Forever Black

I went into the bathroom. I was so angry for my life and for what I did to Co

“It’s ok sweetie; I’m here,” Peyton whispered. She looked down and picked up the blade and then she looked at my wrists, “Jesus Elle.”

We sat on the bathroom floor for what seemed like an eternity. She helped me up and walked me to the bedroom.

“I see you went on a destruction spree.”

I sat on the floor with my knees to my chest as she remade my bed. I felt like I had just had a nervous breakdown; like everything that happened in my life just hit me. Peyton took me by the shoulders and helped me up. She went to my drawer and pulled a night-shirt out and helped me into it. I felt like a rag doll as my arms and legs felt limp. I climbed into my bed as Peyton covered me with the blankets. She scooted next to me and put her arms around me.

“Co

I didn’t say a word; I couldn’t. I just shook my head and drifted off into a deep sleep.

I woke up and looked around the room. I sat on the edge of the bed as Peyton walked in. “Finally, you’re awake.”

I yawned and ran my hand through my hair, “How long have I been sleeping?”

She put her hands on her hips and twisted her face as if she didn’t want to tell me, “2 days.”

My eyes widened, “What? 2 days? Peyton, why didn’t you wake me?”

She came over and sat on the edge of the bed, “Sweetie you obviously needed it. When I found you on that bathroom floor, god Elle, I thought you...” She turned her head and looked at the wall.

I lightly took her hand, “I know Peyton and I’m sorry.”

She laid her head on my shoulder, “The only thing that matters is you didn’t. You’re awake now, and you need to eat. Henry made the most delicious chicken noodle soup.”

I looked at her with a frown, “Who’s Henry?”

She tilted her head and smiled, “Dr. Hottie, he’s been here helping me out while you’ve been sleeping.”

I rolled my eyes, “Seriously Peyton, you told him everything?”

“Yeah Elle, I did; we’re seeing each other now, and I needed someone to talk to, besides, he’s been the biggest help.”

I got up and felt light-headed. Peyton grabbed my arm, “You need to eat Elle; it’s been 2 days.”

She helped me to the kitchen. All I could smell is the aroma of the chicken soup, and it was amazing. I didn’t feel like eating, but my body told me I had to. I sat at the table as Peyton set the bowl of soup in front of me, “Eat up.”

“Where’s my phone?” I asked her.

“It’s over on your desk, I charged it for you.”

I walked over and pulled it out of the charger and turned it on. I patiently waited for it to turn on so I could see if Co

Peyton sat across from me as I slowly ate the soup Henry had made. “Ellery, why didn’t you tell me about your cancer coming back? I thought we were best friends?”

I couldn’t look at her because I was ashamed. I knew my secret would hurt the people close to me. I’ve already lived it, and I couldn’t go through it again.

“Peyton, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I wanted to tell you, believe me, but I couldn’t bear to stand in front of you and see the look on your face after I told you. It was bad enough I had to tell Kyle.”

She reached over and touched my hand that was resting on the table. “Elle, I would have stood by you and supported you. I seriously ca

I got up from the table and sat on the couch, hugging my knees to my chest and burying my head in my hands. “My life has been made up of hurting people Peyton. I need you to understand that. After my mother died, I was left as a reminder of her to my dad, and that hurt him so much, he had to drink himself to death just to cope. Then there was my suicide attempt and cancer.” I could feel the tears starting to spring back to life.

Peyton sat down beside me and put her arm around me pulling me closer. “I do understand where you’re coming from Elle, but do you want to know what I think? I think you made the wrong decision not to tell anyone, especially Co

I leaned my head on her shoulder, “I’m sorry Peyton; I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

“I can and have forgiven you Elle, but you have to promise me that you’ll call the doctor and start treatments right away because…” Peyton started to cry. “I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

I turned towards her and hugged her tight. “I’m sorry, and I promise to get help.”

Peyton got up to clean up the kitchen as I went to take a shower. I got dressed and put on my coat.

“Excuse me, where do you think you’re going?” she asked.

“I have a couple of things I need to do.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea that you go anywhere.”

I lightly laughed, “Are you my mother now?”

“No, but I do worry about you and I want you to be safe, Oh god I sound like a mother,” she smiled.

“I won’t be gone long, I promise.”

I walked out the door and headed down the crowded streets. You would think that the coldness of the air would chill my bones, but every part of my existence was already numb.

I walked over to the next block to a church I’ve admired since I moved to New York. I needed to seek solace in the house of God. I had unanswered questions and unfinished business. I reached the steps of the church and pulled open the heavy door that led inside. I have wanted to visit this church since I moved here, but Kyle wasn’t a church fan and wouldn’t go with me.

I looked around at the beauty of the stained glass that overtook the windows and many rows of wooden pews that stood before me. I knelt at one of the pews and said hello to God before I sat down. I stared at the altar as memories of my childhood flashed before my eyes; memories of me sitting in a pew just like this one, in the front row, staring at the large wooden casket that held my mother. My father holding his face crying as strangers all around gave me their sympathetic looks.

A single tear fell from my eye. As I wiped it away, a man in a white robe sat down next to me.

“Good day my child, is there anything I can do for you?”

“Hello father, I’m just here because I have some unfinished business with god.”

He gave me a surprised look, “Unfinished business, huh?”

I looked down and laced my fingers together, “Yeah, I need some questions answered about my life, and I was hoping to get them here.”

The priest sat and listened to me as I told him about my life. I confided in him about my mother and father’s death, my past and recurrent battle with cancer and how I hid the truth from Co