The Wanted

“I’m ready to talk,” I murmured, aware of all the listening ears around us.

He properly awoke and sat up on his elbows. “Okay,” he said warily.

“Not here,” I insisted quietly.

We got up and walked away from the camp.

Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw a screen light up. But the moon was fully exposed now. It was probably just light reflecting off a saucepan or cup.

We walked for about half an hour. Desh huffing and puffing nervously. Streaks of pink showed through the trees. Their icy branches looked splattered in purple and pink paint as the sun started to rise. We stopped and Desh turned around, his face anguished, a couple of tears rolling slowly down his dark cheeks. He sniffed and wiped them away.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, scared of what he might say.

“I need to tell you something,” he began, and then he stared down at his feet and wiped his eyes again. “Este tortured me. She threatened me. She told me they knew where Hessa was and if I didn’t finish the healer, they would go after him and the rest of you. I took my time, made mistakes I would never usually make, so you had longer to get away from the Wall. But every hour I wasted, she made me pay for, dearly. I hated her. She was a crazy, obsessed monster,” he rattled off so fast I could barely keep up.

I put a hand on his shoulder. He was shaking. “It’s all right, Desh, I know. But she can’t hurt you anymore.” Because I shot her.

He glanced up at me, his eyes red. The sun filtered through the bleak, black branches and hit me in the face. I closed my eyes.

He shook his head vehemently. “No Joe, you don’t know. I watched you; I didn’t help fight off all those men. Those men were going to kill you. They tried to… But you were so strong, like a bull being speared over and over, but you kept fighting. I saw you pull one off only to have another jump on you. Every single thing you did was in defense of your life. Every… single… thing.” He a

I flinched at his description. I couldn’t remember much. I just remember the part after, where they were all dead in front of me.

“It’s all right, Desh. I’m not angry with you for hanging back.”

He avoided my eyes. “You don’t understand. Este was watching you so intently that she didn’t even notice me. She didn’t see the gun in my hand. She had no clue. You were fighting for your life and instead of helping you, I calmly walked over and shot her.”

My legs weakened. I leaned back and braced myself against a tree. “You killed Este?” My voice was as rough as the bark I was leaning against.

Desh looked at me then, his brown eyes completely still, calm. “Yes. I killed her, and I’m not even remotely sorry about it. She threatened my son, my family.” He paused for breath. “You know that’s one of the reasons I love you, Joe. You’ve been taking this so hard because you’re too good inside. You’re a good man.”

I wished people would stop saying that.

I stumbled and gripped the tree with both hands behind me. “You’re a good man too, Desh,” I managed.

“I know. But not like you, which is fine. I just wish you’d let me tell you sooner. Maybe I should have tried harder to get you to listen, but part of me was happy to put it in the past. I’m sorry.”

I waved my hand at him. “It doesn’t matter. I still… um… those other men…”

“Would have killed you.”

But I still left her behind. I still nearly slept with Elise. It would not be that simple. These deaths and actions were not written in chalk that could be washed away. They were carved all over my skin.

I could have kept it to myself. Maybe I should have, but I felt like I had to change the way I’d been dealing with things.

“Desh, I nearly slept with Elise,” I confessed. The words tasted like vomit as I said them.

He raised his eyebrows and took a deep breath, sighing. “She’ll forgive you.”

I leaned my head on the tree trunk and stared up at the sky. The pink was fading, yellows the color of yolk taking over, shining like gold.

“I don’t deserve it.”

His voice was solid and sure. “Yes, you do.”

I chuckled because I didn’t know what else to do. It was like he’d plucked a pebble off the two-ton weight I was carrying. Maybe I used to be a good man. Maybe that was why this had been so hard for me to accept, to move on. But I liked who I used to be, and I missed being that man. “I’ll try and believe you.”

I worried that the Joseph she fell in love with was unreachable. But I had a choice. I could let what happened with Elise drag me further down. Or, I could use it as a push to grab a hold of the rope and pull myself out.

I turned my head to the clouds. The sunrises and sunsets I’d seen since I’d lost her had washed right over me. I couldn’t see beauty. I was motionless. But for the first time, I could see hope in that gold streak in the sky. I wasn’t going to mend instantly but talking about it had eased my pain and made me see the truth of that night. Each step was a small one, but at least I wasn’t standing still anymore.

ROSA

Judith held a dress up in front of my body, so just my scowling face stuck up from the frill-necked collar. “I think this will please him.”

I wanted to ask her how she could be so calm when she was about to witness her father’s death, but I held my tongue. There was something chilling in the way she moved around the room. The way she meticulously did her hair and makeup. I tried my best not to engage.

Snatching the dress from her fingertips, I went to the bathroom to change.

In the mirror, my reflection held too many secrets. I needed to compose myself and change my face. I stripped down and put on the hideous dress, the taffeta fabric ringing my throat intimidatingly. My roots were starting to show. Dark brown, almost black, hair ran in a stripe down my part. I smiled, a small part of me was returning. Then I took a cavernous breath that scraped the bottom of my diaphragm and tried to convince myself that it was going to be okay.

A knock signaled it was time to go.

I was surprised to see Denis’ face when I opened the door. His nose set in plaster, his eyes ringed with deep purple bruises. He tipped his chin at me, and winced at the effort. He held the door open for his sister, each movement controlled and calm. We joined him in the hall and walked towards the lift.

There were no nervous glances exchanged—nothing. Just calm breaths mixed with my panicked ones. They were ready for this. I was not. I smoothed my dress and tried not to see rivers of blood ru

When the lift opened in the garage, Grant and his wife were waiting by a car. The green one. We were told to turn around while the guard helped Grant into the driver’s seat.

“Get in,” he barked, while I stood there agape, agitated and itchy. I scratched my neck, and he rolled his eyes at me.

Judith got in, then Denis opened his arms and ushered me inside. The engine roared to life and I shuddered, wedged shoulder to shoulder with Grant’s murderous children.

Grant gri

Grant pressed a button on the dashboard, and the car rolled backwards. “No need.” His eyes found me in the rearview mirror. I gulped at his gaze. His plans for me were in that gaze, cutting me into bite-sized pieces like a laser. He didn’t need to say more. It was clear my time was nearly up.