Страница 44 из 68
Q: Turn into her how?
M.S.: She was destroyed because my father left her. And because she was destroyed, she was a terrible mother.
Q: Do you think you’re destroyed? That you’ll end up a terrible mother?
M.S.: End up? It’s already happened. I’ve been a terrible mother for months. I have to get over this. I have to get better. Or, yes, I’ll end up just like my mother. I can live with almost anything but that. So how am I going to get over it?
Q: I think we need to address your guilt.
M.S.: The baby was inside me. Of course I feel guilty.
Q: What was happening in the days before you found out the baby’s heart had stopped?
M.S.: The days before? I don’t know. I don’t remember much. What difference does it make?
Q: The fact that you can’t remember suggests to me that it might matter very much.
M.S.: The usual things. I was finishing a draft of a piece of proposed legislation before maternity leave. And we were trying to potty-train Ella, and she kept peeing on the carpet, which sounds fu
Q: And what about Justin? Was he busy, too?
M.S.: So busy. He’d taken over a class for a colleague, and he was presenting two different papers at two different conferences in the three weeks before the baby was due. We were both really busy. That’s life, right? Everybody’s busy.
Q: I’ve never heard you be frustrated by that.
M.S.: That Justin was busy? After how much he’s given up to take care of us since? How could I possibly be irritated by that? Besides, I was the one carrying the baby.
Q: And so he bears no responsibility?
M.S.: He has responsibilities, yes. He helped with Ella afterward. And before, too. But he was working all hours. That wasn’t his fault. He had a job to do.
Q: You seem very frustrated now, though.
M.S.: I am frustrated. With you. Listen, our problem wasn’t who folded more laundry or unloaded the dishwasher or who last took out the garbage. Our baby is dead, that’s our problem.
JENNA
MAY 28, 1994
It finally happened!!! The Captain and I had sex! I’d call it making love, if that wasn’t so gross. But that’s what it felt like: love. Everything about it was so perfect. His parents were away, so we had the house to ourselves and I lied and told my parents that I was staying at Tiff’s house.
And it worked like a charm. For once, they didn’t even call Tiff’s mom to check. Otherwise, they would have found out that her family was away at a wedding in Philadelphia.
The Captain actually COOKED di
And it was amazing. Didn’t hurt at all like Tiffany said it would. The Captain was so sweet and gentle. And he didn’t even know it was my first time. (I didn’t want him to be freaked out, and anyway it’s not like it’s that big of a deal. I’ve done A LOT of other stuff with A LOT of other guys.) He didn’t tell me he loved me afterward—I wouldn’t have wanted him to.
It was so much better when he just held me like he did.
Sandy
At least there weren’t any cars in the driveway when Sandy got to Ha
Sandy never would have gone to Ha
He’d been nice enough to Sandy, had said he would look for Je
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Ha
“But you really don’t have to worry,” Sandy said. Even though she already knew there was no point. Nothing she said was going to get them out of this wack-ass country they’d gotten lost in. “I’m all right, I promise.”
“Do you want a drink or anything?” Ha
Barely in the door and there Ha
“I’m all good,” Sandy said. “Like I said a bunch of times. Totally fine.”
The truth was she felt like crap. She hadn’t slept in two days, and she didn’t think she’d ever be hungry again.
“Sorry to drag you over here,” Ha
“Listen, can we go upstairs? Just in case your parents come home, I don’t want to be sitting here, right near the front door.”
Really it was that Sandy could hear the TV in the other room, where Ha
“Sure, come on,” Ha
It wasn’t the first time Sandy had felt like a little girl around Ha
“You’ve never had a boyfriend, ever?” Sandy had asked during one of their last tutoring sessions. She’d been telling Ha
It wasn’t like she and Ha
“What do you mean, you don’t believe me?” Ha
“Fine, whatever, but for the record, I don’t believe you.” Sandy had waved a pencil in Ha