Lost and Found

“Maybe there’s something wrong with me, too.”

She huffed out a little laugh. “I guess since you’ve never tried to get someone pregnant before, you wouldn’t know, but it’s not likely.”

He shifted beside her and his body tensed. He said nothing.

“Really, Nate, don’t worry. We’ll just try again next month.”

He again remained silent, staring out at the ocean.

“What?”

“I don’t know how long I’ll stay here,” he said, voice so low she almost couldn’t hear him.

“But…” She wanted to insist he stay, but then remembered he was only there to recuperate from his own illness. She couldn’t make him stay for her own selfish reasons. She fought to breath air into her constricted lungs.

“I can stay another few weeks,” he said, as if knowing her thoughts. “My eyes don’t seem to be getting better, but I can’t mooch off you guys forever. At some point I’ll have to make some decisions…what to do with my life.”

“Oh, Nate.” Her heart squeezed and she turned into him. His other arm came around her and the coffee mug thunked to the sand. She pressed her face against his chest, loving the feel of him, the smell of him. “Your eyes will still get better, I know it.”

But if they did, he would leave.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Nate felt the acute disappointment too. Maybe not as much as Krissa, who’d been wanting this for so long. But he, too, had somehow become invested in this. He, too, had been certain they’d been making a baby. His first experience with this and it confounded him that they could have had sex that many times and not conceive. How many girls got pregnant with one sexual encounter? And then didn’t want the baby. How unfair was that?

He stroked Krissa’s silky hair. His heart ached for her and he found himself wanting to do anything to be able to give her what she wanted. “I’ll stay at least a few more weeks,” he said again. “And we’ll try again.”

“Thank you.”

He did wonder if there could be something wrong with him, except he knew that he may have fathered a child before. Lauren had been pregnant. It could have been his. Or not. He would never know. What if that had been the only chance he’d ever have to be a father? And that unborn child had died along with Lauren in that car crash.

A hot knife sliced through his intestines. Christ! It hadn’t hurt that much when Lauren had died. What was happening to him? He should be over that pain, not feeling it worse now.

“I was thinking about going to that gallery show in L.A.,” he told Krissa. “Greg, the owner of the gallery called yesterday. He really wants me to be there.”

“You should go,” she said, voice muffled in his sweatshirt.

“I told him I’ll think about it.”

He couldn’t imagine going and standing around looking at his work through dark glasses, having to explain to people what had happened to him, feeling their pity for him as they realized he was a washed up photographer with no future. Who was going to buy his prints after that? As far as he was concerned, it was just a big disaster in the making. Greg would be better off without him there.

He watched a sand piper run across the flat, wet sand, its tiny legs moving so fast they were a blur. It followed a wave out, then turned and ran back in when another breaker rolled toward it. Nate lifted his gaze to the water stretching far into the distance, all the way to the sky.

“Hey,” he said. He narrowed his eyes, wished he could take off his glasses. “Look, Krissa. I think it’s dolphins.”

She lifted her head and followed his direction. “It is!” She sat up straighter. “Wow! Look at them. They’re coming this way.”

They sat and watched the pod of dolphins slowly make their way up the coast, exclaiming in awe when one jumped right out of the water.

“Jumping for joy,” she murmured, eyes staring out to sea.

“Dancing,” Nate said. He wished he was closer and had his camera and could take the damn glasses off. Fuck! He yearned to capture their joyous playfulness, their grace and beauty.

“They’re always there,” Krissa said. He dragged his gaze away from the dolphins and looked down at her. “They live in the ocean. They’re always there, we just don’t see them.”

Many things were always there that weren’t always seen. Nate swallowed hard, unable to take his eyes off Krissa and her sweet allure, her magic more powerful than the arcing dolphins. When they’d passed by, Krissa turned to Nate, excitement shining her eyes up. Her eyelids and nose were still pink, but a smile turned up the corners of her pretty mouth. He was glad that had happened just then. They’d both needed that. He leaned over and kissed her mouth. “Come on,” he said. “I’m hungry. I bet you didn’t eat breakfast either.”

“No.” He stood and pulled her to her feet, retrieved her empty mug. “I didn’t feel like eating, but now I could.”

“Have you got meetings today? Work to do?”

As they strolled along the beach toward home they talked about the routine things that make up daily life, the things that seem insignificant but which glue all the big important things and hold it all together.

Derek had been disappointed, too, in the news that Krissa wasn’t pregnant, but he took it with a shrug and a more practical response. “Maybe we should go ahead with the sperm donations,” he said to Nate when Krissa wasn’t around. “I know you aren’t going to be here forever, buddy.”

And Nate, who’d already said and thought the same things himself, felt strangely as though Derek didn’t mind that. Or was he imagining things? This whole situation was so bizarre, he didn’t know what he was thinking or feeling half the time.

Nate had to do something. He’d worked out in the gym, walked on the beach, tried to read. Watching television held no interest for him. When he sat still too long, his mind started thinking about Krissa and the fact that she wasn’t pregnant.

Derek had told him he could use his bicycle any time. Neither of them did triathlons any more, but Derek still liked to cycle for fun. Nate checked the bike out in the garage and saw a smaller ladies’ bike there, too.

He found Krissa in her office, sitting in front of her computer.

“Hey.”

She turned at the sound of his voice, and smiled. “Hey yourself.” A hint of sadness still lingered in her eyes.

“What are you working on?”

“A proposal. For the city of Santa Barbara.”

“When does it need to be done?”

“Next week. The RFP said Wednesday.”

“Good. Come with me, then.”

One dark brow lifted. “Come where?”

“For a bike ride.”

“A bike ride?” She stared at him.

“Yeah. Derek said I could use his any time, and I see you have a bike, too. So let’s go get some fresh air.”

“But…”

“Come on, Krissa. It’ll be good for you. You’ve been moping around for days. And I’m going out of my mind. I need to do something. Come with me.” He smiled hopefully. “Remember that time, your last year in college, when I convinced you to go drink beer and play video games all afternoon?”

“When I should have been studying.”

“Yeah.” He gri

“And Derek showed up at your apartment later looking for me, all pissed off and grouchy?”

“That too. But remember how you said you felt so relaxed and regenerated? You aced your exam after that.”

She sighed, but smiled. “I guess I could take a break for a little while.” She stood up, dressed in her usual shorts and tank top. “Should I change?”

“You’re fine. Just grab a sweater. It’s really windy out today.”

“Okay.” She saved what she’d been working on, standing at the desk, bent over to use the mouse, which nicely displayed her cute little ass. Nate studied it, liking how the short shorts rode up and exposed the under curve of her butt. He admired the symmetry, the peachy texture of her skin. Nice.

She stood and turned and caught him checking out her ass. Their eyes met and she slowly shook her head as she walked toward him. “What were you looking at?” she asked him and he swallowed.