Charade

              I lay my head on his chest. Feel his heart beat against my cheek. I wish we were as physically bare as we are emotionally.

              One of Colt’s hands slides under my shirt, teasing the sensitive skin at the small of my back, while the other runs through my hair. I’m struck again at how close we are. I wonder if he realizes how much he’s giving me right now.

              “My mom was the youngest…spoiled and rebellious. She got into a lot of trouble and my grandparents always let her slide. She kept it up and according to my aunt, ran away with a boyfriend when she was eighteen. She hadn’t finished high school yet. Of course she got pregnant with me and it didn’t last. She went back home, but the urge to party was too much so she left again—taking me with her.

              “I don’t really remember my grandparents. When they died in a car accident, I guess she got worse. Aunt Lily says they didn’t know where we were half the time and then Mom would show up with me. She’d leave me with them for a few days, come back and take me away again.”

              I hate the way the story sounds. The way it paints her. I’m not sure if that’s good or not. “She was fu

              Colt’s so silent, if it weren’t for his hands forever moving I would think he fell asleep. I’m thankful for the quiet. I don’t know if I would keep going if he interrupted me.

              “Anyway, long story short. She still liked to party and she’d bring me with her. At one of the parties, she took off—probably with a guy or something. She told me to stay in the room.”

              I burrow close to him, hoping his heart against my cheek will pump strength into me.

              “It was dark… so dark and this man and woman came in. They were laughing and kissing. The music was loud in the house. I tried to hide, but they turned the light on and saw me. They laughed and I ran.”

              I stiffen, the familiar thud of panic pulsating through me.

              “I got you.” Colt squeezes me. I’ve never felt as close to another human being as I do in this moment.

              “It was crowed…so crowded and loud. I couldn’t hear anything over the music. All I wanted was my mom. I pushed through the people. They spilled beer on me and tripped over me, but I couldn’t find her. She was lost.”

              I take a couple deep breaths.

              “I stumbled into the backyard and finally, finally I could hear. The music was in the background, but I still couldn’t find her. I started to cry. That’s when the guy found me…he was big, with a big scruffy beard, I’ll never forget it.”

              Colt cursed. I’ve never heard his voice so tight. “Did he hurt you?” I feel him swallow hard, his stomach against my chest.

              A few tears spring free. “Almost.” I whisper.

              I’ll help you find your mama.

              “He told me he’d help me find her. At first he grabbed me and I was scared, but then he said he knew where she was and I went with him. I didn’t know. I swear to God, I didn’t know, Colt.”

              I’m crying harder now. The tears flow freely, wetting his shirt. Colt’s hands tighten around me. He shushes me and kisses the top of my head.

              “You don’t have to say anymore, baby. Christ, I’m sorry. So fucking sorry, I asked.”

              I shake my head because now I need to get it out. I need to say it for the first time in my life.

              “We were in an old, rundown neighborhood. The house next door was empty and he brought me to it. I remember my heart pounding so hard. I don’t think it ever beat that hard, but all I wanted was my mom. I wanted to find her and go home where we could laugh and be normal.

              “As soon as the door closed behind me he shoved me into a wall. I hit my head and fell. I remember freezing. I knew I should get up and do something. Run, but I couldn’t make myself do it.

              “He bent down.”

              Please. Please, stop.

              “His beard scratched my face. His breath made me want to puke.”

Colt’s so still I don’t know if he’s even still breathing. He’s holding me so tight, it hurts, but I need it too.

“How old were you?”

“Seven.”

He curses again.

“His hands were at my pants, Colt. They were unbuttoned and unzipped. I tried to kick him and he hit me. He went for my pants again.”

God this is hard. So, so hard.  “That’s how close I was, to…But someone came in. It sidetracked him. I finally made myself run. I ran all the way home in the middle of the night and she was there. She’d forgotten about me and left me. How could she forget me?”

              Colt sits up, holding me in his lap. My arms go around his neck and I cry. I cry for that little girl who learned that night never to count on anyone. For the one who still didn’t want my mom to leave me when she brought me to Aunt Lily’s. The one who felt abandoned. Who never let Lily in. Or Gregory. Who made the panic seem like less to the doctors because I thought if I somehow made myself perfect, it would mean the people I loved wouldn’t leave me.

              Who asked Colt to be my fake boyfriend just to prove to Gregory I didn’t need him.

              I cry for the person I am now. Who doesn’t know if I should hate my mom for leaving me. If she really did abandon me or if I wanted her to have or not.

              “You don’t have to do it on your own. Let me take some of the weight, baby.”

              But he has so much already. “You have your own problems.”

              “We’ll share each other’s.”

              My hand tightens in his hair and I keep crying. Colt doesn’t pull away. Doesn’t rush me. Just holds me like he’s done so many times before.

              Finally after what feels like an eternity, my tears stop.

              It must be really early morning because the sun is begi

              I look at Colt. His eyes look red. From lack of sleep or maybe from something else. I don’t know. His hand cups my cheek. “You okay?” he finally asks. We’re close. So close as I sit on this lap.

              “Yeah…thank you.”

              “I’m fucking good at this boyfriend shit. Who would have thought?” Boyfriend. I like the sound of that. I give him a small smile because it’s all I can muster. I appreciate the attempt though.

              I suddenly need him more than my next breath. To feel him in a way I’ve never felt anyone else. Yes, we’ve done this before. I’ve done it before. But this will be different.

              “Please…” I try to climb closer to him. Inside him. “I need you.”

              “Chey…”

              “No. Don’t do that. It’s okay. Nothing’s changed.”

              We both know that’s a lie. Everything’s changed, but not in the way he’s thinking.

              “I love you,” I say again, this time completely awake and in control of my words.

              He presses his lips gently to mine. “You too…”

              I gasp a little, shocked that he said it. No he didn’t use the word love, but it’s close enough.

              “I told you earlier too.” He seems to read my mind.

              “I didn’t hear you.”

              When he stands up, I whimper thinking he’s going to walk away. Colt crooks his finger at me. “Come here, Tiny Dancer.”

              My heart raps frantically against my chest. Heat floods my body. I look at him.

              And stand.

~CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE~

Colt

              I’m being a prick again, but I can’t seem to stop myself. She just told me about a man putting his hands on her and here I am about to strip her bare and do the same thing. I should just hold her at a time like this, but Christ, I want her and she wants me too.