Left Drowning

“Yes. It will.”

Although Chris is distracting, I eventually get pulled into Sabin’s performance. I may not know a ton about acting, but I do know that I enjoy watching him and that I laugh more than once. I’m disappointed when it’s over, partially because I’ll have to leave my spot next to Chris, but also because it has been such a pleasure to see my new friend onstage. Applause erupts, and I feel Chris looking at me as he stands and starts clapping. I glance at him. Damn, that little crooked smile of his is gorgeous. I rise from my seat and raise my hands above my head, clapping loudly as Sabin runs to center stage and bows. The Shepherd siblings whoop and yell, and their enthusiasm rubs off on me. I clap harder. Chris is screaming Sabin’s name, and Estelle starts whistling through her fingers as Eric climbs up on his chair. He reaches for Zach and then Estelle, bringing them up high, too. Estelle’s hand finds mine, and I am pulled up to stand on my seat next to her. I look down and hold out a hand to Chris. The rush when he places his hand in mine is nearly too much.

Sabin scans the room and sees us. He points at our group, beaming. His family goes nuts, and although I join in, I am painfully aware of the envy I feel about the obvious bond they have. I have nothing like this with James anymore. He barely feels like my brother, and I imagine that he doesn’t think of me as a sister. It isn’t normal, and it isn’t acceptable. I desperately miss him. I will try harder. Harder but without pushing. Whatever that means.

The houselights come on, and the auditorium slowly begins to empty. I can feel Chris standing behind me as we wait to move out of the aisle, and it seems to take an eternity before we are all gathered outside the building.

“Where the hell is Sabin?” Estelle asks. “He said he’d be right out after the show.”

“Probably figuring out which party to go to. He’ll be here,” Chris assures her.

I intentionally stand away from Chris and talk with Eric and Zach. I catch him looking at me a few times, but he doesn’t make any effort to move closer. Eric and I discover that we are both in the same English class, Love and Madness in Eighteenth-and Nineteenth-Century Literature. It’s an elective course that is open to both sophomores and upperclassmen, and it’s one of my favorites.

“So who do you prefer?” Eric asks. “The Marquis de Sade or Kate Chopin?”

I laugh. “Well, depends what day you ask me and how masochistic I’m feeling. And you?”

Eric grins. “I see you’re a girl after my own heart.”

“So, the Marquis de Sade,” we say together.

Zach shakes his head and puts his arm around Eric, rubbing his arm to stave off the now-cool October evening. “I think you both could do with a little less madness and a little more love.” He kisses Eric’s cheek. “But I’ll take the mad with the good.”

Eric groans, but can’t help smiling. “That was a tragic pun.”

“My loyal fans have congregated, awaiting my arrival!” Sabin blows through the group and lands next to Estelle. He has changed out of his costume into jeans, a T-shirt, and a leather biker jacket, but remnants of makeup still outline his already-dark eyes. He is flushed and buzzing in the afterglow of his performance. Or from the bottle of tequila in his hand. Either way, he is a firestorm of energy. “So? Whaddya think? Whaddya think? Blythe, you go first. Lay it on me. I was terrible, wasn’t I? You fell asleep? You were in a near coma and had to be revived with a kiss?” He raises his eyebrows in ridiculous exaggeration. “And I see you’ve been revived. Hmm… .”

“I most certainly did not fall asleep!” I protest. “You were wonderful. Honestly, Sabin, it was a great show.”

He beams. “Thank you. That’s very kind. Okay, who’s next? Who else has endless praise ready to be lavished upon the world’s best actor? Anyone? Really? Nothing? I’m crushed.”

“You know you were awesome,” Estelle says. “Your ego is big enough without us fawning all over you.” Then she cups a hand to her mouth and whispers, “But you were fantastic.”

The boys toss more deserved praise his way, until even Sabin starts to look humbled. “So, c’mon, everyone. There’s a band playing up on the hill, and I’ve got just the spot to watch them.” He starts leading the group across campus, and he has to yell to be heard over the noise of the band’s warm-up and the chatter from the theater crowd.

I am frozen in place, unsure what to do. Am I supposed to go with them? Am I invited? Do I even want to go? “I … I’m going to head back,” I say to no one in particular. “Thank you so much—”

“I heard that! Blythe, get up here!” Sabin calls over his shoulder. “You’re not going anywhere, is she, guys? I think she’s stuck with us now, right, everyone?”

“Shitting rainbows!” the rest of the group yells.

I scurry up to Sabin and let him throw an arm around my shoulder. “Shitting rainbows? Explain.”

“Stupid family joke. Bucking up in the face of tragedy and whatnot.” He waves a hand. “I gather you’ve been there.”

Chris has told them about my parents. Awesome. They are taking me in like the orphan that I am. “Really, I should get back to the dorm and—”

“Shut up,” he says teasingly. “I know what you’re thinking, and that’s not why you’re here with us.”

We walk for a minute. “Why am I?”

Sabin shrugs. “Does there really have to be an answer to that? Sometimes it’s just right. You fit. Jesus, kid, can’t you feel it? Don’t question everything.”

I smile. I do feel it. Belonging. It has been hard to recognize. Even the drama with Chris doesn’t change what’s here. I hear Chris’s voice in my head. Stop fighting it. Plus, Sabin has a warm, protective hold on me that is irresistible; a big guy with his arm over my shoulders just feels good right now.

“Stop calling me kid. I’m older than you are.”

“Ooooh, feisty girl! I like it!” His big arm shakes my shoulder, and I giggle.

“So where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

He leads us through the lighted paths between campus department buildings and up a back hill to the most modern building at Matthews. “Welcome to Architecture 101. Have you been here?”

I shake my head. “It looks cool, but we can’t go in, right? It’s kind of closed.”

“We’re not going in. We’re going on.” As he pulls down the fire escape from the side of the building, the noise seems to echo across the entire campus. “Up we go.”

“Sabin!” But he is already starting to climb the ladder. “Sabin!” I yell again.

How I am going to manage this shaky fire escape in Estelle’s crazy shoes is beyond me. I look up. Sabin has already reached the roof. Shit. I’m not much of a rule breaker, but this is only a minor infraction, so I’m not about to wimp out because of sexy shoes. Tentatively, I start up the first few rungs.

“Need a hand?”

I don’t have to look down to know who it is. His voice is unmistakable, both because of how it sounds and because of how my pulse goes fucking crazy.

“I’m perfectly fine,” I say and continue up.

I hear Chris and the others talking below, their voices fading as I near the top. Sabin is leaning over the concrete ledge that looks across campus.

He raises the bottle as if toasting me. “You made it, feisty girl!”

I kick a foot out in front of me. “Barely. No thanks to Estelle’s shoes.” I stand next to him now and take in the view. The campus looks pretty spectacular at night.

“Hey, about before,” Sabin starts as he puts his arm around me again, “I really am sorry about your parents. That absolutely sucks.”

“Thank you. And I’m sorry you lost your mom. You were really little, huh?”

Sabin nods. “We were.”

“I’m glad you’ve had your father.”

He laughs. “You shouldn’t be.”

“Why? You don’t get along?”

Sabin glances behind us. Chris is holding his hand out and helping Estelle up over the edge of the last ladder rung.