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“If I say it,” he whispers, “will you run away from me?”
I know what he’s asking. I know what he’s thinking about saying because it’s exactly the same thing I’m thinking right now. It’s the same thing that’s scaring the crap out of me and making me an emotional mess that could fall apart at any second. It’s a dangerous thing to think or feel, but it’s even more toxic to say. It’s a truth that I can’t handle—not yet, maybe never. It’s one more thing that will change the way I look at the world and live my life and it could be the last thing—the big final thing—that gets me killed. Or worse: it could kill him.
“Yes.”
He sighs, his hands moving slowly up and down my back. “Joss, I—”
“I said I’ll run,” I interrupt, my voice firm as my fingers clench his shirt in tight fistfuls of anxiety. “I will go full Olympic sprinter on you. Road Ru
He chuckles. “Okay, okay. I wasn’t going to say it. Calm down.”
“I can’t, Ryan. You can’t say it. Please don’t say it.”
“I don’t need to say it because you obviously know it.”
I press my forehead against his shoulder, hiding my face in the crook of his neck.
“And I know it too,” he breathes, his voice deep in my ear.
In my blood.
“We’ll side with the psychos,” he whispers against my skin, “we’ll free your friends, we’ll take down the stadiums, we’ll destroy the Colony in the south, we’ll dethrone the guy pulling all the strings, and then…”
“Then what?”
I feel his hand ru
“No.”
He chuckles softly. “What else is there, Joss?”
I lift my head, look in his eyes. Then I kiss him. I kiss him like I’m losing him, because I feel like I am—and even though that’s crazy, even though we’re closer right now than we’ve ever been, I still feel it. I have a sick, sinking feeling that he’s a punishment. He’s a promise dangled in front of me only to be ripped away; I just don’t know when yet. I’ve never wanted anything the way I want him. I’ve never needed anything this way. He’s my weakness, my soft spot, and I love him and I want him but I fear him and I hate him. I should run. I should get away before I’ve fallen too far and it’s too late to turn back, but I think I passed the point of no return a long time ago.
Win or lose, live or die, I’m with him all the way.
Chapter Six
Twelve hours later, as the sun is disappearing behind the ragged Seattle skyline, I find myself once again going down the rabbit hole. We aren’t sure exactly how we’re going to meet up with the ca
I assume that we’re going to be led back to the main chamber where the ca
North.
“So this is really happening, isn’t it?” I mutter.
“Looks like it,” Ryan replies. He looks at me sideways as we slosh through the two inches of standing water in this tu
“As I’ll ever be, I guess.”
“Are you worried?”
“About what?”
“About going back.”
How does he do that? How the hell does he know I’m nervously chewing the inside of my cheek raw at the thought of going inside the MOHAI again?
“Maybe,” I admit reluctantly.
“I don’t blame you.”
“Are you worried?”
“Yep.”
“About what?”
“Getting this close to a Colony. You spend all your time avoiding them, it feels pretty stupid walking right into one.”
I can’t stop the chuckle that escapes my lips and echoes through the tu
“What’s fu
“I think I’m relieved.”
“Relieved you’re not the only one who thinks this is stupid?”
“Bingo.”
“For what it’s worth,” Trent chimes in behind me, “I think it’s stupid too.”
“That’s pretty comforting actually,” Ryan says.
I shake my head. “So if we all think it’s so stupid, why are we doing it?”
“Because,” Elijah’s voice breaks out from ahead of us in the darkness, “something so idiotic could never be predicted.”
“Are we crawling in through the toilets?”
Elijah comes fully into view, the light from a torch lit behind him giving a grim line to his face. He’s smiling. “Like little baby crocodiles,” he says happily.
“We can’t go in through the basement,” another guy says, all business and stern stares. Oddly enough, I kind of like him. “There’s no clean way to get in quietly. The walls are too thick—we’d have to blast and there goes our cover. But we lucked out. There’s a drain. One nearly the size of a manhole. We’ll remove it, climb up and in. It’s that easy.”
“What kind of drain is that room in?” I ask, feeling sweat break out on my neck under my hair.
“A large shower room.”
“Ugh,” I gag, feeling surprisingly sick.
Flashes of the first day at the Colony flip through my mind: the creepy thorough cleansing I got, the rough scrub of exfoliates, the smell of the harsh soaps, the lice shampoos, the bitter smell of bleach on the floors and the walls.
Caroline.
I feel Ryan’s hand on my elbow. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I reply, pulling it together. “It’s not my favorite room is all.”
His grip tightens gently before he releases me.
“You’ll go in with my people,” Elijah tells us, gesturing to the sixteen men and women he’s brought with him. It’s not the twenty he promised, but if you throw our three into the mix it’s close enough. “You’ll hold back, wait in the shower room. They’ll do a sweep. They’ll take control of the building. When it’s done, when it’s safe, they’ll bring you out in the open.”
“Why aren’t we going up with them?” I ask irritably. “Shouldn’t I be front and center in the fight where the Colonists can see me? I thought that was the whole point.”
“You’re too valuable to risk. Containment first. You’re there for negotiations, not fighting.”
“Ugh,” I groan again.
Elijah sighs with a
“No,” I lie.
“Will you wear that sour expression when they see you or do you think you can manage to look at least a little bit more pleasant?”
“If I did, they wouldn’t recognize me.”
Some of the ca
“Ryan will do the talking,” I assure Elijah. “I’ll be quiet.”
“Silent would be better,” someone mutters in the darkness.
“It’ll be fine,” Ryan promises them.
We head off down the tu
“Where have you been?”
I scowl to my left. One of the ca