Fear Itself

“And then there’s us.” Melanie took my cup of coffee from my hand and she placed both of our cups on the table and she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled my lips down to meet hers and we kissed a second time.

I broke off the kiss once again, “And then there’s the matter of your profession.” I thought myself so clever for bringing up this point.

“You don’t approve?” she smiled a drunken smile, as if this pleased her, “You’re the jealous type. Well I wouldn’t have thought that since you’ve been sleeping with a woman who still sleeps with her husband.” She raised her eyebrows accusingly.

“That’s different. It is what it is. I knew what I was getting into when I started and I can’t very well complain about it afterwards.” “Well then I’ll just have to give up my profession.” She tried her best to sound seductive with the way she elongated the pronunciation of the word profession but she slurred her S’s badly.

“You can’t afford to do that.”

“I’ve made a lot of money and I’ve saved it. I can get a regular job somewhere too.” She said confidently.

“Also, Amber’s coming over tonight.” “What a perfect time to break the news to her.” The alcohol made her brave, but I knew that in her gut she was dreading the confrontation that would ensue.

“I’m not sure that I have news to break. I think we need to give this some more time.”

Melanie dropped her hands to her hips and drooped her head as she closed her eyes as if holding back tears. She may have been freshened-up, but she was still feeling the effects of the alcohol. Perhaps she had counted on the alcohol to build her courage to come and see me and to say what she said. Perhaps she wanted to come early before the effects of the alcohol wore off and weakened her resolve. In any event I couldn’t let her cry so I pulled her to me and I loosely hugged her,

“I just mean that this all happened so suddenly and we need to handle things delicately. You’re right. Amber will never leave her husband. And you’re right; I do want more than she can offer me.” I felt as though I were playing a dramatic role in a bad movie, “And last night was wonderful, it really was. But we need to take it slow.” Melanie buried her head into my shoulder,

“We’re both still drunk. It’s not good to make decisions when you’re drunk. Why don’t we take a few days and think about this?”

“You’re right, of course.” She slid from my grasp and just stood in front of me covering her face with her hands. After an awkward minute of silence she turned and walked toward the door sniffling and staring at the floor.

But I wasn’t right. And I knew that I wasn’t right. Melanie was right. To Amber I was a piece of meat. Maybe that wasn’t the case at first…but our relationship had devolved into nothing more than a series of arranged physical encounters whereas I had really grown to care for Melanie deeply. She had taken us in, Sarah and I, no questions asked. She had cooked for us; she had behaved like a matron to Sarah and helped to fill the motherly void that the loss of Catherine had left; she had comforted me on many occasions, perhaps unknowingly, when Amber having forsaken my bed after completing the act had left me feeling sad and lonely; it was Melanie that I called and she who kept me company either by phone or by stopping by after her late evening engagements. Melanie had become the meaningful half of my affair with Amber. They, Amber and Melanie, had become two parts of the same relationship: Amber my lover and Melanie everything else. No wonder Melanie wanted the whole package.

And as Melanie opened the door to leave I knew that if I let her walk out, that I might not get another chance with her…that she might not feel the same way about me if I hesitated with her…much like the time I had fought Tony Artino; if I had chickened out on that fight we would probably never have been wed. As I saw it this fight was no different. I just needed to be brave.

“Wait, don’t go.”

Melanie turned and lilted her head and looked at me through tear moistened eyes.

“You’re right. I do want more.” I winced, holding back the gathering well in my eyes, “I want…you.”

Melanie turned and staggered back toward me and almost fell into my arms as though her legs had grown weary. She sniffled and leaned backwards and smiled at me, “Do you want to fool around again?” her eyes gri

“That could be a problem.” I led Melanie by the hand into the living room where we drank our coffee and talked until we were both too tired to keep our heads up. When

Melanie started to lilt I covered her with a blanket and I went to bed to try to get some rest. But of course all I could do was to contemplate the probable outcomes of the mess I had made. I never would have thought that

Melanie could have been so smitten with me after one brief physical encounter. But of course there was far more to our relationship than that. We had become close friends first, and we had played flirtatiously with one another during our veiled courtship.

But what was I thinking? Of course I wasn’t thinking at all or I never would have slept with Melanie. She was a mere child compared to me. And I was older and I was supposed to be more practical and level headed. What Melanie wanted was obviously out of the question. I certainly didn’t want to hurt her but I also knew that our timing was way off. And love; was that what she was immodestly professing? Did I love her? Platonically surely; but romantically? Was that what it was? I hadn’t really felt that way about anyone ever before, save Catherine. Was I capable of feeling romantic love for her so soon after Catherine’s death, I wondered? And now Melanie was willing to toss her best friend over the gangplank to be with the man she thought she loved. And I was left with no choice but to fight for my freedom with a foe fiercer in many ways than Tony Artino.

Amber was not a mere mortal. She was a lioness; a cat of prey. She had nails and sharp eye-teeth like the fangs of a feline. Her nature was possessive and her movements catlike. I could almost hear her hiss threateningly in defense of her kill. Only I was both the kill and the threat.

10

Be careful what you wish for goes the oft abused cliché. Where once I had the perfect arrangement, wild habitual sex with a Beautiful tabby who didn’t want to spend the night and did not want a long term commitment, and I was too foolish to realize how good I had had it; I now had a swooning child-lover with moonbeams in her eyes. Melanie was a sweetheart, don’t get me wrong, and I missed Catherine’s warm body in my bed in the mornings and the prospect of finding Melanie next to me every morning to fill that void would not have been the worst curse that could have been bestowed upon me, but I had, with the drunken poke of my prick, single-handedly created a love triangle with the only two people on the planet who could string me up by my testicles.

If Amber took offense at my having slept with her ‘best friend’ then I would be packing for destinations unknown before the next morning. If Melanie felt that I had misled her then she might twist my tits and I’d be in the same boat. I was trapped. Checkmate! The alcohol finally and mercifully dragged me from consciousness to the darkness of sleep. And I may have slept peacefully for a time but as is the case in the worst of times my dreams arrived on queue to rescue me from my tranquility.

I dreamt that I was ru