Out of Play

I hold out my fist and Gramps bumps it, just like one of the guys in my band would.

“I like Mitch, but he’s not the one for Pen. She didn’t love him. Just thought she did. He was there for her when we lost my son. And again when people gave her a hard time for playing on the boys’ hockey team.”

Jealousy creeps up inside me. “Yeah, but he also chose some other chick over her.”

Gramps rolls his eyes. “Like I said, they’re not a match, those two. Which is okay. Nothing wrong with that.”

More silence. My leg is bouncing a little, but I’m actually feeling calmer than I was before.

“You really like her, don’t you, son?”

His words make it hard to look at him. Because I do really like her, but I also know I shouldn’t. I feel Gramps’s eyes on me and know it’s time to step up. “Yeah. She’s awesome. I don’t deserve her, though. She doesn’t know everything. No one here knows everything about me.”

Bounce, bounce, bounce. With my eyes, I case the place like I’m pla

“Then why don’t you tell me?” Gramps’s voice is softer than usual.

Can I do this? Can I open my mouth and say the words? It’s so fucking hard to admit what’s in my head. It’s different, knowing something and admitting it. Knowing is personal. It’s easy to lie to yourself. Or fool yourself. Admitting it? That’s owning it. Making it real. It takes balls to own it. I’m not really an addict. I didn’t almost die back home or get lost in Tokyo if I don’t actually open my mouth and spit out the words.

I try the deep breathing thing I learned again. I feel like such a coward, and I’m tired of it. And I think if I could tell anyone, it would be Gramps. Looking at him, I realize he’s probably the closest thing to a father I’ve ever had. That I ever will have.

“I kind of…have a problem with pills?”

“You—”

“No. I do. Not kind of.” I scratch my head. My arm. Touch my lip ring. Bounce my leg. None of it makes me forget what I’m doing. The stalling makes it worse. “I started right after I got signed. The crowds, they kind of freak me out. It’s like they’re trying to get inside me, so I’d take something to chill me out. Then, I’d get tired and need to stay awake, so I’d take a pill for that. Then I’d need help sleeping, which would call for another one. It feels good, ya know? Like I’m flying or…I don’t know… Light? It started to get fun. I started taking different kinds. Do you know how easy pills are to come by?”

For the first time since I started this confession, I look at Gramps. “I wanted to steal some from you.”

His eyes are crinkled at the sides. He gives me a quick nod. “But you didn’t, did you?”

“No. Not from you. I snuck some here with me, though. Took ‘em all. Took more when my friend, Marya

It’s almost like my words drift out but float back inside me. Whispering in my head to make sure it sinks in. I am an addict. Right now, my mouth feels dry. My heart is going wild again because I do have pills waiting for me. I could take them tonight. Or not all of them, but a few. Like for my last time, or whatever. Take some, dump the rest and then I’ll be done.

No!

“You wa

“I do.” Gramps’s voice is even softer.

More breaths. More bounces. More words. “My band had a show, and I was freaking out at it like I always do. The crowds…they get in my head. And then after, paparazzi were chasing me. When I got to Marya

I bite my thumbnail. “The room we were in was pretty quiet, but it all felt loud in my head. There was dancing, I think? Yeah, Marya

My cheeks are wet. Holy shit. I’m crying.

“It was like a fade to black, in and out. Part of me wanted to laugh with her, I think, because I stumbled and couldn’t get up, and I knew that should be fu

“Marya

I wipe my eyes, wishing I could bring myself to look at Gramps.

My leg still bounces.

In. Out. In. Out. I try to focus on my breathing.

“Mom and my manager made me come here. I haven’t done anything I’m not supposed to since Marya

Gramps’s hand comes down on my shoulder, and he squeezes. “It matters, son. It matters.”

I let his words sink in. Hear how he calls me son. That matters, too.

I let out a deep, shaky breath. “How do I tell her? I need to tell her.” My voice actually cracks.

“The same way you told me. You can do it, son. I’m damn proud of you right now.”

It feels good and bad at the same time. It feels so good for her to tell me he’s proud, but I don’t feel like I’ve done anything yet. This isn’t enough to be my “one thing” Gary was talking about. “But they forced me to come here. I didn’t do it on my own. And I haven’t been completely clean.”

“One step at a time. Can I have them? The pills in your bag?”

No!

In. Out. In. Out.

“Can you take them while I’m gone? My suitcase is in the closet. There’s a slit cut in the back. They’re in there.”

Gramps nods. “One step at a time.”

I can do that, I think. Some of the weight on me falls off my shoulders. “I’m going to tell her tomorrow after the game. I want to…” I clear my throat. “I don’t know…maybe that’s my first step to deserving her. And…rehab. I’m going to talk to Gary about rehab.” They’re my words, but I struggle to believe I said them. Two months ago, I never would have imagined this, but I need it. Need it for me, so I can take care of Mom and for everyone else who is important in my life. “I don’t want to be a screw up anymore… It’s time I was better. Try and be happy like Gary says.”

Gramps puts his hand on my shoulder. “You’re doing good, son. We’ll get through this together. I’ll be there every step of the way.”

I pull Gramps to me and hug him, wishing I knew how to say thanks. That I need him. That he’s been like a father to me, but more because he chose to be here. The way he squeezes me back shows me he already knows.

There’s a loud rumble of a truck from outside. Gramps and I pull apart and I wipe my face again. Gramps gives my arm another squeeze before I walk away. I get to the garage door when he calls, “Just don’t fuck it up, Rookie.” There’s laughter in his voice.