The Variables

When she went to her mother and rested her head against the softness of her arm, Maxine brushed Lucy’s hair calmly with her fingers and kissed her temple. “Baby girl,” Maxine said. “You can’t do this to yourself. You must decide and then never look back...no matter what you choose.”

Lucy began to cry.

“Stop,” Maxine said as Lucy wiped away her tears. “Stop crying, now. Make up your mind, Lucy Larkspur. Make up your mind and decide and know that whatever you choose, I will love you through it.”

Harper tugged on Lucy’s shirt. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Why are you crying?” Lucy leaned down and picked up her sister and held her tightly to her chest.

“I’m okay,” she answered. “I’m okay.”

Ethan stood by the door, Grant by his side.

“Alright, my little buddies. I need big hugs,” Ethan called down to them. The kids ran up and wrapped their arms around Ethan. He embraced them in a hug and didn’t let go until Harper wiggled free.

“Where are you going?” Harper asked and Ethan kissed her cheek.

“I’m going to live in a different part of the Island, kiddo,” Ethan replied. “It’s okay.”

“We want to come,” Monroe said.

Ethan smiled. “You need to stay here. You’ve got a playroom downstairs.”

“But we want to come with you!” Malcolm added, crossing his arms over his chest. “Can we at have sleepovers at your new place?”

Nodding, Ethan leaned down and kissed their heads, too.

“He’s lying,” Galen said from the couch. Lucy walked over and sat beside him. She tried to put her hand around his shoulder, but he stood up and walked away, leaving her alone. “Why can’t you tell the truth? Why can’t you just say that you’re leaving us because you don’t love us anymore? Why can’t you say that you’re leaving the Islands forever and you’ll never come back? I’m sick of everyone lying to me. Tell me the truth!”

Maxine spun. “Galen,” she said. “That’s enough.”

“And you’re just letting him go?” Galen turned his bitterness to her. “Dad would never let him go.”

“Galen...” Maxine said again. She narrowed her eyes. “Enough.”

“You didn’t ask if I wanted to go, too,” he continued. “Why didn’t anyone ask if I wanted to go?”

“I need you here,” his mother said and she walked over to him.

“He’s going to die,” Galen said and he burst into tears, burying his face into his mother’s chest. “He’s going to die out there and you’re letting him die.”

“Stop, sweetheart. Stop,” Maxine said and she pulled Galen outward and held him at arm’s length. Then she bent down so she could see him eye-to-eye. “You are my rock. You are my Galen-bug. You are my constant love and my hope. Don’t you lose it on me, okay?”

“But, Mom—”

Maxine kissed him and patted him on the back and then walked toward Lucy. Her hands outstretched. “Lucy?” she asked.

Lucy looked at her mother and her siblings; Harper’s pouting, Galen’s crying. Maxine was keeping it together—her hard exterior was tough to crack, but Lucy knew that soon she would fall apart, too. She thought of all the reasons to leave, and she looked at Grant. Her heart was bursting for him; she ached for him. He smiled at her and motioned for her to come over to him, and she did.

“Let me talk to you in the hall,” he whispered.

“Two minutes,” Ethan said and he dropped his bags and walked over to Galen.

Grant and Lucy left the sniveling and the crying into the silence of the hallway. Grant took Lucy’s hands in his own and he kissed her.

“You were the one who wanted to leave,” Grant said, laughing. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “This whole time...it was you...and always you.”

“And you wanted to stay,” Lucy replied. She leaned forward so she didn’t have to look into his eyes. She could hear his heart beating.

“Sure. I wanted to stay because as long as you were here, I didn’t have a reason to go. But I’m going to my dad,” Grant replied. “I spent a long time ru

“My mom already said that.”

“It’s good advice. Be sure, Lucy.”

“How can I be sure in two minutes?”

“It’s probably one minute now,” he replied, beaming. He leaned down to her ear and whispered, “You’re beautiful…even when you made that stupid scowl. And I love you.”

“Did you see them in there? You talk about going to your dad and not leaving him without you. But if I leave with you, then that’s what I’m doing to my own family. Asking them to say goodbye to Ethan and me? Forever.” Her voice was raw and hoarse from all the crying. “And that’s how I should leave them? Crying and alone and in pain? I can’t hurt them like that...I can’t leave my sister and my brothers and not know if they’re safe...I fought to get here. What am I supposed to do? If I stay, I...” she stopped.

“So, then, you have made up your mind,” he said evenly.

“No,” Lucy shook her head. She wiped her eyes. “My heart is breaking. I can’t let you leave without me…”

Grant stopped her by putting a finger to her lips. Then he slipped a piece of paper into her hand.

“Some decisions aren’t made alone,” he said. “We each have to do what is right. And that may not be the same choice.”

She held the paper tightly, afraid to unfold it and read the words.

The door opened and Ethan stepped out. He had been crying, too. His eyes were red and puffy, and his nose dripped.

“Let’s go,” he said to Grant, and he took off down the hall. Then he turned to Lucy, “Are you coming?”

With her hands shaking, she opened the note and read the sentences Grant had written down for her. Then she read them again. And again. And with tears streaming down her face, she launched herself into his arms and soaked up the feeling of him against her, his kisses on her head. She wanted to memorize what it felt like to be loved so fully, so sacrificially. She wanted to remember what it felt like to love without fear.

She lifted her head to Ethan and with a sob, said, “No. I’m not.” Then she buried her head in her hands and her shoulders shook.

Ethan walked straight over to her and wrapped his arms around her small shoulders. He held her while she cried; all his hurriedness melted away as he took this final moment with her. Last time, she had said goodbye to him; she had left him. Now he was leaving her. Lucy let herself be comforted by her older brother. She soaked up his embrace.

“You have to take good care of them,” Ethan whispered into her hair. “You have to be the wise one…the strong one.” She nodded. “Help them understand that I had to do this.” Then he dropped his arms and stepped back. With a nod to Grant, he started to walk down the long interior hallway.

With one final moment of privacy, Grant kissed her one last time. He put his hands on her face and held her lips to his. Then without another word, he left her in the hallway, standing there with her hands dangling by her sides. She watched him disappear into the stairwell to the sky bridge. Right before he slipped out of sight, she looked up and saw him turn and blow her a kiss. She caught it as the doors were closing and she placed her hand over her heart. Everything inside of her was breaking, ripping to shreds. Her knees were shaking, her legs felt weak and wobbly. Her stomach threatened to pour out her breakfast contents all over the floor.

She stumbled back into the house. And Maxine rushed to her side, wiping away her tears and bearing her weight.

“Oh, my darling,” Maxine said and she carried Lucy to the couch. Tucked up in a ball next to her mother, she let out a wail. “Lucy...” her mother said. “Oh, Lucy. There is nothing worse. Nothing worse than saying goodbye.” And Maxine began to cry with her, letting her own tears fall. They sobbed together, and soon all the kids joined them. Harper, sucking her thumb, settled at Lucy’s feet, and Galen wrapped his arms around his mother’s shoulders. The twins wiped their own tears away and clung to Maxine’s arms.