Come to Me Quietly

I kept stealing glances at my door, willing him to come.

To come to me.

To love me the way he had done last night.

Or maybe just lie with me, hold on to me while I held on to him.

Two hours passed, and still he didn’t come.

I wanted to go to him. Comfort him. Finally, when I could take it no longer, I did. I rose from my bed and padded across my floor. As quietly as I could, I pulled open my door. I looked out into the empty hall. Blackness seeped from under the crack in the bathroom door. I stepped out. To my right, Christopher’s door was closed. Silence hovered thick in the apartment, and I tiptoed out into the main room. The couch was empty, without evidence of blankets or pillows. My pulse raced in fear, before I noticed Jared’s keys left in a pile on the coffee table. I shuffled around the couch and pressed my face to the sliding glass door.

The night sky was turbulent. Sheets of lightning sliced through the heavens, igniting the world in bright bursts of light before it fizzled out. Furies of harsh wind pummeled the thin branches of paloverde trees, slanting them askew. Frantic, I searched the darkened balcony for evidence of the one who’d always set me off-kilter, the one who’d set the standard of my beliefs because he’d been the one who’d managed to touch me so deeply. The sky flashed. It cast the balcony in transient light.

Jared wasn’t there.

I took two steps back. I fisted my hands in frustration, my attention darting all over the empty room. For a second, I studied the front door, before I swallowed down the lump in my throat and found the courage to cross the room. Quietly I opened it.

Relief washed over me when I found him sitting by himself on the floor with his back propped up against the wall beside the door. That relief clashed with the pain, this overwhelming surge of feeling that crested and rose.

Like a partner to the storm, Jared rocked in agitation as he brought a nearly spent cigarette to his mouth. His bare chest expanded as he filled his lungs. Smoke swirled above his head. Thick chunks of his blond hair lashed with the wind, beaten and stirred. Aggressively he stamped out the butt. A twisted snarl bled from his lips, and he curled his lacerated knuckles and mashed them against his temples, as if he’d do anything to silence the demons whispering in his ear.

Just for tonight, I wanted to make it go away.

I felt the moment he registered my presence, the way his hands pressed harder to his head, his movements harsh as he severely shook it. His voice was hoarse, barely audible above the howling wind. “Just… go back inside.”

He knew me better than that. He knew there was no chance I’d turn away, just like I knew him well enough to know he would try to shut me out.

Thunder crashed, and I delved deep to find the same courage I’d uncovered in myself last night. Creeping forward, I kneeled in front of him, my knees scraping on the coarse concrete floor. Slowly I crawled between his legs, my hands resting on his knees.

Jared rocked his head back on the pitted stucco wall. He kept his eyes closed tight, shielding me from the hurt I knew he harbored there. “You shouldn’t be out here,” he forced through gritted teeth.

“Why not, Jared?” I demanded. “Why do you think you have to go through everything alone?”

Tortured blue eyes opened to me. They skimmed my face, like this painful embrace. “Don’t you see it, Aly? This is exactly what I warned you about. I’m a fucking disaster.” Reaching out, he touched my face, his head tilting to the side as he dragged his fingertips down my cheek, searching for understanding.

Flames burned beneath his touch, stoked the devotion I’d eternally hold for him.

Did he think he was somehow pushing me away, warning me, when all I wanted was more?

“I never wanted you to see me like I was tonight,” he said, “but it was inevitable… all of this is… inevitable. And still I stay because I don’t fucking know how to walk away from you. Last night… ” He wrenched a trembling hand through his hair. “Fuck, Aly… last night was the closest I’ve come to feeling something real in so long.”

With his admission, warmth flooded and pooled, filled me whole. My hands clamped down on his knees, my fingers burrowing in his skin.

Stay.

A fierce squall of wind pushed into the space, rippled with energy, stirring my blood, stirring my heart.

Stay.

Leaning in close to his face, I captured his gaze, spoke above the churning storm. “None of that matters to me, Jared. And it was just a fight. You were sticking up for Christopher. Sticking up for me. What is wrong with that?”

My hair thrashed around my face, and Jared twisted his finger in a wayward lock as if he were anchoring himself to me.

Lightning flashed. Thunder rolled.

I sucked in a breath, losing myself in his simple touch.

“You know it wasn’t just a fight.” Jared shook his head, his eyes narrowing severely as he opened his mouth in confession. “Christopher was right when he said I lost it. I lost it the second that asshole even looked your way. I wanted to… ” Hesitating, Jared dropped his gaze to the side, wet his lips, before pi

I grasped his face between urgent hands. “Then don’t.”

His mouth collided with mine, his hands frenzied as he possessively sank them into my hair. He kissed and sucked, mumbled, “Aly… ” as he gasped for air. He pulled back, my hair threaded in his fingers as he splayed them wide. His eyes grew earnest as he held my head in his hands. “Baby, I don’t want to… God, I don’t want to.” He drew me back, his mouth forceful as it overtook mine.

I pressed my chest to his, felt his heart pound. I struggled to meet his kiss, to bear part of this anguish eating him alive. My fingers curled around his jaw before I wrapped my arms around his head. “Jared,” I begged.

Pricks of pain bit at my knees as I rose, battling to get closer, desperate as my body sought his.

I just needed to feel. To know his heart in his touch. For him to know mine.

Jared hoisted me up in one swift movement. My back was suddenly nailed to the door, his body covering mine. All the breath left my lungs. I moaned, making a frantic play to bring him closer as I clung to his wide shoulders.

Jared took my face in his hands, pulled back to search my eyes. He wet his lips, the frenzy that had blazed between us abating to a slow smolder. He hesitated, wavering, before he returned to me with a gentle, closemouthed kiss. He rested his forehead on mine. “Aly, can we… will you just lie with me? I just want to feel you.”

My exhale was shaky, and I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, nodding against him.

Carefully he lowered me to my feet, fumbled with the knob, and let us into the silence of the darkened apartment. He led me to my room, quietly snapped the door shut, and turned the lock. In front of my bed, he pulled his shirt over his head, before he slowly removed mine.

“Aleena, you’re so beautiful,” he said as his eyes swept the length of my body.

Aleena.

Last night when he’d spoken my name like that, it had stolen my breath as he’d murmured it again and again. It made me feel beautiful. Made me feel loved, even when he couldn’t admit loving me was exactly what he was doing.

Lightning struck the same instant thunder crashed. A sudden torrent of violent rain pelted the window. I shivered, a rush of chills blanketing my skin. Jared reached out to caress them, fingertips light as they tickled along my collarbone.