Freeing Carter

What I need to say... There's a lot I need to say: about Mom, Sara, even about Kira. How I want to know everything about her. How I want to kiss her again, but I'm also a little freaked out about where it could lead, even though I also really want to go there. "So you really do want the whole baring-of-the-soul thing? I thought you said guys aren't good at that?"

"I only want to see what you want to show me. Otherwise, the pictures don't matter. Not if they're on display by force instead of want."

I nod. "I'm good with that." She makes everything make more sense. I'm not sure how she does it. It's like she confuses me and is crystal clear at the same time. I feel like I know her better than anyone else, but I really don't know her at all. Is it true what she said? That stuff about people with pasts or secrets? I'm not really sure I believe in that kindred spirit stuff, but I do know she makes me feel different than I do with anyone else.

"Yay!" She claps excitedly. "Okay, you can ask me since your first one didn't count."

I totally should tell her no, but I need to know what kind of things she's going to tell me so I know what I should say to her. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth. Hmmm, let me think." She sways a little, the water sloshing around her again. "You already know I draw, but I read, too. A lot. I like books that make me think. Books about people and who they are. Why they do things. Stuff like that."

I can see that.

"What about you, Coach? Truth or dare?"

"Truth." This is an easy one. "I hate to read."

"Ugh. And I thought I liked you."

"Hey! It's not my fault. It just takes me forever to understand it. I have to read everything like five times before it sinks in. Pisses me off when I can't do something, so I try not to do it." Even though I should be embarrassed about what I just admitted, I'm not. Which is a mystery for me to dissect later. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth, of course."

At this point, I'm wondering if we'll even need the dare. Did she just want to talk to me, but played it off like a game? I scoot a little closer to her.

"Okay. The first time I dyed my hair, I was fifteen. I've been addicted to it ever since."

We go on like that, back and forth, first with little things like hobbies and music, before moving up to irrational fears, first crushes and kisses. Neither of us pick dare, but we always ask. I'm about as close as I can get to her now, but it's not close enough. I can't stop looking at her hair with the stupid pen in it, or her cheekbones, or trying to smell her over the chlorine in the water.

Finally, when I can't hold myself back anymore I let my hand move to the back of her neck. My thumb brushes those little wet hairs and her skin is so hot against my hand, but it's still not enough of her heat for me. "Truth or dare?" I ask her again.

"Truth." But that's all she says. All the time in the world could have passed or none at all. All I focus on is her breathing and how it speeds up. Her eyes and how they drift closed. When I feel like I could burst out of my skin, she finally speaks. "Sometimes I wonder...if it's somehow my fault that they left me." Now she's looking at me, her big eyes staring right into mine, brave and unflinching. "I know it's stupid, right? I mean, I was a baby, but I wonder. Maybe I never stopped crying. Or they never wanted me. Or knew I would grow up to be to be something they hated."

It's no longer a game. The second she started this truth, I knew that. We really are baring our souls and if there's anyone I want to show what's inside me, it's her.

"Truth or dare?" she whispers.

"Truth." I concentrate on my hand massaging her neck. The difference in my white skin to hers. Anything except for what I'm about to say. Anything besides the sudden urge I have to go Incredible Hulk again. "My mom's an alcoholic. No one knows except for me and Sara's dad. Actually, that's a lie. I'm a liar because I let him think she quit."

Kira's mouth turns down. Her eyes look at me in a way no one ever has before. It's not pity, but it's sorrow. Like somehow my admission hurts her as much as it does me.

This time, I don't ask and she doesn't offer truth, she just gives one. "I don't know who I am or who I want to be. How can I when I don't even know where I came from? If the people who were supposed to love me gave me away?" Her voice is so soft that even though she's inches away from me, I have to struggle to make out her words.

It all makes sense now. Her style changes, hair changes. Being the straight 'A' student who likes breaking and entering. Or how she's not a cheer girl or a sports girl, but she lit up playing ball with me. No matter what I've been through, I've always known who I am. I'm Tommy and Delilah's son. I'm the basketball player. Sara's big brother. The keeper of Mom's secret. The liar. But Kira? She doesn't know. Suddenly, I need to give her something too. Like she showed me her pain and I need to show her mine. Even the field between us again.

"My mom's getting worse. Drinking more. Now it's not just me carrying her to bed at night, she drinks when Sara's home or hiding bottles at work and I'm so fucking scared that she's going to hurt herself. Or Sara. And it will be my fault for not taking better care of them."

"So you don't know who you are either, then? Because it's not your job to take care of them."

Her words take me back. But I do know who I am, don't I? No, I do. I can't reply to what she said because I don't agree with her. No one's ever really taken care of Mom. Not her parents, not Bill, the only person who did was my dad and he left her by dying. But she takes care of everyone. No matter what. Even if it does drive her to drink. Maybe that's the something she needs for herself? I don't know, but I do know I need to take care of her. It's what Dad would want.

"I don't know what it is, but I knew. Knew we had a lot in common. Even from that first day when you weren't paying any attention in English. I was...kind of heartbroken when I found out you had a girlfriend."

"I like you." Another one of my truths.

"I like you, too. Truth or dare?" she asks. And I know this is enough truths for one night. That we both need a break just to be.

"Dare."

"I dare you to kiss me."

"You didn't have to waste a turn on that I wouldn't have even made you ask."

This kiss feels so much different than the first one. There's more need and want behind it. Not the slow, tentative kisses. She opens her mouth and I get to taste her right away. Even after only one kiss, my tongue knows the contours of her mouth. The feel of her tongue.

She goes straight to my head, and I can't stop myself from reaching for her waist to pull her closer. To pull her on my lap so we don't have to concentrate on reaching. Just on kissing and touching. My hands fit perfectly, resting in the curves of her hips.

It's wild how different girls feel than guys; all soft, with so many dips and curves and valleys to explore. I've never wanted to travel so much in my life, but too soon, she pulls away. Leaning forward just a little, I let my forehead rest against hers. Our breaths mingle in a way I probably never would have noticed with a different girl.

"Truth or dare?" she asks one last time.

I don't even hesitate with my answer. "Truth. I'm really, really hoping we're going to start doing that more often."

Kira smiles, like always, all full of mystery, before standing up. "You'll have to wait and see, Coach. Come on. We don't want to risk getting in trouble. I think it's time to go home."