We Were Liars

I had kissed an unimportant boy or three by now.

I had lost my dad.

I had come here to this island from a house of tears and falsehood

and I saw Gat,

and I saw that rose in his hand,

and in that one moment, with the sunlight from the window shining in on him,

the apples on the kitchen counter,

the smell of wood and ocean in the air,

I did call it love.

It was love, and it hit me so hard I leaned against the screen door that still stood between us, just to stay vertical. I wanted to touch him like he was a bu

As I stood there, staring, he put the rose in an envelope. He searched for a pen, banging drawers open and shut, found one in his own pocket, and wrote.

I didn’t realize he was writing an address until he pulled a roll of stamps from a kitchen drawer.

Gat stamped the envelope. Wrote a return address.

It wasn’t for me.

I left the Red Gate door before he saw me and ran down to the perimeter. I watched the darkening sky, alone.

I tore all the roses off a single sad bush and threw them, one after the other, into the angry sea.

7

JOHNNY TOLD ME about the New York girlfriend that evening. Her name was Raquel. Joh

Mirren’s brother, Taft, told me Raquel had sent Gat a package of homemade brownies. Liberty and Bo

Gat didn’t mention her at all, but he had trouble meeting my eyes.

That first night, I cried and bit my fingers and drank wine I snuck from the Clairmont pantry. I spun violently into the sky, raging and banging stars from their moorings, swirling and vomiting.

I hit my fist into the wall of the shower. I washed off the shame and anger in cold, cold water. Then I shivered in my bed like the abandoned dog that I was, my skin shaking over my bones.

The next morning, and every day thereafter, I acted normal. I tilted my square chin high.

We sailed and made bonfires. I won the te

We made vats of ice cream and lay in the sun.

One night, the four of us ate a picnic down on the tiny beach. Steamed clams, potatoes, and sweet corn. The staff made it. I didn’t know their names.

Joh

That night, on the left: Being and. On the right: Nothingness.

I had writing on my hands, too. A quotation I liked. On the left: Live in. On the right: today.

“Want to know what I’m thinking about?” Gat asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“No,” said Joh

“I’m wondering how we can say your granddad owns this island. Not legally but actually.”

“Please don’t get started on the evils of the Pilgrims,” moaned Joh

“No. I’m asking, how can we say land belongs to anyone?” Gat waved at the sand, the ocean, the sky.

Mirren shrugged. “People buy and sell land all the time.”

“Can’t we talk about sex or murder?” asked Joh

Gat ignored him. “Maybe land shouldn’t belong to people at all. Or maybe there should be limits on what they can own.” He leaned forward. “When I went to India this winter, on that volunteer trip, we were building toilets. Building them because people there, in this one village, didn’t have them.”

“We all know you went to India,” said Joh

Here is something I love about Gat: he is so enthusiastic, so relentlessly interested in the world, that he has trouble imagining the possibility that other people will be bored by what he’s saying. Even when they tell him outright. But also, he doesn’t like to let us off easy. He wants to make us think—even when we don’t feel like thinking.

He poked a stick into the embers. “I’m saying we should talk about it. Not everyone has private islands. Some people work on them. Some work in factories. Some don’t have work. Some don’t have food.”

“Stop talking, now,” said Mirren.

“Stop talking, forever,” said Joh

“We have a warped view of humanity on Beechwood,” Gat said. “I don’t think you see that.”

“Shut up,” I said. “I’ll give you more chocolate if you shut up.”

And Gat did shut up, but his face contorted. He stood abruptly, picked up a rock from the sand, and threw it with all his force. He pulled off his sweatshirt and kicked off his shoes. Then he walked into the sea in his jeans.

Angry.

I watched the muscles of his shoulders in the moonlight, the spray kicking up as he splashed in. He dove and I thought: If I don’t follow him now, that girl Raquel’s got him. If I don’t follow him now, he’ll go away. From the Liars, from the island, from our family, from me.

I threw off my sweater and followed Gat into the sea in my dress. I crashed into the water, swimming out to where he lay on his back. His wet hair was slicked off his face, showing the thin scar through one eyebrow.

I reached for his arm. “Gat.”

He startled. Stood in the waist-high sea.

“Sorry,” I whispered.

“I don’t tell you to shut up, Cady,” he said. “I don’t ever say that to you.”

“I know.”

He was silent.

“Please don’t shut up,” I said.

I felt his eyes go over my body in my wet dress. “I talk too much,” he said. “I politicize everything.”

“I like it when you talk,” I said, because it was true. When I stopped to listen, I did like it.

“It’s that everything makes me …” He paused. “Things are messed up in the world, that’s all.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe I should”—Gat took my hands, turned them over to look at the words written on the backs—“I should live for today and not be agitating all the time.”

My hand was in his wet hand.

I shivered. His arms were bare and wet. We used to hold hands all the time, but he hadn’t touched me all summer.

“It’s good that you look at the world the way you do,” I told him.

Gat let go of me and leaned back into the water. “Joh

I looked at his profile. He wasn’t just Gat. He was contemplation and enthusiasm. Ambition and strong coffee. All that was there, in the lids of his brown eyes, his smooth skin, his lower lip pushed out. There was coiled energy inside.

“I’ll tell you a secret,” I whispered.

“What?”

I reached out and touched his arm again. He didn’t pull away. “When we say Shut up, Gat, that isn’t what we mean at all.”

“No?”

“What we mean is, we love you. You remind us that we’re selfish bastards. You’re not one of us, that way.”

He dropped his eyes. Smiled. “Is that what you mean, Cady?”

“Yes,” I told him. I let my fingers trail down his floating, outstretched arm.

“I can’t believe you are in that water!” Joh

“It’s nice once you get in,” Gat called back.

“Seriously?”

“Don’t be weak!” yelled Gat. “Be manly and get in the stupid water.”

Joh

And it was—exquisite.