Left Drowning

I can hardly believe how good last night was. I knew Chris and I had a certain energy together, or whatever, but I could never have imagined it would be the way it was. He is thorough and disciplined, but apparently also capable of losing control in a way that drives me insane. And the way he balances complete tenderness and care with that rough, dirty edge … It’s just damn hot. I’m aware that I was more than ready to have sex, but Chris seems to elicit a side of me that I didn’t know I had.

I guess when I imagined losing my virginity, I thought it would have a specific begi

Best of all, I don’t feel uncomfortable about what we’ve done. I’m not a gooey, lovesick mess. I feel something for Chris that I can’t even define. Having sex for the first time hasn’t changed what I feel and hasn’t created something that didn’t already exist. What we did last night, what we’re going to do tonight, is just another part of us being together. The idea of Chris as my “boyfriend” still sounds totally ludicrous. Boyfriends are about dates, and silly a

And for now, he is giving me exactly what I want, and I hope that I’m giving him at least a fraction of the physical fulfillment that I’ve had. I am saturated with the need to bring him to the edge of insanity the way he did for me. It amazes me that with Chris, I have such a sense of confidence and security despite my inexperience. I would do anything with him.

I make a stop at the drugstore across the street and load up on condoms before I head back to my room. God, yesterday I thought I knew what “feeling edgy” meant, but today is the real deal. All I want to hear is the sound of Chris knocking on my door so I can get my hands on him before di

I get a text from Chris at four thirty telling me that things with Sabin are not too bad, and he’ll fill me in later. He hasn’t told the others that I’m in town yet, so we’ll surprise them. Oh, and we’re all going somewhere nice for di

Well, shit! I fly over to the closet and pull open the doors, stripping down to my underwear as I scan my closet. I need Estelle. It takes me twenty minutes to decide on a sleeveless black sheath dress that falls mid-thigh and tall black boots, both of which Estelle made me order from one of her favorite online stores. As I lay it out on the bed, it occurs to me that I really miss Estelle, and not just for her fashion sense. The truth is that we’re not exactly close in the sense of trading intimate secrets or engaging in stereotypical girl talk. I doubt she’ll ever talk to me about banging her professor, and I won’t talk to her about sleeping with her brother. Obviously. Yet despite the general lack of emotional sharing between us, I know undoubtedly that our friendship means the world to both of us. I scrounge through my drawstring bag of jewelry and pick out the silver cuff bracelet that Sabin gave me and a silver beaded choker that I’m hoping matches.

I look the outfit over and decide it seems like a safe bet. The fact that it’s a sleeveless dress and I’m not bothered makes me happy. Chris has had his hands and eyes on every inch of me, including my scar, and nothing freaks him out. We’re both beat up in different ways, and it doesn’t change anything.

The knock on the door electrifies me. I open the door wearing a black bra and underwear and silently thank Estelle for her insistence that I quit wearing ugly cotton crap sold in three-pack boxes.

“Holy hell,” Chris says slowly.

“Hi, honey. How was court?”

“I don’t even remember now.” He steps in, slips his hand around my waist, and pulls me in. “I think there was a judge there. It was someone robed. Could have been a monk.” Chris runs his hand down my front. As if I’m not already intoxicated by him, his sex appeal just soared up even more because he’s dressed up like I’ve never seen him. It’s not like he’s in a full suit or anything, but compared to his usual college-casual look, the slick black blazer and white dress shirt he’s wearing are pretty damn hot. He does, of course, still have on jeans, but he’s traded his favorite sneakers for black shoes. But while I’m loving the look, my main impulse is to strip it off him.

I pull myself together enough to ask, “Did the judge happen to say anything important? You know, about your brother’s fate?”

“Ah, how quickly you forget.” His hand covers my breast, and he tightens his hold for a brief moment. “I don’t believe in fate.”

“So you don’t believe that you’re fated to come repeatedly tonight?”

“That’s not fate. That’s just fact.” He kneels in front of me and presses his mouth over my underwear. “And we’re both going to come repeatedly tonight. I have spent the entire day thinking about how good you taste.” The back of his hand runs gently over me. “I didn’t hurt you last night, did I?”

“No,” I murmur.

“Or very, very early this morning?”

“Definitely not.”

He leans forward on his knees and kisses me. “You’re not sore?”

“Not much.”

“In that case, there will be even more coming tonight.”

I reach behind me to steady myself on the wall. I try to focus for one more moment before my ability to think clearly collapses. “And what about Sabin?”

“I have no idea what his plans are for tonight.”

“Very fu

“Probation, license suspension, and he’ll be writing a big check.”

I inhale sharply when Chris follows the line of my underwear with one finger. “Could be … worse.” My voice is shaky and I can feel my skin heat up. For an all-too-short time, he touches under my underwear slowly and carefully. I am beyond worked up and wet within seconds.

Chris stands up and kisses me on the cheek.“ You should get dressed. We gotta go.” I can feel him smiling against me.

“What? You said di

“I lied. We’re meeting earlier because Sabin wants to go to some play.”

I really shouldn’t have a tantrum because that would be tacky and pathetic. But I still give him a look that says I might kill him.

“I’m not going with them,” he reassures me.

“What reason did you give?”

He grabs my ass with both hands. “I said that I couldn’t be out late because I had to come back here and fuck you until you pass out.“

“Christopher!” I laugh. “You did no such thing.”

“No. I still haven’t even told them you’re back, so they’re going to flip. They missed you. Especially Sabin.”

“I missed them, too.” I start to slip from his arms. “For the record, I do think you’re an asshole for teasing me.”

I sit on the edge of the bed and start to put on my black nylons. Chris folds his arms and leans against the wall, watching me, studying the way I move. While I’m completely comfortable with him in almost every way, it’s making me nervous to have his eyes on me so intently. But l can tell that he likes this, so I take my time getting dressed, doing what I can to draw it out. By the time I slip on the second high-heel black leather boot, Chris looks like he’s about attack me. Damn, Estelle is good.