Everybody Has Everything

James pushed through the wall of people.

“He was in Mario’s van, can you believe it? He fell asleep in there,” called Sandra to his back.

“Oh my God, I left it open. Jesus Christ …” said Chuckles somewhere in the din of voices. But James couldn’t answer. He looked at Ana, and he could not identify the expression on her face.

“Fi

“Don’t ever do that again,” whispered James. “You scared us so much. You scared us to death.”

“Okay,” said Fi

When James lifted his head from the boy, Ana had already moved across the room and stood talking to the police officer.

The crowd began to thin. The young couple from next door waved as they left.

“I can’t thank you—” said James, and Sandra shushed him, taking her husband’s hand. Their son, the boy in the Spider-Man costume, grabbed the final handful of candy from the blue glass bowl.

The bath was hot with lavender sweetness. James used Ana’s special bubble bath. He rubbed the washcloth over Fi

Ana sat on the toilet behind them, holding a white towel. James glanced at her and thought, Ah, there’s the broken body. Her thi

He returned to Fi

Fi

“Ah, like this?” said James, driving the yogurt container along the side of the tub. “Vroom, vroom.”

“Noooo!” Fi

“Oh, I see,” said James. “This is a boat. Delicious!” He pretended to eat the yogurt container. Fi

“Fi

The phone rang. Ana handed the towel to James and left the bathroom.

James finished the routine: the small toothbrush, the Pull-Up, the fla

He sat on the bed and read to Fi

“You can’t go anywhere without me, or without Ana,” said James. “Do you know that now? I was so worried.”

Fi

“Okay,” he said.

“What were you doing anyway? Why did you leave?”

A look moved across Fi

James’s throat constricted. He put his hands on the boy’s face. He kissed one eyelid, then the other. “Yeah? You thought she was outside?” he asked. Fi

“I go home now?” he asked.

James took his hands from Fi

“I don’t know, Fi

Fi

“We would love to have you. We would be—honored to have you live with us,” said James. His voice dropped to a whisper. “We could have this extraordinary life. We can do anything. I think it’s possible.” He stroked his arm.

“I go home,” said Fi

James pulled the boy from the mattress, engulfed him. He assumed Fi

With his head on the pillow, Fi

Ana was sitting in the kitchen nook, surrounded by dark windows. Her hands were clasped in front of her on the empty table.

James filled a glass with red wine.

“Want one?”

Ana shook her head.

He stood at a distance, leaning against the island in the middle of the room.

“Who called?”

“A

James stared at her. “Did she say anything? Does she think it’s unsafe here for Fi

“I don’t know. She said it was procedure.”

“Procedure.” James paused, sipped his wine. “Fucking bureaucrats.”

Ana could not look at him. She could feel him standing there with Fi

“I don’t know if I can do this,” said Ana. She felt strange as she spoke, dry.

James put down his wine.

“What do you mean?”

Ana looked out the window.

“I don’t want to be a mother,” she said blandly. James breathed. He saw her suddenly as something barely held together, like a stack of sticks that happened to be piled up on the chair. She was a liar. There was a lie in their house. Anger welled up in him.

“Why did we spend two years with your legs in the goddamned stirrups then, huh? Why did we spend thirty thousand dollars? What the fuck are you talking about?”

“We didn’t spend it. I spent it. It was my money,” said Ana. “You wanted me that way.”

James stared at her. “You don’t get to say that.”

“I don’t? What do I get to say, then?” Ana turned from the window and locked James’s eyes. “How about: Who are you sleeping with? Or who did you fuck? Was it in the bathroom at the club, like last time? Was it that classy? Or is it something real? Is it love, James? Are you in love with Ruth the Temp?” The word “love” was twisted and wretched.

Then she turned back to the window.

“Never mind, actually.” Ana continued, in the same blank voice: “I’m not sure what I’m looking at. I recognize this house. I think I do.”

“Ana …” said James. “Ana, it was nothing. And it wasn’t Ruth. This girl—this woman I used to work with—not even sex, I swear—”

She waved her hand. “I don’t want to know,” she said.

James stammered, “What do you want me to say?”

“You never asked me what I wanted. We just kept moving somehow. We were grabbing at things as we moved along, and it seemed like the right moment, so we grabbed at a baby. But what if I never wanted that?”

“Don’t conflate this. You’re angry—”

“Yes, I’m angry,” said Ana. A blackness rustled in the yard.

“You did want a baby, you did. We both wanted it—”

“No,” said Ana. “I was relieved. I was so relieved. I went up to Lake Superior and I stayed in that hotel—”

“When you lost the baby—”

“But it didn’t feel like a loss. It felt like a reprieve.”

James shook his head. “Don’t say it—”

Ana continued: “And a woman—if you’re a woman—you can’t say that out loud. Did you know that? You ca

“Don’t cry, Ana, please,” said James. He leaned across the table toward her, reaching for her hands. She kept them at her sides, hidden.

“Being with you was good for me because it was like being alone. You—you were your own planet. I could just watch you from down here. But now—you’re something different. You’re so small now,” said Ana.

James bent his head. He knew this was true; something had broken off from him, some potency that they had both pretended was not required. But what it had been replaced with was better, he thought, what it was replaced with was Fi