Charade

              I huddle in the corner, my knees pulled up to my chest and my hands still on my ears and my eyes squeezed closed. She’ll be right back. She promised. The door pushes open and I don’t know how I know, but I do. I let out a breath, knowing it has to be her. My eyes jerk open. A guy, a big guy with a beard comes in and a woman too. They’re kissing and it’s gross. Their hands are all over each other. What are they doing?

              “Vince. There’s a kid in the corner.” For a second I wonder if they’ll help me. If they’ll find my mama for me, but then they both start to laugh. My eyes are stinging and tears slide down my cheeks.

              “Get out of here, kid! You don’t wa

              I push to my feet and run out of the room. There are people everywhere. So many people I can hardly get through. They push me and step on me and the music is so loud it makes my heart pound.

              I keep searching through the house. Searching for people. For Mama. The house stinks, but I don’t know what the smell is. Someone spills a drink on me and I cry harder. This smell I know. It’s beer. Mama’s old boyfriend used to like to drink it.

              No one offers to help me.

              I can’t find Mama.

              She left me alone.

Another voice. Another man… “I’ll help you find your mama…”

Sitting up, I shudder and wipe the tears away. I’m not that kid anymore. I don’t want to be defined by those memories. I try to focus on the here and now.

I might not have completely let Gregory into my heart like normal girlfriends do, but I trusted him more than I should have. I vow to myself right then and there I will never make that mistake again. People hurt you if you let them. I won’t be hurt again.

With a glance in the mirror I see that I look halfway decent. There’s only a light pink tinge to my dark brown eyes. No red blotches mark my clear skin. Opening my purse, I pull out my eyeliner and reapply. Mascara comes next. I even add a little lip gloss. Still looking in the mirror I reiterate, “I’m not that kid anymore.”

That quickly, I’m Cheye

One deep breath later, I start the car again and drive away.

***

“Men are such assholes. My last boyfriend cheated on me, too. Things are so much easier with Veronica.”

              My eyes snap over to my dorm-mate. School’s only been in a couple weeks and we’re never here at the same time. This is probably only the third time I’ve spoken with her. “How—”

              “I’m bisexual,” Andrea sits up on her bed. “Problem with it?” Her pink hair is tied back in a ponytail and she’s wearing a pink volleyball shirt.

I’ve never known someone who likes both girls and guys before. I don’t know why, but I would expect her to look different.

              I stop studying her when her question sinks in. I straighten up as though that will make me less transparent. One look at me and she knew about Gregory. “No. I was going to say how did you know my boyfriend cheated on me?” See how nonchalantly I said that? It’s because I don’t care.

              I need her to think I don’t care.

Without waiting for her to reply, I turn over, facing the wall as I settle on my bed. The last thing I want is for her to see I really am upset. How embarrassing is this? My first two weeks in college and I find out my boyfriend is sleeping with other people. Or at least one other person.

How did this happen to me?

“Hiding in your bed, isn’t going to make it go away.”

“I’m not hiding,” I tell her without moving.

“He’s not worth it. Don’t let him get you upset.”

How does she know what Gregory is worth? That isn’t what I say because I’m not supposed to be upset. Not over a guy. I’m better than that. “Please. Like I’d let him hurt me. I’m over it. Just tired, Andrea.”

She shuffles behind me and I’m pretty sure she stood up. “Sure you are. And the name is Andy.”

The door creaks open and then slams closed. My heart jumps at that sound. Who does that girl think she is? Pretending to know me when she doesn’t have a clue who I am. I bounce back. Move forward. Forget the past where people leave me behind.  I’m definitely not going to let Gregory and Red get me down.

Which is exactly why I should get out of this bed right now and move on. Find that guy I lied about or go to a party. Do something. I’m in college and nothing should have me lying in this bed.

But I’m tired. Too tired to do anything, so instead of getting up, I pull a blanket over my head and try to figure out what happened to my life.

***

“You sound tired,” Aunt Lily says through the phone.

“Do I? I’m not sure why. Everything’s fine. ” I swing my legs off the side of the bed and sit up. The second I push my dark hair behind my ear, it flops free again.

Aunt Lily sighs. “If you’re sure.” For just a second I wish she’d push. Wonder if I could tell her, but that means letting her in. I don’t need to be pushed.

I stand. There’s no reason for me to still be in bed. It happened, nothing will fix it, so I might as well get over it. There’s no point in dwelling on facts. Not when they’ll be there no matter what I do.

And there’s also no point in holding off on this. Aunt Lily and Uncle Mark will find out. It’s better if it comes from me. “Gregory…he cheated on me.” The words make me fall back to the bed. Saying them makes it more real. He cheated on me. I played the perfect game. The perfect girlfriend and it still wasn’t enough.

Lily sucks in a breath. “You’re sure?”

“I came back to campus early and I found them together.”

There’s a few seconds of silence on the line. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”

I hear the pity in her voice. Know exactly what she’s thinking. After all she’s been through, she shouldn’t have to deal with this, too. I don’t want pity. “I’m fine, Lily. It’s really not a big deal. I was thinking of breaking up with him anyway.” The lie rolls easily off my tongue.

She pauses and I wonder if she wants more from me. Wishes I could let myself be closer to her. Really let her in. For a second, I let myself wish it too.

“It still can’t be easy. Are you sure? You never let anything get you down, Cheye

All over again, I feel like I might vomit. My head pounds. Stop it! I’m past panicking. I don’t let myself freak out anymore. “It happens, Lily. I’m shocked, but they say most young relationships don’t work, right?” I play the game, hoping she buys it.

Aunt Lily sighs. “I’m proud of you… Your mom would be too,” she adds.

With that my body tenses. Would she? I don’t know. The woman I knew doesn’t seem to be the same one Lily grew up with. The one I knew left me alone at drunken parties and didn’t care if I went to school or not. A flash of Mom’s smile jumps into my head and makes my heart hurt. I loved her smile. Loved her laugh.

My eyes sting again. “Someone’s at my door. I need to go,” I lie and hang up.

I fight for renewed strength to push through me. I won’t be that little girl again. I don’t need Gregory. Anyone. I’ll show him I can move forward. I’m better off without him. If there’s one thing I know, there’s no way in hell I’ll risk getting close to someone again.

~CHAPTER TWO~

Colt

Dying people have a distinct smell to them. Even people who could have months to go. It’s an almost old smell that clings to their skin. Which is gross as hell, but when it’s someone you love, you don’t think about how disgusting it is, but how much it fucking sucks.

The second I walk into the apartment, the scent hits me. I’m not sure whether to breathe through my nose and risk catching another whiff or through my mouth and puke, which makes me about the biggest pussy on the planet. If she can take going through it, I should be able to visit.