Left Drowning

Fuck him.

I’m about out of stamina. It’d be impossible for me to finish at this pace.

“No way, Blythe!” Sabin looks pissed. He can see I’m weakening. “You are not stopping now.”

I just can’t. I can feel my legs slowing despite my efforts. I’m burned out.

“I thought you were a fighter, B.!” Sabin yells. “You’re not go

Sabin’s being a goddamn asshole. I hope he falls over while standing up on the moving truck. I hold up my middle finger.

“Oh yeah? A fuck-you? Good to see there’s a little fight there after all. You better go after what you want. What’s yours. He’s right there, Blythe. He’s right fucking there! Go get him.”

I hold up both middle fingers.

“Oooooh, my feisty girl is back! Maybe you’ll run a little faster now.” Even with the music at high volume, and Estelle and Eric singing and slamming their hands on the car to the beat, I can hear Sabin clear as a bell. So I know that Chris can hear him, too. “So what’s it go

I hate Sabin right now, but I am ru

And I hold up two middle fingers. Of course I love Chris enough.

Sabin grins and winks.

My emotions are raw now, and against my will I look in the driver’s mirror. Chris is watching, mouthing, Come on, come on … His face is serious, nervous almost, and his piercing eyes are glued to me. Soon I don’t hear the music, I don’t hear Sabin screaming at me, or my feet slamming into the concrete. I hear nothing but air and see nothing but Christopher. He wants this for me. It’s because of him that I have any capacity to power ahead in this run. I do want him, and I do love him. I would lay down my life for his, and what enrages me is that I fucking know he would do the same for me. If I can run fast enough, far enough … If I can run through the heartbreak …

Eric starts clapping, and I know that I’ve hit the distance. I slow to a walk, pulling my eyes from Chris’s. I have to stop and put my hands on my knees. I can barely catch my breath. The truck stops, and Sabin hops over the back. The music turns off, and all I hear is my struggle for air. “You did it, kiddo! That was awesome. Get in and we’ll drive you back.”

My breathing slows enough that I can talk, but not enough to completely stifle the choke in my voice. I stand up and put my hands on my waist. It’s a battle to get my words out. “You’re a son of a bitch, Sabin. I love you, and I will always love you, but don’t ever fucking do that to me again.”

“Blythe …”

“I’m not kidding. I know what you were trying to do, but it’s over for him. It will never be over for me, but it’s over for him. I don’t need the extra humiliation, I don’t need him hearing all of that, and I don’t need to fall apart again. So fuck you for pulling that shit.” I drop my hands to my knees again. I feel like I’m going to throw up. “Fuck you.”

Sabe steps in closer and puts his hand on my back. “I’m sorry.”

I nod. “I know.”

“It can’t be over.” He sounds as sad as I am.

“But it is.”

Now Sabin’s voice cracks. “Why … why didn’t he choose you?”

I hear Zach’s words in my head. I tell Sabin, “He wants to hide, and I can’t take that from him.”

I look up at Chris in the driver-side mirror for a minute. For a moment I think he’s going to get out of the car, but he doesn’t. I turn around and walk away.

I am miles from the dorm, but I’ll walk it alone.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE The Most Hollow Victory

Sitting in an upscale Madison restaurant with A

Sabin has, of course, charmed the absolute shit out of her. While the biker jacket is still on, he is surprisingly wearing a button-down shirt and dress pants. It’s an odd combination, but Sabin is a bit of an odd combination so this suits him.

A

I shake my head. “No, I want to be clearheaded for graduation tomorrow.”

“Then I’ll toast to your magazine internship on my own. I’m so proud! It’s much more exciting than my boring lawyer work, although at least I’m happier telecommuting. What will you be doing for the summer, Sabin?” A

“I’m going to stay here in Madison and do some performances with a community theater. They’ve got a great summer lineup, and I’m preparing to dazzle the city’s entire female population. So sorry you won’t be here for that, Ms. A

“I’m sorry, too.” There goes the eyebrow. “And your brothers and sister? What are they doing?”

“Eric is staying in town, too, and working at a bank. Sounds noxiously boring to me, but he likes that sort of stuff. And he’s going to blog for the theater company I’m with, so that’ll be cool. Estelle will be smelling feet all summer at some super fancy shoe store and still working at the restaurant where she waitresses near campus.”

“Hey, Sabe.” I want to cut him off before he mentions Chris. “I’ve always wondered why she worked there. I mean, not to be weird, but it doesn’t seem like she needs the money.”

He smiles. “No, it’s not for the money. It’s because of Anya.”

“The older lady who owns the place? With the bun?”

“Yeah.” He smiles lightly. “Estelle’s not much for seeking out an obvious mother substitute, but I think Anya’s got that grandmother feel. It’s something. We don’t …” He waves his hand around. “We don’t have grandparents. We don’t have uncles and aunts and cousins. It’s just us.” He looks at A

A

“Beyond good,” I assure her.

“I think we’ve got our summer plans down, and I believe they involve kicking things off with a Cape Cod trip.”

“I think that sounds perfect. What do you think?” I turn to my brother.

Having James here is amazing, and we feel more like we used to than I could have hoped. I’ve learned that if I use time intelligently, it can actually do a lot to fix wounds. When I finally asked him to come to graduation, I wasn’t sure what he would say. I hadn’t exactly been overly warm toward him since Christmas, but he’d handled it well because he knew that I deserved his patience. As much as I can be, I am over his lying about his injury. There wasn’t really anything specific we had to talk about. It just took time for me to let what came out of Christmas break settle. We can’t change the past and the choices that we’ve made. Besides, I have an opportunity to have a real relationship with him, and I’ve decided that I don’t want to miss it. What I do miss is the fun that we used to have together, so we’re getting that back no matter what.