Out of Play

I don’t know how long we’re out here when they all pull up together in a circle. I’m not ready to go back—not sure I ever want to stop but know I have to. I rev up the engine before flying over to where they are, spraying snow all over Pe

“Think you’re pretty cool now, don’t ya?” She rips her helmet off, her white hair flying free.

“Don’t think. I know. I owned that.” My eyes don’t leave her. She’s so wild, this girl. I’ve never known anyone like her.

“Didn’t own me.” She turns her attention back to her friends. And she’s right. She showed all the other guys up. I have a feeling no one has ever beat her at anything. “You guys ready to head back?”

I watch them, the way they all keep their eyes firmly on her all the time. I wonder if she knows half these guys are in love with her. Or maybe not love, but they definitely want her. And respect her.

Or maybe they’re scared of her.

“Yeah, I’ve got stuff to do. I’m supposed to go to Becca’s,” Mitch says, and Pe

She opens her mouth to reply, but I cough and say “whipped” at the same time. Mitch scowls at me, but Pe

“Race you back!” She shoves her helmet back on and is speeding away before I realize what’s happening. All the other guys start shoving theirs on, but I’m faster, pushing the damn thing on my head and hitting the gas. I don’t know where the rest of them are, all I know is I’m catching Pe

The trail from the fields is smooth and fast, but each little bump makes me feel like I’m floating before the track catches again. This is seriously like flying, and I’m after that taillight in front of me, determined not to let her win. I can’t even explain how it feels. As good as it does when my sticks are slamming down on the drums over and over. Maybe better than that, too. It makes me forget everything else.

The stupid chat I had with Gary that didn’t do much of anything.

Why I’m here.

That no one is supposed to know.

Pat figured it out—there was no way to keep it from him when I bought the drums—and if he tells, I’m fucked. There was no denying it, though. He’s as into music as I am, and he knows me. Or he knows Burn, I guess. Pe

We both slide to a stop at almost the same time. I’m only a few seconds behind her. I’m panting so hard, I feel like I’ve been playing my drums for days on end. “Dude, I’m fucking awesome.” The words are broken up since I’m out of breath.

“What?” Her cheeks are all pink and a little sexy. Whoa. When did I start noticing her cheeks? “You didn’t win. We tied.”

“Yeah, but you cheated. You started early, we stopped at the same time, which technically means I beat you.”

“Are you seriously trying to win on a technicality? What is this, CSI?”

I start to laugh, but I don’t reply as the hum of the other machines gets closer and closer. I’m still breathing hard, watching her straddle the machine across from me. I kind of want to thank her for bringing me out, but I don’t really know how, so instead I say, “Whatever, I’ll give you this one, but we’re having a rematch.”

I suddenly can’t wait for it to happen. Then, I do the strangest thing. I take a deep breath, smelling the cold like I did with Gary, and thinking it might be something I’ll try to remember.

…

My body actually hurts when I get out of the shower. It’s the good kind of hurt, though. I haven’t done something like that in…hell, I can’t even remember when. I’m wearing sweatpants, a sweatshirt and socks as I fall onto the couch and kick my feet up. I’m out of cigarettes but don’t know if I’d have the energy to go outside and smoke anyway.

I look over at my drums in the corner and remember the new beat I played today. It reminds me of the song Blake was working on when I left. He writes just about everything we do, but sometimes I help. I miss that.

Suddenly, I feel like talking to him, even though I’ve been the one ignoring him. I hit the button on my cell to give him a call.

“B.R.!”

I laugh at the way Blake answers the phone. He’s always got a ton of energy. He said he had ADD when he was a kid, but it got better when he started singing. I’m not sure if that did it or if his energy just got redirected. That’s kind of what happened with me. When I started playing drums, it helped me forget my asshole dad. “What’s up?”

“What’s up? I’ve been trying to call you, you’ve been ignoring my ass, and all you can say is ‘what’s up?’”

I want to tell him I feel like he betrayed me. That he should have had my back, but I don’t. Instead, I just say, “Don’t want to go there. We aren’t supposed to be talking anyway. What ya been doing?”

He leaves it at that, which doesn’t surprise me. He knows me, and he doesn’t ever really expect me to talk more than I want to. “Not much. Chillin’. How’s Alaska?” He chuckles when he asks.

It feels kind of cool to talk to him again. “Fuck off. It’s Alaska. How do you think it is?” Flashes of riding today flash in my head. Some parts of it are pretty cool, I guess. “Actually, I went out snowmachining today. It was awesome. Those things go fast as hell. I want one.” Not that I’d have somewhere to ride it, but still.

“Nice. Who’d you go with? Don’t tell me Gary’s taken up extreme sports?”

I laugh because that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. “Yeah right. He spends all his time making me go on walks with him, working, or talking to Troy.”

“So who?” There’s some noise in the background and then Blake yells at someone to shut up. It bothers me for a second because I’m sure he’s with the guys. They’re all together at home, and I’m out here, but before I can dwell on it much, I remember what he asked me.

“Some chick named Pe

“You’re hooking up with an Alaskan chick? That didn’t take you long, man.”

“What? I’m not messing around with her. Though she is kind of hot…” Actually there’s no kind of about it. “I’m not here for that, though, remember? You helped send me here. I’m just getting by until Don gets the bug out of his ass and lets me come home.”

He ignores part of my comment and says, “So? You can’t get some while you’re at it?”

His question a

“Really? Nice. I’ll tell the guys. We’ve been screwing around with it, but I can see if they’re cool with setting it aside till you get back.”

His words hit me the wrong way. They’re working on our songs without me. He’ll see if they mind waiting for me? My body tenses up. “See if they’re okay with it?” There should be no problem with waiting for me. Everyone’s supposed to be on vacation right now, not only me. “We’re still a band, right? It’s not like I’ll be here forever. I’m doing all right. I’m thinking about bailing and coming home anyway.” Am I? Why not? If I can get the guys behind me, Don won’t be able to say no to all of us.

“B.R, you know that’s not what I meant, and…I don’t know if that’s such a good idea…I mean, you’re there for a reason, ya know? It’s not like—”

“Fuck off, Blake. Don’t try and play that holier-than-thou crap with me.” Fucking anxiety. My hands start to shake. They know me, so they should know I don’t have a problem. I’m not on anything right now, and I was fine before he started in on me. Actually, I was better than fine. Maybe even good.