Flat-Out Matt

Celeste is not your job. We’re not your job. We’re not your family.

Oh God, what had he done?

He’d been blaming Julie for all of this. But he was wrong about why. It wasn’t that Julie had gone too far with Celeste—or with Matt. It was that she had given them somewhere to fall from. They hadn’t had that in years. There hadn’t been anything else to lose until now. He was angry with her for giving him hope because now the crash hurt like hell.

I’ll never be what you want. You don’t like me? Then stay out of my life.

He didn’t want Julie out of his life. But he didn’t know if he wanted her in it. She pushed. God, she pushed so hard. It felt as though she disapproved of so much about Matt, but he could see that wasn’t the full truth. She did like him, but she also saw all of his shortcomings that he was already so painfully aware of. But maybe she pushed because she saw potential in all of them to live more vibrant, functional lives? Even him? Matt blinked back tears and tucked an arm under his head.

Everything was going to explode soon. He could feel it. There wasn’t much time left. Julie was right when she said that they couldn’t keep avoiding the real world. This false one was going to disintegrate, and he wouldn’t be able to stop it. It would happen by the end of the school year. He’d essentially set that deadline in a chat with Julie by telling her that Fi

His dark room was too empty, the quiet acutely painful. The clock on his nightstand clicked loudly while he lay still and waited for the worst of his agony to pass. He was good at squashing emotions, but tonight was tough.

Later, the door opened slowly. “Matt?” And then she was there, sitting on his bed. In the moonlight, he could see that she looked as wrecked as he felt. “Matty?”

His anger and his fear still hovered, but he looked at her.

“I’m sorry. Please. You have to forgive me.” Julie’s voice was breaking. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she kept repeating. “Matty, please. You can’t be this mad at me. I can’t take it.” She dropped her head onto his chest and slid her arms under his shoulders, pulling him against her.

Matt’s eyes stung as she hugged him tightly, and he lay unmoving while she clutched onto him. He should push her away, tell her again to go to hell, because keeping her at a distance might be the smart move. He didn’t know anymore. Perhaps all of the choices he’d made since Fi

“Shhh….” he said.

Matt was taken aback by how affected she was by what happened between them. Julie’s pain was not just about Celeste. It was about him. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t mean any of the things I said to you. You didn’t deserve that.” It was true. She didn’t deserve his hateful words when he was too cowardly to tell her the truth about anything. All she had been doing for months was to try to help.

She rested her cheek against his chest, still clinging to him, the warmth of her body against his bringing him relief and calm. Matt’s hand traveled from her hair to the top of her tank, over the straps and just grazing her skin.

“I was awful,” he continued. “Your relationship with your father is none of my business. Of course you love him, and you have every right to. What I said was unforgivable.” Matt kept his hand on her, starting to touch her shoulders and her back. He hoped that she could feel his sincere remorse. “You’re the best thing to happen to Celeste. She was lost before you got here. As if she didn’t belong anywhere. You’re saving her. I never should have said what I did.”

“No, I pushed her too much,” Julie said quietly. “And you. It won’t happen again.”

“You’ve been perfect. I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t. Not yet.” It would happen. One day she would know everything, but not tonight. First they had to recover from this.

“I know. That’s all right.” Her hold on him stayed strong, but he could feel tension begin to ease from her body. Matt didn’t take his hand away for a second.

After a few minutes, Julie shivered a bit.

“Cold?” he asked.

“Yeah. A little.”

He slid his legs, and they moved together so that Julie was on her side, under the blanket with him, and resting her head in the crook of his hold. Matt stroked her arm, ru

He squeezed back.

“So we’re still friends?” she asked.

Friends. The worst word. But he would take it, because it was the most important thing. “Yes,” he said after a moment. “We’re still friends.”

Julie yawned. Their fight had drained both of them, and Matt wanted her to get some sleep. She had been through a lot tonight, too. And if she stayed awake any longer, she would come to her senses and leave. He slowed his touch over her arm and shoulder and listened to her breathing change as she drifted off in his arms.

If he fell asleep, he would miss this. So he stayed awake and spent the next two hours trying to memorize what her body felt like next to his. When the truth came out, when his many lies were exposed, she would hate him for what he had done to her. She was worth so much more than his cowardice.

If things were different, if he could go back and do this right.

If Fi

But Matt was the one to blame. He could have stopped this mess with Julie before it ever started. If he’d been strong enough.

Too many ifs.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered into the dark. Matt brought his lips to the top of her head and lightly kissed her.

Julie lifted her head slightly.

“God, I’m so sorry, Julie,” he murmured.

“Me too,” she said.

Julie raised her head more, bringing her mouth by his. He couldn’t breathe. What was she doing? She couldn’t be…. But she was, because she put her lips to his. They held still, delaying the moment that could change everything. They shouldn’t do this. It would be a mistake.

Matt placed his hand firmly on her waist and pulled her up. And then he kissed her. Her lips were incredible, and their kiss gentle and unhurried. He moved his tongue against hers, and she pressed her mouth harder against his, her response heating up their co

Matt didn’t want to stop, and it was clear Julie didn’t either. More than anything, he wanted to roll her onto her back, and to take this further. He would slowly ease off her clothes. He would hold his body over hers, kissing her for ages, only eventually pulling away from her lips to work his mouth down her neck, over her chest, her stomach. Lower. He wanted to make love to her, to show her how adored she really was.

Julie’s breathing was picking up as he continued to kiss her, teasing her with his tongue, coaxing her into response. She wanted him, it was easy to tell. And he wanted her more than he ever could have imagined. This was not Julie with Fi