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“Nice to see you too, Mr. Muni
He smiles. He’s already tired of being called Lucifer and all the thousand toadying variations you get with the penthouse. I know how he feels.
“You’ve brought a friend,” he says.
Muni
“Mr. Muni
“Very nice to meet you. I see you’re like our friend James here, with his penchant for a single name.”
“Yeah,” she says. “For the longest time all I knew was Stark. It must have taken him six months to tell me the James part.”
“Well, I still don’t know your last name,” I say.
She shrugs.
“As far as I know, I don’t have one. When I have to use one I usually just go with Jade.”
“Candy Jade. It sounds like one of your cartoon characters.”
“Sandman Slim sounds like grout cleaner.”
Muni
“Welcome to my humble home, Candy.”
She shakes, but her arm tightens around mine. She’s scared, like she’s afraid she’ll burst into flames if she touches him. But she’s brave and does it anyway. No flames. No explosions. Not even smoke.
“Was it smart to bring someone more i
“I introduced her to Samael and she survived. She knows about me, so she was twisting my arm to meet the new Lucifer.”
Muni
“I’m afraid not.”
Muni
The place isn’t anything like the penthouse when I lived here. I never bothered fixing it up. I left all of the anonymously expensive hotel furniture right where it was. Now the place looks like a museum. Back in L.A., Muni
Candy and I sit on a solid-gold love seat with tentacles for armrests and shaggy horsehide cushions. From the look of the thing it’s probably nestled the rear end of at least a couple of emperors. Muni
“That’s not quite the look I was expecting for the new Devil,” I say.
Muni
“I have a throne around here somewhere. A piece that’s even grander than the seat you’re on now. I wish I could greet all my guests in this chair. The throne plays hell with my back, no pun intended.”
“Sorry again about sticking you down here, but I had stuff I needed to get back to in the world.”
Out of the corner of my eye I catch Candy’s lips flicker into a brief smile.
“I understand. I should never have let Samael play his little trick and force you into taking his place. I created Hell, which makes me responsible for its well-being.”
Candy looks puzzled, and then lets it go.
I say, “So how’s it going down here?”
Muni
“Better than it was,” he says.
“Better than when I ran it.”
“Oh my, yes. I’m rebuilding much faster than you were and it seems to have raised everyone’s spirits.”
“You know I had to drag my feet, right? I had to keep these Hellion bastards ru
“I understand completely. But it didn’t help the psyches of those who had to live here.”
“That’s why I wanted you to take over. I knew you could make things right and hold off the wolves too.”
Muni
“And what do you think, young lady? Did James’s hundred days as Lucifer improve his disposition?”
“Sure. He’s a pussycat now. Of course, I kicked his ass when he got home, so maybe it was that. Why don’t you ask him?”
“Why don’t you not?” I say. “Have you heard anything about Aelita or the 8 Ball?”
He shifts in his chair, trying to ease his back.
“Aelita still has confederates in Hell and she tried to use them to hide the Qomrama here. General Semyazah and I persuaded her that that was a bad idea.”
“I wonder if she took it to Heaven?”
“I doubt it. Aelita has as many enemies as allies there. Heaven isn’t a safe place for her.”
“If she can’t hide the 8 Ball in Heaven or Hell . . .”
“Then it’s still on earth,” says Candy.
“That’s a relief. I got stuck with the fake Qomrama earlier today and was starting to think I’d wasted the last month chasing my tail.”
“No. You are right to keep looking there,” says Muni
“How do you know she didn’t hide it in Antarctica or the bottom of the ocean?” says Candy.
Muni
Candy shakes her head.
“Why doesn’t God just kill the bitch?” she says.
Muni
“Candy, remember how Mr. Muni
“Yes.”
“Lucifer didn’t make Hell. God did.”
“Yeah. I thought that sounded fu
“It makes more sense when you know that before he was Lucifer, Mr. Muni
Candy looks at me to see if I’m joking. Then she looks at Muni
“I’m afraid he’s telling the truth,” Muni
“Why not?”
I say, “He’s not as strong as he used to be. See, God isn’t exactly God anymore. He had sort of a nervous breakdown. Instead of one big God, there’s five little ones.”
“Four,” says Muni
“Word is your brother Ruach is tearing it up in Heaven.”
Muni
“Yes. You see, Ruach is the oldest brother. The oldest fragment. He covets the power the rest of us have. He’s a little mad, I think.”
“Was he always that way?”
“He was always a bit fragile. Then my brother Nefesh did what he did.”
“What does he do?” says Candy.
“Our quarrels became more and more violent. Finally Ruach flew into a rage. He demanded that the rest of us relinquish our powers or he would kill us all. When we wouldn’t he attacked us. Nefesh was the one who finally stopped him, in much the way I cast the first Lucifer out of Heaven.”
“With a thunderbolt.”
“Yes. It left Ruach blind and partially deaf. His anger and fear of us grew to the point where the rest of us knew we couldn’t stay.”
Candy says, “So there’s a God in Heaven, only he’s just a little piece. And there’s other pieces of God ru
“In a nutshell,” says Mr. Muni
Candy pats my arm in mock sympathy.
“Now I understand why you are the way you are. The universe is a lot more fucked up than I ever imagined.”
“Can your brothers help?” I say. “Where are they?”
Muni
“Here. There. Anywhere. I haven’t talked to them in a long time.”
“Okay. So, anything new with Merihim and Deumos? Are they at war yet?”
Merihim is a big wheel in the old official Hellion church. Hell’s Vatican. Strictly an old-boys club. No girls allowed. Deumos and her sister Hellions had a little problem with that. They started their own church, worshipping a kind of goddess that’s supposed to be the new post-God deity. A fairy godmother to kiss all the scraped knees and make everything all right again. One of the last things I did when I was Lucifer was give the women their own church. After I left, Merihim and his crew burned it down. What are little boys made of? Snips and snails and rotten little assholes that don’t want to share their toys.