Left Drowning

As naturally as breathing, Chris puts his arm over my shoulders. I slump into him and rest my hand in his lap. He folds our hands together and kisses the top of my head. I close my eyes. The alcohol is probably making this reunion seem falsely normal. Maybe I am too foggy to realize how weird this is. I recognize that we have careened into very new territory, obviously, yet being with him is what I have wanted more than anything, so it feels somehow right. At the moment, I don’t care what this is or what it might become. Above everything else, I have my friends back.

Sabin still has possession of my thermos, and I hear him rattling through my bag of little bottles. “Where are we going, by the way? I don’t even know where this house of yours is.”

James changes the radio station. “Bar Harbor. It’s about five hours from here.”

I feel Chris tense. “We’re going to Maine?”

“It’s okay, Chris.” Sabin’s voice is reassuring. “We’re going to be far north. Don’t stress.”

I rub my face against Chris’s chest. “Why?”

He rubs his thumb over the top of my hand. After Sabin turns up the radio, and he and James are engaged in conversation, Chris tips his head down to mine. “We lived in Maine for a while. I wasn’t pla

Hearing this makes me realize how many details of our lives Chris and I have never shared with each other. There are huge gaps in the basic information I know about him. In retrospect, there are reasons for these gaps. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“The fire was in Maine?” he confirms.

“Yes.”

“For some reason, I always assumed you’d been vacationing with your parents in Massachusetts. The Cape, I imagined. This is the first time that you’ll be there since? And you can deal with it?”

“Yes. I can do this. It’s going to be easier now.” I hold his hand tighter. “How could I not know you’re from Maine?”

“We did live all over, and we were only there for about four years. Nowhere near Bar Harbor, though.” He reaches the hand from my shoulder to scratch Jonah’s ears. “Good dog, huh?”

“He is.”

“A sweet boy for my sweet girl.”

I close my eyes again and rest against Chris. I absolutely adore him. “I’m kinda drunk, and I have to go to sleep, but first I have to tell you a secret.”

I feel him laugh lightly. “Okay, go.”

“You can’t tell anybody.”

“I promise.”

“I tried to run a marathon this year. Actually two.”

“Yeah? That’s amazing.”

“I said tried. I can’t do it. I can do a half marathon, but not a whole fucking one. I tried one outside of Boston last October and one in Virginia in March. I wanted to qualify for the Boston Marathon. That’s the one I want, and I can’t get it. I suck.”

“You don’t suck. I think you’re amazing for even trying.”

“I can’t do the speed, I can’t do the distance. I’m not cut out to be a ru

Chris smoothes back my hair. “You’re more than good.”

“Don’t tell anyone. It’s embarrassing.”

“I won’t tell.”

“And another thing. I’m glad you didn’t get married. Even though part of me understood, I am mad at you, and I think you’re a dick, but I’m still glad that there was no wedding. But I’m sorry if you’re upset and if today was supposed to be a good thing for you.”

“I’m relieved.”

“If I weren’t so boozed to the nines, I’d think of something smarter to say.” I inhale deeply. “I missed you. I should be embarrassed to tell you that, but I don’t care. I missed you so much, Chris.”

“I missed you, too, Blythe. Get some sleep.”

I touch my fingers to the necklace of silver letters that rests against the top of my chest. “This is all sorts of fucked up.”

“I know, baby. I know. But the best kind of fucked up.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN From Any Distance

“What do you mean there isn’t a Starbucks in Ellsworth?” I feel like I might cry. I have a headache, and I am completely weirded out that we’re arriving by caravan into Bar Harbor. I rub my eyes and yawn.

Ellsworth is the last substantial town before Mt. Desert Island, where Bar Harbor reigns as one of Maine’s most coveted vacation spots. The town has plenty of shops with everything we might need, but the prices are outrageous. That’s why we stop and load up on groceries and general house supplies in Ellsworth. I’m sure we look like a weird motley crew with everyone except James and I in formal wear.

As we drive out of Ellsworth with the shopping done, I realize that I’m a little nervous about what state the house is going to be in. Last week, I’d ordered sheets, towels, pots and pans, general kitchen supplies, and all that boring but essential stuff, and had them shipped to the house. The caretaker was kind enough to make sure everything arrived. As for actual furnishings, they came with the house, and I just hope that nothing is moth-infested and gross.

“If I don’t get a coffee soon, there is a good chance that I’ll die.”

“They had coffee brewed at the market,” James points out.

“Not that shit! Real coffee.” I am battling a hangover. Or I may still be tipsy.

Sabin reaches back and pats my knee. “A coffee you will have.”

“A strong one, right?”

“The strongest. I got you a bag of Colombian roast at the store, and Chris found a French press at the other place. According to the map, we’ll be at the house in twenty-five minutes. Chris? You’re in charge of coffee distribution when we get there.”

“Absolutely.”

“I think we’re going to have to make a second trip back to Ellsworth later today or tomorrow,” I say, feeling my nerves go on even higher alert. There is so much to do. “The house is probably a dump after all this time.”

“Hey, B., relax. We’re here to help.” I have missed how Sabin takes care of me. “You have nothing to worry about. It’s a big deal to go to this house. We get that. For real. And we’re honored that you let us crash the party. We’ll make as many car trips back and forth as you want until you have everything that you need for the house.”

“Of course we will,” Chris adds. “Anything you guys need.”

I feel better. It is a big deal to see the house again. “James? You all right?”

“I am. I want to be here. And we’ve got backup now.” He high-fives Sabin. I like how these two have buddied up.

I agree. We have the best backup possible.

I bounce my foot nonstop as we get closer, and Jonah pants out the window while I stroke his fur obsessively. Ellsworth’s chain stores have disappeared, and greenery takes over as we climb a hill. As Sabin relays directions to James, I am surprised to feel a smile overtake me. From the road that leads to the house—our house—I catch glimpses of the dark blue ocean through the trees. We are close. I don’t know if I’m remembering or if I just feel it. James takes us down a hill, closer to the water, then takes a sharp right, and we go down a long driveway that lands us by a substantial lawn. I look to the right at our house.

It’s beat up. It needs a serious paint job. White chips are practically flaking off in the wind. The lawn has been mowed, but the overgrowth around the back of the house is going to be a big project. The deck off the front needs major work.

To me, however, the house is spectacularly beautiful.

I let Jonah out and follow as he leads the way. I am in a daze, and it’s not from the leftover alcohol that is surely still ru

I remember. I run ahead a bit. Leafy tree branches hang over the land in front of the house, but I know that to the left is a wooden staircase that leads to another grassy area, and past that is the rocky bit of shore that is ours. Chris catches up to me.

“You okay?”

I nod. The concern in his voice is u