Freeing Carter

"Can I stay at Travis's house?" The words come from nowhere but the tenseness in my muscles, the ache in the pit of my stomach tells me I can't go home. Can't see her because then I'll be mad. I am mad, but this is my mom and I don't want to hate her. Which is what I'm afraid will happen. If I keep seeing it, I'll hate her.

"Mmm hmm. Of course. You're being good, right?"

Okay, so not tripping down the stairs drunk. She's checking on me. That means she's at that in- between period where it can go either way. It's that buzz where if she has a couple more, it's the Mom I want to hate. Go to sleep. Put the glass down and go to sleep.

"Yeah...I'm always good." And then because I can't hold the words back. Because part of me wants to fight back even though she might not remember it or know what I mean, I say, "Are you?"

Her voice trembles when she sighs. "Don't, Carter."

Don't what? I want to ask. No, I want to yell. Yell at the top of my fucking lungs, DON'T WHAT? Get drunk to forget all the bad shit? Shovel it on my son instead? But I can't. God, I can't. It's not her fault.

My hand shakes the same as her voice did. "Sorry...night, Ma. I'll see you tomorrow."

Instead of waiting for her to respond, I hit end, shoving the phone in my pocket as though that will make it all go away. Make it so this whole thing isn't real.

Why am I freaking out this much? I've seen this before, heard it before, but it's like all I hear is her voice right now. I'm dizzy, her drinks affecting me as though I'm the one who drank them. I believed her. How could I have believed her?

"Devin...don't. Not here."

Mel.

Heat flares over my skin, melting the ice from earlier.

"Come on...you said you were breaking up with him. Don't make me regret wanting a high school girl."

"I am...I think...it's hard. Winter Formal's coming up. I've been with Carter for a long time. My parents... Everyone expects—."

I can't stop myself from stomping through the leaves, around the shed and toward the voices walking the opposite direction. "Melanie." My voice is smooth, when I feel anything but.

She whips around. Devin, standing next to her. "Carter! Hey, I was looking for you. We were just talking. What's wrong, baby?" She starts to step toward me.

"Don't." I use the same word Mom just used on me. How can she do this to me now? Tonight? When all I need is something...someone to make everything else go away. Mom...Mel, do any of them mean what they say? "Well, at least I don't have to put up with your bitching anymore. It was getting old."

"What? My bitching? Don't talk to me like that, Carter." Her arms are crossed. Queen Melanie isn't used to anyone talking to her this way.

"Why? You're screwing Devin, aren't you? I figure the least I can do is call you on your attitude. I mean, I get it. Are you scared you won't be Winter Formal queen if we're not together? Afraid you won't have someone to drive your car for you at lunch if your boyfriend's out of school?" I turn to Devin. "Be careful, bro. She bites. Best make sure your clothes aren't too wrinkled for her, or you don't drop some fucking ketchup in princess's car."

It's hard to hear my own words over the beat of my pulse, pounding in my ears.

"Screw you, Carter! You're such a jerk! We're so over. I haven't wanted you for a while anyway." Mel’s face turns as pink as her lipstick.

I want to tell her no. That we're not over because I just want someone to go on pretending everything is okay with, but another part, a bigger part of me is grateful. So thankful to be free. To have one aspect in my life I don't have to pretend with if I don't want. "Is that supposed to hurt? Oh no. Let me go pretend I have a broken heart now so you can keep feeling good about yourself. So you can pretend to feel guilty while you're screwing around with this douchebag."

"Fuck you, Shaw. Watch who you're talking shit about." Now it's Devin who starts walking toward me.

Okay, so this probably isn't something a guy should admit, but I've never been in a fight in my life. I’m okay with keeping that record, but there's no way I'm backing down to him. "Or what?" I step forward too. "What are you going to do about it?"

Another voice bursts into our conversation. "Okay boys, as much as I love a good testosterone fest, I'm thinking we all need to simmer down." Kira steps between me and Devin, her hand on my chest. "Come on, Mike Tyson. Let's get out of here."

"What is she doing here?" Mel screams. "Are you messing around with her, Carter?"

Who does she think she is?

"Yeah, from what I heard, you're not one to talk. Besides, you just dumped him, so I'm not sure why you care," Kira says over her shoulder.

"Screw you! I hate you, Carter. You ruined everything!" Mel turns and runs the opposite direction. The douche follows her.

My breaths are still pushing out fast and hard, my hands still fisted.

"Easy there, Tiger. Come on. Let's go."

Mom. Mel. Mom. Mel. How could everything fall apart in one night?

"Carter...she's not worth it. Let's go toss some baskets or whatever it is you do when you need to relax."

My eyes dart to hers. Somehow that gets my attention. "Toss some baskets? You really need a lesson in basketball."

Still, the night isn't forgotten that easy. I feel like a chump. Step up! Let's see how many people can fool Carter Shaw! One empty promise to quit and I believed Mom. And Mel. I knew something was going on, but I ignored it.

I fall back against a tree, both my hands ru

"Hey...you okay? You look like you're about to puke or something."

I open my mouth, not knowing what's going to come out. "I seriously think you're following me. You know, if you want to hang out, all you have to do is ask."

A small laugh escapes her mouth. "Good try, but no cigar. You're pissed about something and I have a feeling it's a lot more than just your ex-girlfriend, but I'll play along if it makes you feel better. I was helping Travis look for you. He's leaving, but wanted to talk to you first."

My body sags a little. I hadn't wanted her to have an excuse for finding me.

"Shaw! Where the hell are you?" drifts toward me from the house. My feet itch to run, not wanting to see him. Not wanting to see anyone right now. I feel like I'm one step away from cracking, which I ca

"Back here!" I try to make myself smile, try to push everything else away and be the Carter everyone expects me to be.

Travis comes stomping over a few seconds later. "What? Oh..." His eyes linger on Kira.

"Yeah, not what you're thinking, man." I make myself laugh for good measure.

"Damn. I'm sorry." He gives a real laugh and Kira rolls her eyes. I hear her mumble something that sounds like, "boys."

"Beer's almost gone here. I'm out. We're going to go play some pool or something at Roger's house. Wa

I pass a reply back and forth in my head. Yes, no, yes, no. No wins. I can't be Happy Carter tonight. "Nah, I think I'm go

Travis nods. "Yeah. Roger's girl doesn't drink. She's driving." He holds his fist out for a bump. "Have fun," Travis winks. "Text me tomorrow." Then he's stumbling away again.