Rule

I was getting ready to say goodbye when footsteps crunching on the thin layer of snow still covering the ground made me lift my head up.  I felt my eyes narrow involuntarily and the corners of my mouth pull down when I recognized the figure making her way towards me.  Every instinct I had was to get out there before she could ruin my day but I stayed put because she was looking right at me and for once there wasn’t contempt or hatred shining out of her eyes.

“Mom.”

“Happy birthday Rule.”

I cleared my throat because I had no clue what to say to her.  I knocked my knuckles on the hard headstone and gave my brother a silent goodbye.  “I’ll take off so you can have some time with him.  I’m sure today is hard for you.”

I nearly fell over when she reached out a hand and put it on my forearm.  My mom hadn’t touched me voluntarily in years and it was enough to stun me into silence.

“It’s hard for all of us but that’s not why I’m here.  I actually called your work to see if I could maybe take you to lunch for your birthday.  I figured you wouldn’t answer if I called your cell so I asked your roommate where I might find you and he pointed me here.  I guess if I hadn’t been so busy trying to shut you out all these years I might have figured that out on my own.”

I took a step away from her because I was pretty sure aliens had abducted my mom and that this creature before me wasn’t real.  The things coming out of her mouth were almost too much for me to take in.  “Where’s dad?”

“Home.  He’s working on getting through to your brother and after all that’s happened I needed to be the one to come to you.  Can I take you to lunch or maybe for coffee?”

I didn’t want to go.  I didn’t trust her or her motivations but it was my birthday and we were standing at my dead brother’s grave so turning her down just didn’t seem like a viable option or one I could live with later on.

“Coffee would be alright.”  She gave me a smile that was sad, I mean really, truly sad and I realized for the first time that my mom had a dark tu

“I’ve been talking to a specialist.  Your dad found someone here in town that deals with grief and family issues.  I think it’s been really helpful.”

I blinked.  “That’s a change.”

She smiled ruefully and I caught a glimpse of the woman who had raised me before our relationship had been tainted with tragedy.

“After the way things went at di

I could only stare at her in shock.  I didn’t know what to say or do so I just kept sipping on my coffee and watching her.

“You asked me how I could love Remy knowing how different he was while I always had such a hard time with you and I want to try and explain things.  It’s not an excuse, our relationship has never been easy, we’ve never been as close as I was with your brother and it started when you were both born.  You guys were early which is pretty common with twins, only you came out strong and healthy bellowing your little head off, Remy wasn’t so lucky.  He had the cord around his neck and was breech, it took a lot of work and effort to get him here alive and well so from the start I think I focused more on him than on you which makes me a terrible mother but didn’t mean I didn’t love you both.  Remy breast fed, you wanted formula and when you were old enough to walk Remy held onto my fingers and tottered all over the house, you pulled yourself up using Rome as a lever and then just took off on your own.  Your brother always needed me, always wanted me and you, well you were like you are now; independent, fierce and determined to blaze your own way in the world and I just let you go.  Your dad and I both just let you slip away.”

I was having a hard time breathing but I was so focused on what she was saying that it didn’t seem to matter.  “When Remy brought Shaw home I was so excited.  He hadn’t ever shown any interest in any other girl meanwhile your dad caught at least a girl a week sneaking out of your window and we were starting to put the pieces together about him.  I was convinced he was just waiting for the right girl and Shaw had it all, she’s lovely, well educated, comes from money it never occurred to me that she was too delicate, too broken down by her own family to be with someone as gentle and sweet as Remy.  She needed someone strong, someone not afraid of all things that tormented her day in and day out so of course she picked you, she’s loved you forever.  I saw it, your dad saw it and even with that we let Remy use her and snow everyone into thinking they were an item because it was just easier than dealing with the truth.”

She stopped fidgeting with her cup and met my stu

“The night of Remy’s accident he called me.  I knew he was on his way to pick you up and I told him not to go, that you were a grown man that could find his own way home.  He got really mad at me, told me I needed to get over whatever it was that kept me from embracing you, from loving you as openly and fully as I loved him.  I got angry back and told him he had no place to lecture me on how I interacted with you if he was going to keep living a lie.  We had a huge fight, it was ugly and I threatened him.  I told him I was going to let you and Rome know exactly who their brother was and he freaked out.  He hung up and left to get you and those were the last words I said to my baby.”

She was crying openly now and all I could do was sit there and let everything she said flow over me.  “I said it should have been you; put all my grief and responsibility on your shoulders because I was too weak to be accountable for my part in what happened to Remy.  Out of all of us you’re the strongest, you’re the one that handled it the best and it was easier to blame you than look at you and realize what I had done.  You never loved me the way Remy did and the farther away I pushed you the easier it was to feel less guilt.  I’m sorry I did it, you never deserved it.  I felt like you were already lost to me so the idea of losing you wasn’t as crippling as it was with Rome, but I realize now you were never lost I had just shoved you as far and as hard away as I could because of what may or may not happen and that’s not healthy or acceptable.”

We sat in silence while I tried to work through all of it.  I couldn’t just accept her apology, too much time and too many hurtful words and actions had been exchanged for that, but I could recognize that we were all human and prone to making careless mistakes with people that we cared about and try and work towards a resolution from there.

“That’s a lot to take in mom and I’m not sure what you expect from me after telling me all that.”

She swiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand and gave me a rueful grin.  “I don’t expect anything but I do want you to know that your dad and I are committed to putting this family back together, including Shaw.  I know you’re mad she didn’t tell you about Remy but I also saw the way you two were looking at each other.  I saw the way you were with her Rule and I know you have never been like that with anyone else.  She has always thought that you were worthy and in need of love even when you did your absolute best to convince the rest of the world that you weren’t interested in being loved.  I just think you should consider that before deciding to walk away from her for good.”