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I could so clearly feel it, the way my chest had felt so full. Like I was in control. Like nothing could touch me. Indestructible.
I’d never thought of myself as a bad kid. I mean, I was no angel, but I’d always hated when I disappointed my mom and dad.
But I’d been wrong. I’d been selfish. The worst kind of fool.
“I was in such a hurry, and she kept telling me to slow down. We were almost home. I knew I should stop… that the truck was too close… but I just gu
A tremor rolled down the length of Aly’s body, and silent tears dripped unchecked down her face. Gripping her face between my hands, I forced her to look at me.
“She was screaming, Aly, fucking screaming at me to stop and I went anyway because all I wanted to do was get home so I could go back out.” My throat felt like gravel, and beneath the girl, I shook, the horror of that moment so clear, so vivid. Just like every night, it was like I could reach out and stop it. But I could never change what I’d done.
“That truck hit us so hard,” I said, my voice low and rough. “Everything was so loud… God, Aly, it was so loud.”
I could still hear it – piercing – the sound of metal shearing as my entire world was ripped apart.
“It was like I was weightless or something, but everything was heavy at the same time. Then we were jolted into this suffocating standstill. It was so quiet… too quiet.” I sucked in a breath through my gritted teeth, reliving the pain of that moment. “I hurt everywhere, and I couldn’t even make sense of why. Then I heard her moan.” I forced the words out over the panic that bubbled up in my throat. “But it was my name, Aly… she was fucking saying my name, fucking crying for me.”
My heart thundered, and my hands constricted on Aly’s face. Her tears seeped into the webs of my fingers. She placed her hand over one of mine, holding me close. “It’s okay,” she murmured. Drawing my hand back, she kissed across my knuckles. “It’s okay.”
And I could feel it, the tears locked up inside that could never be shed, the ball of unspent sorrow that had burdened me for all of this condemned life. Agitation curled with it and sent a rush of anger surging through my veins. “When I looked at her… ” My voice shook. “She was staring at me with this shocked horror, like she didn’t know what’d happened any more than I did.” I drew in a faltered breath. “But then I saw the blood. It was ru
I could never forget it, could never outrun it, the way she’d struggled to speak, my name ragged on her lips.
“Jared… ” She shuddered as she tried to smile, her face so sad when she promised me, “It’ll be okay.”
“It’ll be okay,” Aly whispered frantically, breaking free to kiss the rose at my chest, her fingers digging into my skin, promising again, “It’ll be okay.”
I grasped her by the outside of her shoulders. “It’s not okay, Aly. Don’t you get that? It’s never go
“No, Jared – ”
Anger raged. I shook her. “Don’t.”
I knew she’d do this. I knew she’d try to convince me of things that weren’t true. “What do you want from me, Aly? I keep telling you I don’t have anything for you. I can’t be what you want me to be.”
Aly shook her head. Wetness soaked her face, pieces of her hair sticking to her cheeks, her green eyes desperate. “You are what I want, Jared. You’re everything. Don’t you understand that?”
My fingers dug into her arms. “No.”
She started crying harder, little choked sounds hiccuping from her throat. She clung to me, hot tears dripping onto my chest as she battled to get closer while I pushed her away.
“I love you, Jared.”
And there it was.
What I could never give and what I could never receive. The reason I should have fucking run that first night when I’d opened my eyes to find her green ones starting back at me. Because I’d felt it then, the shift in my wasted world.
I took my mom’s life and now I owed mine. A penance. My payment.
I don’t get to have this.
My hands clenched, fingertips burrowing into her soft flesh. “No, you don’t, Aly. You feel something that’s not real. You and I have both been hanging on to something that isn’t really there.”
I knew I’d do this. I knew I’d fucking take and ruin and destroy. I could see it clearly on her face.
“No, Jared, no… can’t you feel this?” She wrestled to free my hand and pressed it over her heart. Erratic, her heart thundered under my palm. “You feel it. I know you do.”
“Just stop, Aly.” The words raked from my throat as a plea. “Just stop.”
I did it.
I ruined the good.
“Yes… I do… I love you,” Aly choked over the words again, forcing my hand closer to her heart. “I know you can feel it.” She stared down at me, begging, “Tell me you love me, too.”
“No.” I ripped my hand away and grabbed her by both wrists, restraining her. “No, Aly. You’re wrong. I warned you. I fucking warned you.”
Aly thrashed, jerking free. Determined, she forced my arms down, her mouth back at my chest as she begged through her whisper, “You don’t understand… I love you, Jared. Oh my God, I love you so much… Please tell me you love me. Please.”
And I let her… I let her pin me down as she sobbed. The sound of it constricted every fucking cell in my body, as if each cell were compressed so tight there was nothing they could do but implode. My back arched as Aly covered me whole.
Because I wanted to. I wanted to love her. But that was impossible.
I don’t get to have this.
“Stop,” I cried, taking her back by the shoulders. I shook her hard. “Just fucking stop,” I shouted. The words fell as a vicious plea from my mouth because I couldn’t handle one more second of this torture.
The crash at Aly’s door came without warning. The entire room shook, the impact vibrating along the walls. It took little for the thin wood to begin to splinter and crack.
Aly gasped, and her eyes widened with fear.
With the second kick, it busted open, flying back where it banged against the wall.
I was still clutching her, pi
He launched across the room, his face contorted in rage.
Aly screamed, lying over me like shield. “Christopher, don’t!”
Her voice didn’t penetrate his wrath. He was screaming his insults, maligning my name – as if there’d been anything left to malign. Every word he spoke was the truth. “You really think you’d ever be good enough for her? For my little sister?” I saw it all written there, the disgust lining his face. The hatred that I’d already known he would feel.
I destroyed everything I touched.
And I welcomed it, willed his assault because I deserved whatever beating he could give.
What I wasn’t prepared for was Christopher yanking Aly off me and shoving her aside. He threw her back so fucking hard, his attack unwarranted and fierce as he directed some of the hatred I’d earned at her. Like he somehow didn’t know how perfect she was, this girl that was the only good thing I knew.
Aly flew off her bed. The crack of her skull against the bookshelf reverberated through the room. She cried out, clutching the back of her head in her hands.
“Are you fucking stupid, Aly?” He spat the words at her like she was garbage while she lay curled on her side, crying. “You’re really sleeping with this piece of shit?”