Whisper to Me

“Don’t stop, Kai,” she finally said, catching her breath. “Keep moving.”

“Hold up a minute,” I said. I flipped her onto the bed and yanked down her skirt so that she was on my sheets completely naked. Her knees were bent, her feet flat on the mattress. Her skin glistened and her buds were still hard. I took a mental picture of her, so that when I was halfway around the world, I’d have a snapshot of this moment.

I stood and pushed down my pants, finally feeling unrestricted.

Her eyes roved over my bare skin, top to bottom, and then she sighed. “You’re beautiful.”

I worked my way up her body, licking her calves and her slick thighs, before landing between her legs. I needed to taste her again, in case I was never given another chance.

She squirmed and moaned as I sucked on her swollen nub.

After a few seconds more, she yanked at my hair. “No, Kai. Inside me. Now.”

“So bossy,” I said, crawling up her body. “I like it.”

I positioned my tip near her entrance and my thighs quivered with blinding need. I was so ready to just bury all of myself inside her warm body—to pump her full of my fears and doubts and regrets about leaving.

She wrapped her legs around my waist, and I pi

And holy fucking Christ, she felt tight and warm and goddamn perfect at this angle.

The sensation was almost too much to handle, and I stilled my body, hissing through my teeth.

“Move, Kai,” she said, snapping me out of my reverie. “Harder. Faster.”

She didn’t have to ask twice as I pumped into her hot and solid over and over, attempting to release all of it—my pain and passion and sorrow. Her thighs trembled and she arched up against me, her nails biting into my back as she was swept away again, mumbling my name against my neck.

It only took a few more firm thrusts before I let loose inside her. I attempted to pull out, but she gripped my ass and drove me into her, as I groaned deep and long.

“Fuck. Goddamn.” I sank down on top of her, attempting to calm my racing heart. I was a shuddering, panting mess. “So incredible.”

I kissed her neck and rolled off of her, still wanting to keep her close.

I reached for the towel from my earlier shower and cleaned her up, placing a soft kiss on each breast.

I feathered my fingers through her hair, over her jaw, and across her lips. The only sound was our heavy breathing as we lay quietly studying each other.

The finality of this moment—and the sorrow that came with it—slowly crept back in like a dense fog descending upon us.

And I saw the realization mirrored in the dark flecks of her eyes. I didn’t want to let her go, and I adjusted my arms across her stomach to grip her tighter.

We lay there for several long minutes, each lost in our own head.

Eventually, she pushed out of my grasp, and my heart lurched. I watched, trying to memorize her beautiful body, as she stood and began dressing. Her skirt, then her bra, before she tugged her top over her head.

Her face was a map of emotions as she looked down at her ripped underwear lying on the floor, considering whether to pick it up. In the end, she left it there.

She finally met my gaze, a silent, heartrending good-bye reflected in her eyes.

Knee propped on the bed, she leaned over, her mouth hovering close to mine. As her lips brushed my cheek, I closed my eyes, reveling in her touch. Her mouth feathered over my shoulder, my chest, and then down to my stomach and my muscles contracted from the intimate contact.

Her lips closed around the skin above my waist and she sucked, hard. I groaned and my fingers flew to her hair. “Rachel, what are you . . . ?”

She pulled back to admire her handiwork, then stood up and moved toward the door.

“Wait,” I said, emotions clogging my throat.

I wanted her to stay. And I needed her to go.

My heart threatened to burst from my chest. And then felt as if it might stop beating altogether.

She shook her head without turning around.

Her fingers roughly gripped the door handle, her knuckles turning white.

And then she was gone.

Chapter Thirty-six Rachel

I decided to return to school a week early because the condo felt too empty without Kai.

The night we had that amazing, mind-blowing sex, I couldn’t stay in the same space any longer. So I drove to my mother’s house, where I broke down and told her everything. She held me and kissed my head and told me that if he felt the same way, I’d know soon enough.

But I knew she was wrong, and besides, I didn’t want to hold out hope. Furthermore, his texts were vague, almost drab. I understood what he was attempting to do—to make sure we kept in touch—but they were almost too painful to read.

Arrived in Amsterdam. It’s rainy today.

Thanks for the weather forecast, Kai.

Whereas I didn’t know very much when he’d lived in Amsterdam the first time, now I knew almost too much. I kept picturing him tooling around town, grabbing coffee, meeting hot Dutch women.

Truth be told, his texts had become my lifeline. So I was screwed either way.

I now lived with Ella in Avery’s old apartment and that made my parents feel more secure. Living alone would have made them worry too much that I’d get sick and have no one to check in on me. I think Ella and Avery felt the same way, even though they never voiced it.

I had been open with them about my crush on Kai and a few things that had gone down—but some details would remain private, just between him and me.

They were convinced that Kai’s feelings for me extended beyond friendship, given how he’d acted the day after the concert when I was hospitalized. But I assured them that he’d always been protective of me, especially three years earlier, during recovery.

Getting back into my class load felt good—as if I was moving forward with my life.

Business had picked up at Pure since the grand opening, so with Mom’s support, we hired some part-time help. That assuaged my guilt about returning to my college life. Not that there was any real life left.

I certainly had no earthly desire to attend any sporting event or party. Besides, Kai had basically ruined guys for me. I would forevermore remember how it felt to have him inside of me. And right now, nothing would compare.

Before I hit the road, Dakota and I finally had it out. She told me I was brooding, I told her she was bitchy, and we decided to lay it all out on the line.

I figured everything else had pretty much been ruined, and I wasn’t enjoying my current relationship with Dakota anyway—how we tiptoed around each other—so I needed to finally have an open discussion with her.

“I can’t be who you want me to be,” I said one morning over a cup of coffee. It had been quiet between us. I could tell stuff had been on her mind, too. We used to be more open with each other. Until I had stuff to hide.

And now I still had stuff to hide, and I was weary from the effort.

What in the hell did I have to lose anyway?

“Which is who, exactly?” she said, huffing out a gust of air.

As if she’d been exasperated with me. The same thing I’d been feeling from her since my friends had come up for the concert. Even they’d given me less shit than she had. Sure, they’d call under the pretense of worrying about my campus housing, when in reality it was about my health and I couldn’t begrudge them that.

They seemed to have moved beyond the fact that I had kept plenty from them. But it appeared Dakota couldn’t.

“Miss Goody-Goody,” I said, straightening myself and trying not to cave under her stern gaze. “I know I was that girl before, but I’m not anymore.”

“Finally,” she said, letting out a breath. “God, Rachel, you may not realize this, but I actually admire you.”