Rule

I growled.  “He would have told me.”  I smacked the flat of my hand on the table and my dad glared at me.

“No son, he wouldn’t have.  Remy struggled with it, he struggled with who he was supposed to be verses who everyone else thought he was and that’s not something you’ve ever done.  You’ve always owned you, and screw anyone that didn’t like it.”

I looked at Shaw and then at the table.  I had tried to change for her and it had been an epic failure.  I climbed to my feet again and let my gaze fall on my mom.

“I don’t understand why you’ve never been able to love me the way I am when you obviously had the capacity to love him regardless of his choices.  It just doesn’t make sense.  I need to get out of here.”

“I’m with you.”  Rome looked as wild I was feeling on the inside.  I looked down when soft hand clasped around my forearm.  I flinched involuntarily and I think I actually saw her heart break in her eyes.

“Rule,” her voice was a broken whisper.  “I’m sorry.”  She let me go and I almost couldn’t talk over the lump in my throat.

“I understand what you meant about those closest to you hurting you the most now.  I’ll be in touch.”  But as Rome and I hurried out of the restaurant I wasn’t sure I was telling her the truth and I refused to think about how much walking away from her like this hurt.

Chapter 16

Shaw

It had been three weeks give or take a day with no contact from Rule.  No text messages, no phone calls, no e-mails, no carrier pigeons, just a whole lot of silence and heartbreak on my end.  Rome hadn’t even returned my calls or texts telling him goodbye and that I would miss him while he was gone.  He had left for the desert mad at me and as upsetting as that was the daily battle I had with myself to call Rule and beg him to forgive me, to plead with him to understand that it was never my secret to tell regardless of our relationship was soul crushing.  Ayden kept saying he would cool off and come around while Margot and Dale firmly believed he wasn’t going to speak to any of us ever again.  They were in the same boat as me, neither of the boys was speaking to them and Margot had nearly had a nervous breakdown when Rome had refused to allow them to drive him down to Fort Carson for his send off, instead the brothers went together leaving the rest of us out in the cold.

I was hurting but I was also sick and tired of my love and affection not being enough for anybody.  I had loved Rule longer and harder than anyone else in my life and that still wasn’t enough for him to look beyond his own hurt feelings and sense of betrayal to work things out with me.  I was still pissed that he had spent the week prior to the bomb being dropped trying to act and behave in a way I had never asked for or wanted, but when I was alone at night and crying in bed I had to admit that while it was misguided it was still a really sweet gesture and if things hadn’t gone so south we could have totally gone somewhere great with everything.  I remembered telling him to beware of how bad things could be if we tried to do this and somehow even finding him in bed time and time again with every skanky girl this side of the Platte River couldn’t hold a candle to this complete freeze out.

I tried really hard not to worry about what he was doing or who he was doing it with, but every day that passed it seemed more and more fatalistic.  Whatever he had felt for me wasn’t enough to get him past the hurt he was feeling and it came nowhere near the heart wrenching emotion I had for him so as much as it nearly killed me, as much as it pained me to let it go after so much time I had to get over him, had to work at moving on because even if he did get back in touch with me there was just too great a chance he had relapsed into his old ways and there was just simply no way I was going to survive that kind of betrayal from someone I cared so deeply about.  So instead of languishing about it I forced a smile every day, picked back up the shifts I had dropped at work, threw myself into my school work and spent as much time as I could with Ayden and Cora.  I was carful every time I was around Cora to give nothing away and she was just as carful to never, ever mention Rule or anything having to do with him.

To say my parents were excited that Rule was no longer in the picture was an understatement.  My dad was so happy he took my newly repainted BMW and traded it in for a Porsche Caye

The fu

“Thanks Lou.”  I gave him one of the strained smiles that I was becoming a pro at and let him scoop me up in a bear hug as he walked me to my car after my shift.  I hadn’t heard a word from Gabe in as many weeks as I hadn’t spoken to Rule, but it made me feel better to know someone still cared enough to make sure I was safe so I never turned Lou down when he offered to see me to my car, plus this was an odd night on for me meaning I had just picked up a shift because one of the girls was sick so Ayden wasn’t working and I was alone.  In fact my roommate seemed to have shaken out of her funk and was on a date with a very cute physics major that just happened to be as opposite from a rock and roller as one could get.  She had gone out with him twice this week and seemed a little more like her old self so I was happy for her even if it meant it was one more night I spent wallowing in misery by myself.  No one said the road to recovery was pretty after all.

Lou set me back on me feet and gave me a peck on the forehead.  “I miss that young man of yours, Shaw.  He was a smartass but a good kid.”

I sighed because at least once a week I had this conversation with Lou.  “I know.  I miss him too.”

“Take care girly.”

“I always try.”

My new car was awesome; I’m not going to lie.  It purred like all good sports cars should but had no trouble navigating the snowy and icy downtown streets as I made my way all the way across town to my apartment letting The Avett Brothers sing me really sad songs about broken hearts all the way.  It was late, well after midnight so there wasn’t really anybody out and about considering it wasn’t a weekend.  A dog was barking from somewhere and I shivered involuntarily as I climbed out of the SUV because it was cold and dark so I automatically hated this part of my trip home and it just drove home the point that I was really and truly on my own now and that just burned deep in my gut.  I was lucky to get a spot right in front of the building and scurried to the security door because my uniform wasn’t meant to be worn outside even at the tail end of a Denver winter and punched in the code.