Freeing Carter

Guilt slams into those thoughts. This is Mom. Didn't I just tell Bill she'd never let anything happen to Sara? That she'd always take care of her and that she'd never get hurt? Is it that easy for me to turn my back on Mom? Maybe it wasn't what I thought. Maybe she realizes how wrong she was and it will never happen again. What kind of son jumps to conclusions like this the first time?

"Barney! Barney!" Sara slides into the kitchen, her sock-covered feet skidding on the floor. She's out the other side before I have the chance to say anything to her and the TV is on. She can work a TV and DVD player like nobody's business.

A second later Mom walks into the kitchen. I try to ignore her, not sure what to say, but I keep seeing that glass. Her stepping out of the closet, knowing Sara's asleep in the next room.

I'm not sad anymore. The guilt is gone, replaced by heat. Anger. How could she pick that bottle over Sara?

Suddenly, I don't want to study her. Don't want to see her eyes, or hear her speak. I just want out. To escape it and pretend everything is okay.

Done with my soggy cookies, I push to my feet and head for the kitchen door. Little mini-eruptions go off inside me, readying me for the big one I know is coming.

"I'm sorry."

Her words make me freeze in the kitchen door. We've never talked about it this way before. She didn't even mention what she's sorry for, but I know and there have never been apologies before. Usually it's something we pretend doesn't exist.

"It was a hard day. Your grandpa was angry...and..."

My hands clench. I hate him. Hate him for what he's done to her.

"But that's not an excuse. I'm sorry, Carter. It won't happen again."

I don't turn around to look at her. The sigh that comes from her tells me she's glad I didn't walk out. I'm glad too because I hear it in her voice. The hurt and fear would break me if I saw it in her eyes.

I'm sorry...

It won't happen again...

Those words wipe out the explosions inside me. Sober apologies are real. I know it. They have to be. She wouldn't lie about something like this. Would she? No...No, this is Mom and she wouldn't lie about something this important. Not to me.

Suddenly, I can breathe. I didn't even know I couldn't before. But it's going to be okay now because she said it won't happen again. "It's okay, Ma... It's okay."

I risk a quick glance at Mom before I walk out, feeling lighter than I have with her in a while.

My truck purrs to life when I start it. I have a ton of finished homework in my bag, and practice tonight. I'm determined today's going to be a kickass day. Okay, maybe that's stretching it, but a good day. A normal day.

I need normal, no drama.

Mel pops into my head, our arguments and what I'd decided to do last night.

Or what I think I'd decided. But were things really as bad as I was thinking last night? I mean, thirty minutes ago I was freaking out about Mom and now I'm suddenly sunshine and rainbows or something. Maybe things with Mel will get better too.

Or maybe I'm being too weak to risk the wrath of ending it. Is it wrong trying to hang on to the calm—the hope that for once everything really might be okay?

It's not until I get to school that I start to wonder... Did Mom mean it will never happen again, or just not when Sara's home?

***

We decide to go out to lunch today. Mel's driving with me in the passenger seat. Trina and Travis are in the back, sitting way too far apart from each other. Well, as far away as you can get in a Bug, that is. Her arms are crossed, obviously mad about something while Trav drums on his legs to non-existent music.

"What's with everyone today? Someone kick your puppy?" I reach over and put my hand on Mel's leg. It feels different. I've been touching this girl's leg for a year. Makes no sense that it would somehow feel different now. And not in a good way either.

"I'm in a good mood," I say, squeezing her leg. "You are too, aren't you, baby?" Liar, liar pants on fire. For a second I wonder if Mel will pick up on it the way Kira did. If suddenly I'm not a good liar anymore and she's going to call me on it. Tell me I'm fake, but she only looks over and smiles.

"I'm always in a good mood. I have a notebook in the glove box. Can you grab it?" she asks. I put it on her lap, but don't put my hand back, feeling wrong all of a sudden.

Lunch isn't long enough to eat there, so we grab our food to go. I drive Mel's car back so she can eat easier, picking at my own fries as we go. The car is way more silent than it should be, which gives thoughts and memories time to jump around in my head. So don't feel like going there. I'm determined to make this day, hell, all the days after it too, into something better than they've been.

"So, you guys want to do something this weekend? Maybe for the night? I'm sure I can pull the staying-at Travis's-card." It's then the genius of my mind strikes me. This is the perfect plan. I'm feeling a little weird about what happened with Mom anyway. Sara's going to be with Bill. Maybe it will help me and Mel, and Travis and Trina at the same time.

"Can't," Travis says. At the same time, Mel and Trina speak up about some cheer sleepover.

"What?" Anger starts to creep in. "Cheer sleepover? You guys have never done that before, have you?"

"Dude, let's plan a team night out!" Travis jumps into the conversation, but I'm still on the cheer thing.

"Mel, weren't you the one saying we never get to see each other?" Wow...I sound like a girl. What's wrong with me? Really, it's not even that I care. Do I?

I glance at Mel quickly, seeing if I feel that urge to touch her. Trying to figure out if it's really her I want to spend time with or if I'm a jerk who's using her because she gives me the sense of normal I crave.

"It's something new Trina and I came up with. We're captains this year and we really want to bring the team together." Mel's head is buried in a text on her cell. She looks up at me only to say, "Umm, careful. You're going to drip ketchup on my car."

So, Mel can't hang out. My body suddenly relaxes, and I pop the dripping fry in my mouth, not even realizing I'd been tense at the idea of spending time with her. It's like my body and brain are at war with each other. My head is telling me to do whatever I can to make this work because it fits. We fit. But my body? I'm just not sure I'm feeling it anymore.

When we get back to school, Trina and Mel go their way, and Trav and I head to English. It's not until we're almost there that I realize Mel didn't kiss me goodbye. Really, it's not a big deal, but for her it is. I mean, it wasn't too long ago Travis gave me shit about Mel and her leash.

"Is it weird that before we could hardly get two seconds to ourselves and now they want nothing to do with us?"

"Nope." Travis shakes his head. "It's normal. People grow...change...get antsy. I'm pretty sure there's an expiration date on all relationships."

I raise my eyebrows at him, wondering when he figured all this out. When he turned into Mr. Cynical all of a sudden. "And how close are we to ours?"

Travis pats me on the shoulder. "Just about expired, my friend." He turns and walks into class. In my head, I know he's right. I'm pretty sure we're past the expiration date, I'm just not man enough to clean out the fridge.

***

Mrs. Z's praise of my homework gives me a high that carries me to practice. Here, I don't need anything else but a ball in my hand and four teammates with me on the floor. When practice is over, Mel and Trina disappear to do whatever it is they're doing lately, leaving me and Trav on our own.