Emancipating Andie

“No, no tattoos,” she sighed, a soft smile on her lips as her eyes fell closed.

He shifted beneath her, and then she felt his lips in her hair. “Tell me your biggest regret,” he whispered.

Andie looked up at him. “My biggest regret?” she asked softly.

“Mm-hm,” he murmured.

And as soon as he said it, she knew what she would tell him. She wanted him to know her, really know her, so that when he finally told her he loved her, she’d know he meant all of her. Everything. Even her worst mistakes.

Know your regrets. Wear them like a badge of lessons learned.

“I was almost raped,” she said, wishing her voice didn’t sound so pathetic as she uttered the words.

She felt his chest still beneath her for a moment, and suddenly he shifted, lifting her off his body so he could see her face.

But she couldn’t look him in the eyes yet.

“When?”

Andie licked her lips nervously, her eyes on the sheet as her fingers plucked at the seam. “When I was fourteen.”

The room grew silent, and Andie glanced up at him uneasily. He opened his mouth but closed it before he said anything, shaking his head slightly. His expression was more disturbed than confused, and Andie could tell he was torn between asking her to explain and not wanting to upset her.

“I didn’t really know him,” she offered, lowering her eyes again. “I mean, I knew of him. We went to the same school.”

Chase’s hand found hers on the bed, his thumb making one soft pass over the back of it.

“He was older than me. Really popular. I had a huge crush on him,” she said with a sad smile before she shook her head softly. “He invited me to a party, and I convinced my friend to sneak out and go with me. At some point I went to the bathroom, and he followed me up there. He came in and locked the door…” Andie glanced up at Chase again. The muscles of his jaw were flexing over and over, but his eyes were still soft.

She took a deep breath, and much to her embarrassment, it trembled. It had been years since she had said any of this out loud, and she was underprepared for the power the words still held for her.

He clasped her hand then, intertwining their fingers, and she held it as she found her voice again.

“Anyway, he tried, but…I was fighting…and I guess I was so scared that I…that my body…” She looked down and shook her head. “He just…he couldn’t manage it…and then he just got fed up with me and left,” she said with a tiny shrug, chewing on her lower lip. “I’ve never told anyone that,” she added, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Nobody?” he said softly. “Your parents? Colin?”

Andie shook her head. “The only one who knows is my friend Tracey, and that’s only because she was there that night. As soon as she saw me, she knew something had happened, and she wouldn’t give up until I told her. Otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have said anything to her either.”

“Why didn’t you say something?” he asked, his voice almost desperate. “Why didn’t you have him arrested?”

“Because I was young, and scared, and he told me no one would believe me, and I believed him. And plus, when we got back to school, he walked right past me like I didn’t exist, like I was completely invisible, and in a way, I was relieved. I wanted to be invisible to him. I didn’t want to do anything that would force me to interact with him ever again.”

“Jesus, Andie,” he said, and his voice was so sad that she scooted toward him, pressing her face against the side of his neck. His arms immediately wrapped around her, holding her firmly against his chest.

“You asked me once if I’d ever done something without worrying about consequences. Something just for me, because it was what I wanted. Well…there you have it,” she said softly. “And I’m not trying to make excuses. But that’s why I am the way I am, I think…like you said, always playing by the rules, always doing the right thing. Because I know there are consequences for doing the wrong thing.”

He released her then, pulling back from her slightly with his face full of concern. “You can’t possibly think that was your fault.”

She licked her lips and looked down. “I don’t know. I mean, I know I didn’t deserve it, but I put myself in that situation. I barely knew him, and I went to that party because I was naïve enough to think he was interested in me. My mom said it was wrong, my friend said it was wrong, but I did it anyway. And I paid the price.”

“Doesn’t matter,” he said firmly, shaking his head. “So you made a decision for yourself. So you didn’t do what someone else expected of you. That’s not a crime, and you certainly didn’t deserve to pay a price for it. The only reason that happened was because he was a cowardly piece of shit. A fucking lowlife. It had nothing to do with your choice to go to a party, regardless of who didn’t want you to go.”

Andie nodded, chewing on the inside of her lip. “The thing is, though, on some level, even in my own heart I knew I shouldn’t be going.”

Chase leaned over, sweeping her hair behind her ear. “It’s still not your fault. But now you know better. You should never ignore your instincts. You don’t have to do what other people tell you to do, but you should always do what your heart tells you.”

Andie nodded as she looked down. It was so different from what she’d always been told. Use your head. Love with your head. Everything always logical, sensible, careful.

She thought back on everything that had happened that night: declining Colin’s proposal, going to see Chase, returning to his house a second time to confront him, baring herself to him, mind, body, and soul. None of that was sensible. None of it was careful. Yet it all felt right.

She looked at him then, lying next to her and looking up at her with a sentiment so pure that it made her eyes well with tears.

You should always do what your heart tells you.

She took Chase’s hand and pressed her lips against his palm.

“I finally did,” she whispered.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

“Ok a y, now I really have to go to bed,” Andie said after she yawned heavily into the phone.

“You’ve been saying that for the past hour,” Chase said, shifting on the couch to look at the clock. “It’s after one.”

“I know,” Andie pouted. “So stop talking to me.”

Chase laughed, stretching across the length of his couch. “I can’t. I like your voice too much.”

“Mmm, you’re good,” Andie said sleepily.

“Remind me again why you have to be at the restaurant at six in the morning?”

“Because we’re hosting a bridal shower and a retirement party back to back tomorrow.”

“And which one of them starts before the sun comes up?”

“Neither, smart-ass,” Andie said. “But there’s a lot of organization and setup and behind-the-scenes stuff that needs to be done. It’s go

“Well then, what are you doing talking on the phone at one in the morning?”

She laughed softly, and Chase smiled. He really did love her voice. And her laugh. And the sleepy little noises she was making into the phone as she fought sleep to talk to him. But he knew he had to stop being selfish, considering the day she had in front of her.