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I spoke to Jimmie about all of this but she wasn’t quite getting the passion I felt; she and Marley were turning into more like best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend, there was something going on with her but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what, she never spoke about other boys and she was at our house as much as she always was but things just weren’t happening between her and Marls and it didn’t seem to bother her when he spoke about other girls, or when he kissed other girls like I had seen him do when the band came off stage. My Dad had fixed them up with a transit van so they could get from gig to gig with all their equipment; despite working at one of my Dad’s car showrooms in the day, Le
It was Christmas eve of 1982 when I finally worked out what was going on with Jimmie; the band were booked at a local pub, it was a ticket only event and was a complete sell out, we arrived early as the place would be filling up by seven and the boys wanted to have a sound check as they’d never played at this venue before and this was probably going to be their biggest crowd yet, over two hundred tickets had been sold according to Len, and the boys wanted to impress. Not that they wouldn’t, they were great and getting better with every show, growing in confidence so much that almost fifty per cent of their songs were originals, written by Marley and Sean mostly, they still did covers, The Clash, The Jam, The Undertones, The Specials being among their favourites as well as some old classics by The Who, Beatles and Kinks, whatever they played, they sounded great and I loved watching Sean up on the stage, especially when his eyes would lock with mine and everyone else would just melt away, me and him, that’s all there was, that’s all that mattered.
The boys were having a run through of their set when I realised I was cold, the hall at the back of the pub was big and the heating hadn’t been put on yet so I went to go back outside to get my jacket, as I walked down the hallway toward the emergency exit at the back of the building where the van was parked, I saw them, Le
“Porge, where you off to?”
“Don’t call me that. I want my jacket out of the van. Is it open?”
He threw me the keys as he and Jimmie walked back inside, she didn’t look me in the eye as she passed and it hurt a little that my best friend had kept this secret from me. She knew everything about me, every look, every thought, every feeling, why wouldn’t she share this with me? He’s my brother. Did she not think I would be interested?
I grab my coat, head back inside and look around for Len, he appears through the swing doors leading from the front of the pub, carrying a tray full of drinks; he put them down on the table next to me and shouted for the boys to come down from the stage. Jim appeared at my side, then Sean, Le
“Here’s to Carnage! A great gig, a very merry Christmas and great things for the coming year – 1983 boys, it’s go
There were kisses and hugs all round; Jimmie felt stiff and informal when she pulled me into her and I felt awkward. Sean wrapped his arms around me and kissed me like he was never going to let me go.
“Merry Christmas G. Stay close to Le
He kisses my nose and looks over my face. “You okay?”
Tears sting the backs of my eyes for some reason and I feel angry with myself for getting upset so I just nod my head.
“What’s wrong? You look upset.” I shake my head and smile up at him.
“I’m just so proud of you; you sound so great up there, especially the new stuff. 1983 really could be your year you know? Will you still love me when you’re famous and your pictures are all over ‘The Face’ and ‘Smash Hits’?”
He pulls me into him tightly.
“I’ll love you forever G, wherever I am in the world, whatever I’m doing, it will always be you, I’m yours, for as long as you want me, for as long as I’m good for you, I’m all yours.”
“What does that mean? For as long as you’re good for me? What does that mean?”
There’s a hysterical edge to my voice and I hate it. Why would he say that? He looks around the room before looking back down at me.
“I just worry sometimes, I think your Mum and Dad and even your brothers would prefer it if you was with someone who wanted a proper job, who had something more solid pla
A tear rolls down my cheek, I never knew he felt like this, of course he’s enough, he’s everything.
“I love you Sean, no matter what, I love you, I don’t care about anything or anyone else and you will always be enough, always.”
The boys are all back up on stage and the place has filled up around us while we’ve been talking.
Marley calls out, “Maca put my sister down and get up here!”
He winks down at me and as has become his normal greeting or goodbye, whispers into my ear, “Show us your tits?”
One of these days, I would totally shock him and give him a flash. One of these days very soon.
He leaves with a grin and a kiss to the top of my head. They go down a storm that night, the place is packed and the tunes are tight, Le