Left Drowning

I scan the room, excited to see all the Shepherds, and Zach, too, whose company I’ve really been enjoying lately. He’s genuine, and fun, and passionate, especially about Eric. He’s also …well, Zach is normal. He’s got nice parents who live in the suburbs of Mi

Chris yanks off my hat and shakes it at me, throwing snow in my face. I laugh and chase him over to the table where Eric, Zach, Estelle, and Sabin are sitting. Chris flops into a chair, and I clap my snowy mittens over him to repay the favor, but I jump into Sabin’s lap before he can retaliate again.

“Sabin! Help!” I squeal.

“You’re freezing and wet!” Sabin complains, but he lets me stay where I am anyway, even helping me take off my coat. I love the lap spot that he always provides. Sabe is like an inappropriate Santa Claus. “Look at your cheeks! You’ve probably got frostbite.” He puts his warm hands on my face and tries to warm me up. But then he’s rubbing crazily and smooshing my face while I try to get away.

“Boys are impossible.” Estelle stares into a compact as she reapplies lipstick. “Leave her alone, you two, because payback is a bitch. Blythe and I will get you when you least expect it.”

Sabin takes his hands from my face. “Okay, okay, I know better than to mess with that tag team.”

He is super scruffy today, even for Sabin, and while I am finding his squishy lap very comfortable to sit on, he has definitely been gaining weight. I can’t resist, so I poke him in the belly. “Might want to come to the gym with me or your brother once in a while.”

The table lets out a collective, “Ohhhhhh!” and I get another face squish.

“Sabe, seriously,” Eric says. “The belly is really getting out of hand.”

“Yeah, come lift with me at least,” Chris offers. “Or go run around the track a few times.”

Sabin rolls me into him, stands with me holding him like a koala baby, and shakes my backside to the table, making me laugh again. “Why? So I can have an ass like Blythe’s?”

“In your dreams you’d have an ass like Blythe’s.” Chris winks at me.

Another group “Ohhhhhh!”

Sabin sets me down on the ground. “Okay, okay. I hear you. You think I’m fat and disgusting.” He fakes a sob. “That calls for hot chocolate. Blythe, come with me. I’m so out of shape that I may need assistance walking the distance from here to the counter.”

“Consider me a human cane,” I say.

As I walk by Chris, I mess up his hair, and he smacks me on the ass.

“See, Sabe? HARD AS A ROCK!” he yells as we walk away.

I just shake my head and keep walking.

“You two aren’t … you know … again, are you?” Sabe nudges me with his elbow. “I kinda thought that Chris …”

“What?”

“Nothin’,” he says and looks ahead.

“No, we’re just friends. It’s good, really,” I promise him.

The line at the café takes forever. It seems half the campus is holed up here during the storm. We’re just collecting the drinks we’ve ordered for the table when Zach catches up with us at the counter.

“Hey!” Zach leans a hand against the wall. “I’m really hungry. Do you guys want something? I was thinking we could take a couple pizzas back to my room?”

“My fat belly and I always want pizza. Totally good idea,” Sabin says.

“Sure, let me just warm up before I go out again.” I am still shivering when I take two steaming cups from the counter.

“Aw, let’s just get them now and head over. I’m, like, really, really hungry.” Zach bounces in front of us while we start back to the tables.

“Dude, what the hell? We’ll eat pizza in a little bit. The lady is still currently an iceberg. Calm down.” Sabin frowns at him.

Then Zach stops walking. He’s less bouncy now. “Sabe …” He tips his head back just the slightest bit. “It’s just that …” Zach looks at me.

“Oh fuck,” Sabin says under his breath.

I follow Sabin’s gaze. Immediately, I know that this is the moment I will remember as the first time I felt very real and very painful heartbreak.

Everyone is still sitting in their seats at the table, but there is now someone else there, too. She is standing behind Chris, her hands rubbing his shoulders. For a second, I try to tell myself that I’m seeing something other than what I am. But when she tilts his head back and kisses him on the mouth briefly, there is no point. He does do a quick scan for me, but he doesn’t spot me through the crowd. I can tell he’s uncomfortable, but I don’t give a shit.

“Blythe.” Zach touches my arm.

“Who is she?” I ask softly.

Neither of them says anything. I turn my back on the view. I ca

Sabin turns and throws the cups from his hands into the trash can. He takes the two I am holding and does the same. “Zach, get her coat. Let’s go.”

I look at Sabin. “Who is she, Sabin? Who is she?”

“Don’t cry,” he says. “Please don’t cry.”

“I’m not going to cry, I just want to know who the fuck she is.”

Sabin starts walking me to the door, and his hand on my back is the only reason I am able to find the exit. “Just hold on, baby girl.”

He tries to get me to wait in the entryway, under the blasting heaters, but I push into the snowstorm. Better to freeze out here than share the air in there with her. “Jesus, Blythe! Stop!”

I am ru

It takes a minute, but I do. They follow me silently to my room, and I can practically hear them flinch when I hurl the keys across the room and they hit the wall. I sit on the bed and take off my sopping wet shoes. Then I throw them one at a time at the same wall.

“You could have at least aimed for Neon Jesus,” Sabin whispers.

“Shut up. You’re lucky my hands are empty now.” I take a deep breath. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Throw whatever you want,” he says.

Zach sits down next to me, and Sabin squats in front of me. I can’t look at either of them.

“Will you two just go, please?”

“No,” Zach says. “We’re not leaving.”

“Please go. I’m embarrassed enough.” I look at Sabin. “Please, Sabin.” The more I talk, the more difficult it is to control my voice. I do not want to fall apart.

Neither of them say anything for a minute, and I’m hoping they’ll give up.

“Blythe, I’m so sorry.” Sabin takes my hand.

I look up at him and feel my eyes sting. Fuck. “How long?”

The pause before he answers me is excruciating. “Since a few weeks … after.”

“A few weeks after we got back to school?” I wipe my face with my sweatshirt. “Have you known the whole time?”

“B., we didn’t know how to tell you …”

“No, no, it’s okay.” I shake my head. “And it’s fine. I’m fine. Really.” I stand up and step around Sabin. I locate my sneakers and calmly go and set them on the heater, keeping my back to the boys as I look out the window and start babbling. “These are going to take forever to dry out. I might have to use my backup pair if I want to run tomorrow morning. I’ll have to get up early because I still don’t have that statistics stuff down, and I also have about a million chapters left to read for lit class. Actually, I should get to sleep if I’m going to get up early.”