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They were the only steady I knew. The only things I could count on.
I shouted into the driving wind, cast my fury at the nothingness because that was exactly what I was.
Ahead, the road curved to the left. Sharper than I thought. I took it hard, and I felt the quiver of the bike. I fought against the wobble of the handlebars, fought to conquer the shot of instability that rolled through the length of the bike. I righted it and struggled to focus on the blurring road. I blinked hard, trying to clear the fog from my mind.
An abrupt right came up fast. So fast.
“Fuck” fell silently from my mouth, maybe as a plea as I flew into the turn. I leaned and braked hard, everything shaking before I felt the back tire begin to skid. Then the front wheel caught.
And I was flying.
Weightless.
A long time ago I’d lost control. I’d lost it the moment I’d given in to carelessness, when I’d taken the most important thing in this world and set it aside while I strove for the trivial.
Darkness surrounded me, gutted me, wrapped me inside out. And it was quiet. So fucking quiet, nothing but my mother’s face filling up the bleakness that devastated my heart and mind. For a moment, I thought maybe I could feel her ru
I missed her. God, I missed her so much and it hurt and I wanted her to know it was the greatest mistake I’d ever made.
She shifted and faded, giving way to the girl. And Aly was looking at me exactly the same way, like maybe I was her light in the same way she’d unwittingly become mine.
My eyes went wide as I felt the ground rush up.
It was Aly.
Aly.
Aleena.
And for the first time since the day I turned sixteen, I didn’t want to die.
TWENTY-THREE
Aleena
Loving someone is one of the biggest chances we ever take. Maybe the most unfair part of it is that it’s rarely a conscious decision we’ve made. It’s something that blossoms slow or hits us hard, something that stirs and builds gradually, or something that shocks us with its sudden intensity. And sometimes it’s something that’s been a part of us our entire lives.
But almost always, it’s inevitable.
Even if I had been given the choice, I would always choose to love him. Even if he’d produced my greatest pain, he’d also given me my greatest joy.
I’d surrounded myself with his little notes that were spread out on my bed, the words that had come straight from his heart, words I would forever cherish. So many of them spoke of his shame, words that made it clear he would never believe himself worthy of the love that endlessly flowed from me. Some were just plain sweet. Those spoke of that boy who had once smiled so freely, one who just couldn’t recognize the joy that was hidden inside him.
In all of them was Jared. In all of them me. In all of them – us. What we’d created, the honesty of what we’d shared.
I hugged my knees to my chest as I studied his gifts. I rocked myself, searching for comfort when none could be found. I missed him. I missed him so much that some days I thought I would die, while others I forged through because I knew I had to go on.
I had to be strong because there was no other option.
But today I felt weak.
Heightened emotions grew thick in my throat, and I held myself tighter as tears slipped down my face.
Jared had changed me. Changed who I was and the direction of my life.
Almost three months had passed since he went away. Thanksgiving was just a week away. Not a single word had reached me, not a single indication of where he’d gone, not one assurance that he was okay.
Like he’d promised, he’d walked away and forgotten about me.
And it killed me because I would never forget him. Couldn’t because he’d permanently etched himself to me, left a part of himself forever within me. For so many years I’d loved him, but when he’d gone this time, he’d taken part of me captive, too, a piece that could never be retrieved because it would always belong to him.
I looked down through bleary eyes over the words he’d revealed to me.
On some level, I guessed we’d always belong to each other.
Classes had started and were passing in a blur, and I was still working at the café. Really, I was just drifting through the days.
I worried about him constantly, because I knew how deep his sorrow went, how he was consumed by grief and guilt. I didn’t want him out there suffering alone.
But it was what he’d chosen and it was the risk I’d taken, and now I was suffering alone, too.
Christopher was still the only one in my family to know about Jared and what he’d meant to me. As far as my mother knew, Jared had really just been passing through, and he’d stayed a few days and then gone on his way. When she’d asked what was wrong with me since he’d left, I’d lied to her and used Gabe’s name, said we’d broken up, the words rancid as they’d been forced from my tongue. Saying it had felt like some sort of mortal betrayal because Gabe could never come close to making me feel the way Jared did. But by the same token, admitting what had happened between Jared and me felt like it would be an even greater betrayal. I knew Jared had some sort of messed-up idea that he was protecting me by keeping us a secret. But I knew there was no hiding this forever. I just wasn’t ready to tell her yet.
Things had changed between Christopher and me as well. For the better. Of course after I’d moved in with Christopher, we’d gotten really close. But now we seemed to realize we didn’t need to hide anything from each other. He’d become my greatest supporter. I supposed it was because even after everything, Christopher truly cared about Jared, too, that he really understood.
One day I would have to find Jared… tell him… finally reveal it all. But it was really difficult to track someone down who didn’t want to be found.
I gathered up his notes and tucked them back into their keepsake box. Then I put the box next to my sketch pads because, like them, they’d become my treasure. And I finally fell into the fitful rest that I had called sleep since he left.
The next morning, I headed to the café at six for the breakfast shift. It’d been hard getting out of bed, the weakness I’d felt last night only following me into today. It was crazy because I would think it would get easier, but it only grew harder every day.
I have to be strong, I reminded myself as I wrapped my apron snuggly around my waist, tying the long straps off in the front. I set to work. It was Saturday, and the place was packed, the hours seemingly longer than my shift was supposed to last. I felt frazzled, completely frayed at the edges as I rushed around the restaurant floor, struggling to keep up with the demand while my body was bending with the strain. Flashes of blond kept infiltrating my mind, flickers of his face, my skin tingling with the vestiges of his touch.
I dropped my head as I refilled a cup of coffee in the kitchen. How could I go on like this? His absence cut me so deeply that it physically hurt. This sorrow rattled me all the way to my bones.
Clara eased up behind me, squeezing my shoulder as she contemplated me with blatant worry. “How are you doing, sweetie?”
The first time she saw me after Jared had left, she’d clued in immediately. She said there was no mistaking heartbreak like the one I wore like a visible badge. There was no hiding it. Fu