Four Summers

I try to find the right words to say to him, but nothing comes. Soon Alec continues. “I just wa

There’s a part of me who hates him so much for what he’s done, for how things turned out, but my heart is crushed for him too. “You need to be the Alec you are. You’re one of the best people I know. There’s nothing wrong with who you are.”

Stepping forward, I pull him into a hug. We stand there for so long my legs ache, but I keep holding him. Keep being there for the boy who has always been my best friend. The only person I’ve known as long as my family, while he cries.

The world is so screwed up sometimes. How we make people hate who they are, hide who they are. It’s one of those things I hear about on TV or read about, but I never thought it would affect me until Alec.

“We could be happy, you know, Charlie,” he says after forever.

“What?” I pull away from him. “What are you talking about?”

“You know I love you. You’re my best friend and I’m yours. We could be happy. We’d never have to worry about getting hurt. About being left…”

Because I’m not the only one who got left behind today—or the last two summers before, either. This whole time I thought I was alone in my pain, but I wasn’t. Alec suffered silently.

“We’d always be there for each other and I love your family and you love mine. No one would ever know. We’d be happy,” he says again. “We always figured we’d run The Village one day anyway, and—”

My hand flies up and I slap him. “You asshole.” Suddenly everything makes sense. Why he hated me with Nate so much, but didn’t mind the other boys. Why he didn’t date much and let people assume we’d be together one day. Why he always, always kept me in the wings, because if he tried to help me with Nate last night, or didn’t care if I was with Nate, I couldn’t be here for him.

He’s always wanted me as his cover. To use me to pretend he’s straight. To live a lie. Nate threatened that. I feel used and cheated by the one person I never thought would hurt me.

“Charlie…I love you,” he says again. “I want to make you happy. I’d forget all about Brand and we could…ya know…”

No tears are left to cry. Nothing I can do to change anything. There isn’t doubt in my mind that Alec loves me. I don’t believe he tried to hurt me, but that doesn’t matter because he did nonetheless. “I know you do, Alec. But it’s not enough. Stay away from me. I never want to talk to you again.”

It’s not just Alec and Brandon I’m upset with either. Nate didn’t trust me. If we really knew each other the way we thought, he would have.

This summer took away from me the only boy I’ve ever loved, and my best friend. I’ve always depended on having Alec there…then Nate came and I wanted to always be with him. It’s time I leave that in that past, and only count on myself. I walk away knowing nothing will ever be the same.

The next few months are hard. Alec and I aren’t talking. I miss my friend. Nate is never far from my mind and my heart aches for him…but I keep busy. I apply for schools I’ll probably never go to because it helps to pretend and feels good to do something because I want it. Dad asks about Alec, and I won’t say more than we had a fight. No matter how hurt I am, I’ll never tell his secrets. Danielle and I get close and I date a couple boys and try not to compare them to Nate. In December, Dad meets Nancy. In February I ask Alec to the Valentines dance, because I can’t stop talking to him forever. We have too much of a past for that. He knows I’ll never play his game, but no matter what, we’ll always be best friends. I can’t imagine how it feels to be willing to do anything to keep a secret. Alec has enough on his mind, and I can’t abandon him. Some days I’m happy, some I’m sad, but I’m always wishing and hoping for my future—for my stars. Everything changes on a rainy afternoon when Dad tells me we need to talk…

“You and Marisol broke up, huh?” Brandon asks me as we head toward Columbia University. Brandon’s back early from Ohio. We took the train to the city and we’re on our way to meet Dad for lunch.

“Yeah… What’s the point? It’s not like the long distance thing would work.” I didn’t want to try and make it work. Neither did she, so it wasn’t a big deal.

“That’s a shame. She’s hot. Especially when she speaks Spanish,” my brother teases.

“How are you ending your freshman year in college and you’re still a douchebag? You never even met her.”

Brandon nudges me. “I didn’t need to meet her. Pictures and her voice were enough.” He winks.

“Fucker,” I call him. “You talk about girls enough, but I never see you with one anymore. We’re going to have to work on your game, man.”

“There’s more important shit than girls.”

When I look at Brandon, I see he’s staring in the opposite direction. “Yeah, football. How could we forget? Nothing can ever be as important as football.”

A woman walks right between us like we aren’t even there. Brandon drops the conversation and says, “I can’t believe you’re staying even closer to home than I did.”

“Columbia’s awesome for architecture,” is what comes out of my mouth, when really I just want tell him, me too. My mind tries to wander back to plans I had with Charlotte that we both should have known would never happen. It’s easier to slam the door now.

We’re quite for a few seconds as we make our way down the street. Brandon’s the one who speaks first, “It’s kind of crazy isn’t it?”

“Not a magic eight ball. Can’t read your mind.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” he tells me, but then adds, “Being in New York for the summer. I mean, it’s not that I care, because there’s a whole hell of a lot more to do here, but it’s just…”

“Crazy,” I finish for him. It sucks that he brought it up, but it’s true. Not that I really would have expected Brandon to say it. Yeah, he had fun at The Village, but that second year, he was pissed he had to go. The third, it was just for something to do. He never looked forward to it the way I did. Probably because he wasn’t a dumbass kid who thought he was in love with some summer girl.

Brandon’s quiet again and I wonder what the hell is going on. It’s usually hard to shut him up. You can always tell when he’s freaked out about something because he’s not blabbing about stuff.

I’m about to ask him what’s up when he asks, “Do you ever…you know, talk to her or anything? I ask because I know how you guys were so I didn’t know if you made up or whatever.”

My skin suddenly feels too tight. My mind flashes back to seeing her kissing Alec that night. Fuck, I thought I was over all this. It’s been nine months. “Nope. We don’t talk.”

“Oh… That sucks.” His voice sounds weird. Soft or something. “I’m sorry, man.”

Brandon stops walking, so I do, too. “What are you sorry for? It’s not your fault I was an idiot and thought she wasn’t really into Alec. They have their history or whatever. Nothing we can do about that.”

It probably makes me even more pathetic because that doesn’t really feel right. I know her and get her and can’t imagine her really wanting to be with him. But then she had her chance and no matter what the reason, she chose him when she kissed him that night. Chose to keep quiet about whatever Alec wanted her to and that says a whole hell of a lot. How could I trust her after that?

“Nate…do you love her?”

Brandon’s question socks me in the gut. Do I love Charlotte? I thought I did. Or is it I think I do? How the hell do you really know the answer that question? I know there has never been anyone like her. She made me see things and feel things no one else ever did. Something ripped me open when I saw her kissing Alec. Like she yanked out all my insides and I still feel the aftershocks from it. If he would’ve asked me that last summer, I never would have hesitated. I actually fucking talked to my dad about her and all I got was you're young and at that age, blah, blah.