Lost and Found

She meandered down the street to where she’d parked her car at the curb. Across was a pub she and Derek used to go to with the best strawberry margaritas in the world. They hadn’t been there in a long time.

A man and a woman came out the door of the pub. Krissa stopped.

It was Derek.

Who was he with?

Krissa stepped behind a planter overflowing with red and purple petunias. She watched her husband put his arm around the woman’s waist and lead her down the steps to the sidewalk. Her blonde hair hung straight to her waist. A tight, low-cut top revealed generous cleavage and her high-heeled slides brought her almost to Derek’s height. Pretty, in a slutty way, Krissa observed numbly.

On the sidewalk, the woman laughed at something, turned to Derek and kissed him on the mouth. And he kissed her back, his hand sliding around to her ass in a snug pair of bright pink Capri pants.

The ice cream plopped from Krissa’s hand to the brick sidewalk. She ignored it, stared open-mouthed at her husband passionately kissing another woman.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

It would probably take her a year to sort out the confused thoughts and feelings eddying in her head. Maybe it would take forever. She only knew that the few hours between when she’d seen Derek outside The Jolly Frog pub and when he arrived home were not enough to sort out exactly how she felt and what she should do about it.

Maybe she should have confronted him then and there, with that woman, but her first instinct had been to retreat, to run away from the ugliness. Once before she had been in denial about Derek’s fidelity, had let it go, pretended it hadn’t happened, but…not this time.

When Derek came quietly into the house, she was sitting in the living room. She’d finished off a bottle of wine. Never mind ice cream. Wine sounded much better when she’d gotten home. When the thought that she could be pregnant crossed her mind, she pushed it away. After so long, it just wasn’t meant to happen. Wasn’t going to happen. She might as well accept that and move on with things.

Move on with what?

Derek spotted her sitting in the dark, wine glass in her hand, and stopped. “Hi.”

“Hi.” The first thing she wanted to say was, where were you? But she wasn’t going to act like a wronged wife. Because she was still worried that she wasn’t exactly in the right, her feelings for Nate troubling and confusing.

“You’re still up.”

“Yes.”

He walked over to the couch and sat beside her. She could smell alcohol, cigarettes and perfume…a scent she’d smelled before. A fist inside her squeezed tighter.

She lifted the glass to her mouth, tipped it and drained the last mouthful of Chardo

“I saw you.”

He looked at her, blinked. His short blonde hair was imperfect, as if he’d tried to neaten it with his fingers. “You saw me?”

“Outside the Jolly Frog.”

He said nothing.

“Who is she, Derek?”

He looked away, his mouth tight. “Nobody.”

“Clearly, she is. You’ve seen her before. I recognize her perfume.”

“She’s another agent. A new one.”

Krissa nodded. This all felt like a dream. Like it was happening in slow motion. “How long have you been having an affair with her?”

“I’m not!”

She looked at him sadly. “Derek. Don’t lie about this. Enough shit has happened. Let’s not lie anymore. To each other. To ourselves.”

“It’s not an affair,” he repeated. “Okay, yeah, I’ve seen her before. But it’s not like we have a relationship.”

“Why?”

At first she wasn’t sure if he understood her question. He leaned back against the cushions, hands clenched at his side. She carefully set the empty glass down on the table in front of her.

“Why now? Or why, ever?”

“Both.”

He took a breath, blew it out. “I saw the look on your face today. When Nate left.”

“Yes.”

“You were…devastated.”

She couldn’t deny it.

She saw his throat work, saw his struggle for words. He ran a hand through his hair. “I knew then…” He stopped. “I knew we were in trouble.”

She let his words sink into her numbed mind. “We’ve been in trouble for a long time.”

He nodded, pain etched on his face. “Yeah,” he whispered.

“I wanted to be mad at you,” she said. She stared across the room. “I am mad at you. But…I slept with another man.”

“With Nate.”

“Yes.” She turned her head sharply. “Not with anyone else.”

“I know.”

“For a while, I thought maybe…it was the same thing. And I shouldn’t be mad at you because you were just doing the same thing I’d done.”

He was silent.

“But it’s not the same thing.”

Derek still said nothing.

“You didn’t really tell me why.”

He nodded. “Tonight—I needed someone. You weren’t there for me.”

She supposed that was true.

“The other time…shit.” He rubbed his eyes. “You know how hard this has been. Trying to get pregnant. All those failures. Every time, I felt like crap. You made me feel like I couldn’t give you what you wanted. Like I was a big loser.”

“I made you feel that way?” She sat up straighter.

“Hell, yeah. Fuck, I couldn’t get my own wife pregnant. I felt like I wasn’t a man. But I could—”

“Get with any other woman you wanted,” she finished bitterly. He didn’t confirm what she’d said. “The last time was the day we found out about your sperm count. You went to her…”

He nodded, closed his eyes.

“Why didn’t you come to me?” Her voice shook.

He covered his face with his hands. “I told you. You made feel like a useless piece of shit.”

Her heart squeezed so hard she thought she might be having a heart attack. She put a hand to her chest and rubbed, tried to breathe.

“It’s hard on a man,” he continued hoarsely. “To be told you’re not really a man.”

“It was hard on me!” She grabbed his hands and yanked them away from his face, wanting him to look at her. “It was hard on both of us! But I didn’t blame you!”

“I felt like you did.”

“Oh my God.” She stared at him. “What did I…” Had she blamed him for their problems? She’d always felt like he’d blamed her. Like she was the problem. She couldn’t get pregnant, and it was her fault they were even putting themselves through that, because she was the one who wanted a baby so badly. When they’d found out it was Derek, she hadn’t blamed him for that…had she?

She put her fingertips to her eyes and pressed. The pounding in her head increased. Her fingers came away wet.

“So you went to other women to make yourself feel like a man again.”

“I wasn’t thinking about it like that. But…I guess that’s it. I’m sorry, Krissa. I truly am. I love you.” His voice splintered.

She shook her head. “I don’t think you do.”

“I do, Krissa, believe me, I do.”

“You wouldn’t do that if you loved me,” she said slowly. “And you wouldn’t have let me sleep with another man if you loved me.”

“That was…Christ. I didn’t realize what a mistake that was going to be. I just thought you two would…”

“Fuck?” she provided helpfully, harshly.

“Well, yeah. I thought it was a way to give you what you want, and I…wanted to…”

“I know. You wanted to watch. It turned you on seeing me with another man, didn’t it?”

His mouth a hard line, eyes shadowed, he gave a short nod.

“Did it ease your guilt? About screwing around on me? Watching me with another man?”

“Oh, hell, Krissa. I don’t…” The words tore from his throat. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

Her lips pursed and her eyes stung. It hurt to swallow.

“I saw the look on your face when Nate left this afternoon,” he said again. “You’ve fallen in love with him, haven’t you?”

“I don’t know.”

They sat there, silence building around them, the house dark and silent, the only sound the rasp of Derek’s breathing.

“How many times have you screwed around?” she asked him. “I know of twice. Was there more?”