Emancipating Andie

Andie fell back in her chair, the force of her sudden epiphany hitting her like a tidal wave.

It was like the world had just righted itself in front of her eyes.

Maybe loving with her head was what worked for her mother, but Andie knew at that moment, knew with a certainty that she had never felt about anything in her life before this moment, that it wouldn’t work for her.

She did love Colin. It was never an issue of not loving him. He was a good guy, and he was kind, and predictable, and stable, and safe.

She just didn’t love him with her heart.

She didn’t burn for Colin; she didn’t melt for him. He didn’t make her want to be a better person. He didn’t challenge her, he didn’t inspire her, he didn’t make her feel like the world was at her feet, like anything was possible. Andie knew what it felt like to experience those things now, even if it was just for a moment.

She wanted to experience them again.

She sat up straight in her chair, quickly saving her work and closing down her computer.

Her hands were shaking.

She wasn’t sure what she was going to do, but she felt like she needed to take some kind of action. It was like a veil had been lifted from her eyes, and now that she could see everything clearly, she didn’t want to waste anymore time.

She had to talk to Colin.

She needed to see Chase.

With trembling hands she shoved her laptop back into its case and swung it over her shoulder, walking briskly to the door and flinching suddenly as it swung open and sent her stumbling backward.

“Shit! Sorry, are you okay?” Tracey laughed, reaching out to steady her friend.

“Jesus! Why are you storming in here like a maniac?”

“I didn’t storm, I just opened the door. It’s not my fault that you were charging it like a bull from the other side. Where the hell are you going in such a hurry?”

“I just…I have to talk to Colin,” Andie said, brushing her hair out of her face and trying to sound composed.

“Are you going down there now?”

Andie looked at her watch, wondering if he’d be home, wondering if that was the best plan of action. “Um…yeah, I think so.”

“Perfect,” Tracey said. “I was coming back here to see if you could drop me off at my sister’s. I’m watching her kids tonight and there’s never a place for me to park in her development.”

“Fine,” Andie said, walking around her friend. “But we need to leave now.”

Tracey made a face before she brought her hand up to her forehead in a salute. “Sir, yes sir!” she said, following her friend to the door.

Andie laughed, rolling her eyes as she pulled the door open and walked out through the restaurant. She weaved her way around the bar area and out through the side door, not even checking to see if Tracey was behind her.

As soon as both girls were inside the car, Andie saw Tracey turn in the passenger seat to face her. “Alright, Weber. Spill it.”

“Spill it?” Andie asked as she backed out of the space.

“Seriously, what the hell is going on with you?” Tracey asked, the concern prevailing over the playfulness in her voice.

“What? Nothing. I’m fine,” Andie said, and when Tracey responded with silence, she glanced over to see her friend staring at her.

“I call bullshit.”

Andie sighed heavily; she didn’t know who she was kidding trying to evade her best friend of nearly twenty years. “Fine,” she said softly. “I just realized that I might…I mean that I do…” She shook her head, taking a breath. “I have feelings for Chase.”

“God, you suck,” Tracey laughed. “I can’t get a good guy, and here you are lining them up.”

Andie kept her eyes on the road, saying nothing.

“Wait, hold on, are you seriously considering doing something about this?” Tracey asked, the humor now gone from her voice.

She licked her lips before she nodded, her eyes straight ahead.

A stillness fell over the car, and Andie felt a tightening in her chest as she waited for Tracey’s response.

“Andie,” she finally said. “Colin is great.”

“I know,” Andie responded softly.

There was another silence before Tracey said, “I mean, do you even know this Chase guy? Does he have feelings for you too? Or does he just want you? How much thought have you put into this? It’s just that…Colin is a lot to throw away.”

Andie exhaled heavily as she dropped her head back against the seat. “I’ve thought about it, Trace. It’s all I’ve been able to think about for the past month.”

Tracey said nothing, but out of the corner of her eye, Andie could see her shift so that she was facing the road again.

“It’s just that I chose wrong. And I want you to be sure you’re not doing the same thing.”

“You chose wrong?” Andie asked, her brow furrowed. “What are you talking about?”

“Nate.”

“But Trace,” she said, trying to choose her words carefully. “That wasn’t about you making a poor choice. Nate…” She paused, not wanting to say the words. “Nate broke up with you. You didn’t have a choice about that.”

“I cheated on him, Andie.”

She felt her eyes go wide before she whipped her head toward her friend. “You cheated on Nate?” she asked, unable to keep the shock out of her voice.

Tracey nodded.

Andie opened her mouth to respond, but no words would come. Tracey had said that Nate broke up with her because he felt they were too young to be so serious, that he wanted to experience college life.

“Why didn’t you ever—”

“I was too embarrassed to tell you,” she said quietly, cutting her off.

It was quiet for a beat before Andie said, “So…he broke up with you because he found out?”

“His roommate found out. He said that either I had to tell Nate, or he would.”

Andie fell silent, trying to make sense of everything she had just been told. Only one thought kept coming to the forefront of her mind, loud and clear; why in the hell would she have ever cheated on Nate?

“I was stupid,” Tracey said, as if she had read Andie’s mind. “Things were basically perfect with him. I know that now. But at the time, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe…I don’t know…maybe the grass was greener somewhere else. He was my first real boyfriend. The thought of only being with him…it just made me feel like, I don’t know…like maybe I was settling and not even realizing it.”

Andie took a deep breath, glancing over at her friend.

“But you know how that story ends,” Tracey said with a sad smile before she shook her head. “Nothing was ever as good as him.” She was quiet before she turned toward Andie. “I ruined everything. And I’m probably going to spend the rest of my life regretting my decision.” She looked down before she added, “Sometimes when you make a mistake, you can’t go back and fix it, you can’t undo it as much as you might want to. Are you sure this isn’t going to be one of those mistakes?”

Andie exhaled slowly, saying nothing.

Because the truth was, she wasn’t sure. She had no idea what the future held for her and Chase.

They drove on in silence, both of them clearly lost in their thoughts. Andie tried to imagine herself in Tracey’s situation; could she see herself telling this story, years from now, and referring to it as the biggest mistake of her life? Could she see herself lamenting the fact that no one who followed Colin could ever measure up?

And just as she stopped the car on the street in front of Tracey’s sister’s house, it hit her. No matter what the future held for her, there was no way she could be truly happy with Colin now. She realized she wanted more than he could give, and staying with him just because she was afraid of the unknown would be just as unfair to him as it would be to her.

Tracey turned to her. “Before you do anything, just…be sure that you’re sure,” she said as she unbuckled her seat belt. “Thanks for the ride. I love you,” she added, leaning over and kissing Andie’s cheek.