere to school. I know you didn’t want to stay close to home and I’m going to be here, but it doesn’t change the fact that after everything, I at least want my friend back.”

My defenses are weakening, softening up with each of her words and I try to turn, but she steps in front of me the way I’ve done with her.

“I want to tell you about my year and explain how I ended up in New York and hear you talk about baseball and I want to look at the stars here with you. I want my friend…”

Her words echo through me. I study her face I know so well. The curves of her body, her hands that I’ve held and that anger is still filling me, but there’s something there pushing it aside.

I miss her.

I want our friendship back, too.

I’ve always wanted her.

I grab her hand and it’s a little awkward, but she doesn’t pull away. She’s breathing hard and all I can think is she’s still wild and crazy as always.

With my other hand I touch her hair and push it behind her ear. “I hate it. No one wrecks me the way you do, but I can’t help it. I miss you, too…”

The whole way home I’m still not sure I did the right thing. I wasn’t lying when I said she wrecked me because she did, but she’s also here and I never really expected her to be. I’ve given her so many of her firsts and she’s had so many of mine that I want this. I want to be the one to show her New York and pretend it’s the world.

I want to be with her when she looks at the stars in the city and see if she thinks they look any different than they do at home.

And I really, really need to stop dwelling over this.

I get home after six. Dad is there like he is most of the time now. Usually the only time off he takes is when we went to The Village every summer, so it’s crazy to see him at home so much and the way he takes care of Mom.

“I ordered pizza,” he tells me as I walk into the living room.

“Nah, I’m good. I already ate. Is Brandon here?” When Brandon’s in town he’s never usually home. He’s off doing whatever with whomever.

“Yeah, he’s upstairs in his room," Mom answers.

“Thanks.” Turning, I run upstairs, my te