Forgiving Lies

“Traitors,” I whispered, and looked back to Mason since he was being quiet.

He just continued to look at me for what felt like minutes before saying anything. “I can see it in your eyes, Rach. They’re the same as Kash’s. Empty.”

“It’s the lens on the laptop.” I shrugged, but it was an awkward movement since Eli was still holding me to the chair. “Makes everyone look like that.”

“Bullshit. So next question.”

“Ha. No, one was more than enough. We’re done, Mason.” I tried to stand but Eli wasn’t letting me budge. I unlocked my arms and reached for the laptop, but Candice smacked them down and pushed the laptop out of my reach.

“Why are you still doing this to each other? He’s miserable without you. Do you know that he tried to quit his job? That’s how fucked up he is right now, Rach.”

“That’s not my problem!” I snapped. “He lied to me. He let me believe all of these false things about both of you, and you know what, Mase? I’m mad at you too! You were going to let me marry him when you knew I didn’t know a damn thing about him? You told me I reminded you of your sister; would you let your sister do something like that— Wait. Do you even have a sister?!”

“I do, she’s a year older than you. We told you as many truths as we could, Rachel. I was pissed when the two of you got engaged—not because I didn’t want you together,” he hurried to say, “but because of the fact that we were still undercover and you didn’t know who we really were. He fell for you hard and fast; nothing was going to be enough until you were completely his, and he got caught up in it. He wouldn’t have married you before you knew everything, I know that for a fact. I promise you, he’s killing himself for ever keeping anything from you.”

I wanted to say something like good but I couldn’t. I hated that Kash was miserable. I hated what he’d done to me, but the fact that he was hurting . . . hurt me more.

“But you don’t understand, Rach. When we came to Austin, we were hiding from a hit placed on both of us for some undercover work we did here in Florida. We didn’t have a choice about going by false names; we didn’t even have a choice about moving to Austin. We had to leave the night we found out about it. Because of the case we were on, we were going undercover again, to find the Carnation killer. Our jobs were set up for us; once again, we didn’t have a say, but this is what Kash and I did for close to four years. We would go undercover, and we would be whatever they needed us to be. And once the hit on us was gone, we both agreed we still couldn’t let you girls know, it was too dangerous. Obviously.”

I winced and Mason grimaced.

“Kash tried to fight his feelings for you in the begi

“But he shouldn’t—”

“Hold on, Rach . . . let me finish. There was this girl Kash had dated for a long time, and he told me he was going to ask her to marry him when we got out of our first undercover assignment. By the time we got out, she was engaged to someone else. He never once looked at Megan the way he looked at you, and when he found out about her engagement, he wished her the best, knowing the other guy could give her the life she needed. Sure, he was upset, but it was nothing compared to what is happening to him still after all these months without you. So try to see it from his side, and know that he’d found the girl who meant the world to him. He wanted it all with you. Should he have waited to ask you to marry him until you knew the truth? Yeah, he should’ve. But he didn’t; he was too in love with you to wait.”

Silent tears were streaming down my face and I brought up my hands to try to wipe them away, but it was useless. They wouldn’t stop.

Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I spoke softly. “I just don’t know, Mason. He—what he did hurt me worse than anything has in my life. And he could easily do it again.”

I watched as he reached forward and guessed he was touching my image on the screen. “I can promise you all day long that he wouldn’t. But you’re the one who has to decide to trust him. I know you’re hurting, sweetheart . . . he is too. None of us can stand this for either of you. I’ve tried to get him to go to you, but he won’t. He thinks that he’s hurt you enough for one lifetime and that his job is too dangerous for you. He honestly believes he can’t give you a life you deserve. He’s always going to blame himself for what happened to you.” He ended on a whisper.

A sob broke through and I buried my face in my hands.

“Rach, one of you has to end this, and he thinks he’s protecting you by staying away.”

My chest tightened in pain and a wave of what can only be described as the deepest sorrow I’ve ever known washed over my body. This full-body ache had become so familiar to me over the last four months, but it never once got any easier to deal with. Each time it knocked the air from my body just as it had the first time, and every time it took a little longer for the ache to subside.

Can people die from a broken heart?

I don’t think so. But I do know that when you keep yourself, or are kept, from the person who holds your heart, your body cripples under the knowledge that it isn’t whole and won’t be until you’re with them again.

Minutes passed as I stayed curled in on myself, and at some point, Eli pulled me up into his arms and sat back in the chair with me in his lap. “Rach,” he whispered, “I finally pulled my head out of my ass . . . are you ready to do the same?”

20

Kash

“MASE? I’M HOME.” I loosened my tie and unbuttoned the first two buttons on my shirt.

“Did you tell your mom I want more banana nut bread?”

I huffed a laugh and opened the fridge to grab a bottled water. “I did. She said if you come visit she’ll make some.”

“All right. Well, I’ll see you later.” He grabbed his keys off the counter and headed toward the door.

“Whoa. Wait. What? She’s not going to make you some tonight. And you told me to get back here immediately and now you’re leaving? I only see my parents once a week and I’d just barely gotten there.”

“Yeah, well . . . I gotta go. I’ll probably see you tomorrow. Or something.”

My jaw dropped as I watched him walk out the door. I’d just spent all day in court and then missed a home-cooked meal for that? Fuck this. I’m changing and going back over there. You just don’t pass up my mom’s cooking for no reason.

Walking quickly into my room, I yanked off my tie and shirt and had begun taking my badge, gun, and cuffs off my belt when my eyes finally noticed the new item on my dresser. My heart skipped a couple painful beats before drumming quickly. My chest tightened and I had to force myself to set the cuffs down before grabbing the mason jar sitting there. It was full of Sour Patch Kids—only the green ones. I squeezed my eyes shut when I felt another person come into the room and swore that if Mason was playing a trick on me, or just trying to get me to go see her again, I’d shoot him.

Blowing out a deep breath, I turned slowly and looked up to see Rachel standing there, looking more beautiful than I remembered. Before any type of hope could fill me, the memory of our last conversation replayed in my mind and pain sliced through my chest. I hadn’t seen her in just over four months, and not one day in that time had passed without my wishing I could go back and change everything.