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I ground my jaw for a few seconds as her green eyes held mine. “Because maybe you do know me. You’re just not ready to remember why.”
Her mouth popped open and an audible huff blew past her lips. “What does that even mean?”
“You’ll understand when you think you’re ready, Indy. That’s all you need to know for now.”
Before I could say anything else, and before she could ask more questions, I got into my SUV and drove away.
Indy
I climbed the stairs up to the attic the next afternoon, enjoying and hating this time alone. I wasn’t leaving for break, but I’d been skipping my classes anyway. I wanted to be alone, needed to be alone. But being alone was also a dangerous thing for me—especially when Thanksgiving was two days away.
It didn’t matter that it was the wrong day. It didn’t matter that I’d already broken down on Saturday—the actual two-year a
It just had to be on a holiday. One that was widely celebrated and changed dates every year—almost as if to torture us that much more. Like, hey—you have two a
As I climbed onto the dozens of multisized and colored pillows and blankets that covered the entire floor of our attic, I fought with the knowledge that I needed to be around people. That I should go to a Starbucks at the very least.
Both Chloe and Courtney worked so much that they weren’t going home this break—and I doubted they would go home over winter break. But even though they were still at the house, they weren’t ever here. And with Misha gone, the last couple of days had been practically impossible to get through.
Urges that felt more like repulsive cravings coursed through my body, and my hands impulsively curled into fists as the muscles in my thighs tightened in anticipation for something that wouldn’t come. A soul-deep ache and longing filled my chest, echoed by a much smaller ache to have Dean here, helping me through this. This was the first time I was facing the a
No wonder Dean had cheated and left me. Mess was a nice way of describing my life and me.
I rolled onto my side and curled my knees up to my chest as I tried to hold myself together. I fought with myself to stay here—to not run to someone to make them fix everything. To fix me. Chanting to myself over and over that I just needed to keep breathing through the pain, through the urges, through the grief.
I loved this attic. I loved how quiet and comfortable it was. And now, when all I wanted to do was panic over being alone, I told myself this was what I needed. Quiet. Alone. Peace. No one could fix what had happened. No one could fix me. I needed to do this by myself.
I’d finally been able to stop my damaging form of grief, and hadn’t realized that I’d just replaced it with Dean until we were over. The pride of stopping hadn’t lasted long when I’d started drowning out memories of Dean with drinking.
One form of fucked-up coping to another.
One helping me feel like I could take some of his pain away.
The other making me forget that everyone had given up on me.
But not once in the last two years had I tried to forget him. Not once until this past Saturday . . . and I hated that I’d spit on his memory that way. Two years without him—and instead of drinking to forget about Dean and my parents like I had been doing, I drank to forget my own twin brother.
I was a mess. I was drowning. I felt so fucking lost and was tired of pretending that everything was okay. And for the first time in two years, I was trying to pull myself up without using someone else, and I knew I was failing.
But I wouldn’t go back to where I’d been. I couldn’t. No matter the amount of pain and craving to make it go away, Ian would hate me if he knew what I’d done after his death.
So until I was sure I was okay, I wasn’t leaving this attic. I couldn’t put myself near any temptation. No one was home; no one would hear my anguished cries. The pillows, blankets, and memories of Ian were all I needed right now.
My eyes cracked open sometime later. The room around me was dark except for the glow of the streetlights filtering in through the attic’s window. My bladder was full, my eyes hurt from crying for hours, and my body was sore from the tension of restraining myself from giving in to my cravings. I licked at my dry lips and reached around me for another blanket before pulling it on top of the other two already surrounding me. It was freezing up here.
Just as my eyes started shutting again, I heard a deep voice call my name. I held my breath and didn’t move as I heard muted voices talking back and forth, and then the sound of quick feet climbing. Before I knew what was happening, the door to the attic opened.
“Where’s the li—”
“Don’t turn it on,” I pled.
“Oh!” Courtney gasped. “God, you scared me! I was coming up to see if you were in here, but still.”
“I’m here.” Obviously. That was stupid, Indy.
“I have to go back to work, but that quiet guy from next door is here looking for you,” she said in a singsong voice.
My heart pounded as I thought about my embarrassing conversation with Kier yesterday. “Did he say why?”
“No,” she said, drawing out the word.
“Uh, can you tell him I’m not here?”
“I guess. If you really want me to.”
“I really want you to.”
She sighed and didn’t say anything for a few seconds. “Okay. Well, I’ll be back late. Text me if you need anything.”
“Bye,” I mumbled into the pillow.
I tried going back to sleep after she left and I heard the front door shut, but I couldn’t. I had to pee, and now that I’d been awake for more than a few minutes, my stomach was letting me know how neglected it felt. With a groan, I pushed myself awkwardly off the pillows, letting the blankets fall off me, and stumbled my way over to the door and down the stairs. After using the bathroom, I had begun walking toward the main stairs leading to the first floor when something caught my eye, and I paused.
Turning to look on my left, I noticed a light coming through my cracked-open door and raised an eyebrow. I had a bad habit of leaving my door wide-open, and I hated having lights on.
Trying to remain as quiet as possible in the old house, I tiptoed toward my room and held my breath as I reached my door, trying to listen for signs of anyone in there. When I didn’t hear any, I pushed the door open, ready to scream, or run, or turn full-on ninja.
My shoulders sagged and all the air left my chest in a depressed huff when I found nothing in my room out of place. It was super anticlimactic.
I walked out of my room and turned toward the stairs, and a scream tore through my chest as I stumbled back before tripping over myself and falling hard on my butt.
“Are you okay?”
“Why are you here?” I yelled, my breathing ragged as I stared at Kier’s worried face, his arm outstretched like he’d been about to catch me.
“I was waiting for you.” He leaned closer to help me up.
“So you wait for people by popping up out of nowhere and scaring the shit out of them?”
“Didn’t mean to scare you. I was just coming back upstairs.”
I sighed heavily and pressed a hand to my chest. “Christ, you about gave me a heart attack. Have you been in my bedroom?”