The Wanted

“You’re not ready,” she stated, like she thought one day I would be. She turned away from me again, adjusting her position in my lap.

“I’ll never be ready for what you want, Elise. I’m in love with someone else,” I confessed. Someone who was lost to me, could be dead, could hate me for leaving.

Again, she giggled quietly. “Who said anything about love? I’m just looking for some fun, a distraction,” she said, in an almost aggressive tone.

I shook my head, though she couldn’t see me. “I can’t offer that either. The best I can do is friendship, all right?”

The leaves rustled again, but this time it was just the wind. She didn’t say anything for a long time.

“You’ll change your mind, but I can be your friend until then.” She was sure of herself. It reminded me of how I used to be, how convinced I was that Rosa loved me, even when she was constantly pushing me away. But I knew Elise was wrong about this one. I couldn’t change my mind about this.

The tip of a rifle poked into the bushes and I gasped, trying to put my body between the gun and Elise.

Gus’s gruff voice was a huge comfort. “You two coming out of there? Seems we’re going to have to be more vigilant from this point on.”

ROSA

What will be left of me when I get out of here?

I should say IF…

IF. The word hangs there like a rusty sign.

Other words hang in line behind it, like NEVER and BLOOD.

Trusting Denis could be a mistake. He was Grant’s son. And if he had anything of Grant in him, he might be desecrated on the inside, rotting charcoal lining his heart. But something whispered hoarsely against my ear, Trust him. Hope painted parts of him, even it was just the tips of his fingers, the edge of his nose. There was something there.

Denis cupped my elbow like a waiter holding a full bowl of soup, not wanting to spill what was left of me, as he accompanied me downstairs. Everything he said was a snatch, a snippet. Between cameras watching and listening, he fed me small lines, bite-sized morsels of information.

As he steered me towards the lift he spoke. “Focus on the background, not the action. I know you said you can’t not watch, that the noises are worse by themselves…” He whispered this over the top of my head, his eyes front. “So watch but don’t watch if you know what I mean. Pick a background image and count up the small details.”

I didn’t nod, but I listened. He had given me advice every morning for days, and it had worked some. Each time I returned to my room, I felt a little more broken and a little more sewn together. His other advice was to focus on the fact that he got away, that Joseph was somewhere out there, safe from Grant, from the Woodlands. I did that constantly, always, always, always.

The walk wasn’t long enough. I never had time to prepare myself.

“We’re here,” Denis a

I paused with my palm on the door. One, two, three. Just breathe. I muttered to the door, “Why are you helping me?”

Denis collapsed on the hood behind me, the red car springing up and down with his weight. “I’m not sure yet,” he said to his large, leather-clad feet.

The door opened and Mr. Hun grabbed my wrist without stepping into the light, gently pulling me inside. Fear murdered any thoughts about what Denis had just said. Now the exercise of not turning to vapor, to nothing, began. My energy had to be on keeping myself whole. At least on the outside.

Denis was waiting for me when I exited, sitting on the edge of a hood with his legs neatly crossed. His eyes were dark; he bowed his head, sorry at the sight of me. My legs had less wobble than three days ago but still, I struggled to stand and had to put my hand out to steady myself against the wall. Mr. Hun stepped out of the shadow of the door and looked up at Denis, who was suddenly standing by my side. “Tell your father we have made no progress, tell him…” Mr. Hun stroked his chin, white whiskers springing back under his fingers. I cringed. “Tell him I recommend termination or repurpose, though I don’t know what for.”

Denis’ grip tightened around my waist, his fingers pressing the emptiness of me, I was skin stretched over air.

“I’ll tell him, but you know my father. He doesn’t like to lose,” Denis said to the small, evil man.

Mr. Hun blinked up at Denis, who towered over him like a wavy weed. “Indeed,” he muttered and then stepped back into the dark room, the door swinging shut. I wondered if he ever went outside or if he spent his whole life in the dark doing dark things?

Before I could wonder too much, Denis was marching me back towards the elevator.

The word ‘termination’ slammed over my head like a dropped drawbridge. I stiffened, my legs locking. I turned up to him, begging with my eyes.

“Please. Take me outside,” I whispered, my lips trembling with hope. If I was going to die, I needed to be outside, one more time.

He shook his head as he took in my camisole and shredded skirt. “You’ll freeze to death.”

“I don’t care. Tell them it’s part of my torture. Please, I need to breathe real air.” I would beg if I had to.

He stood, statuesque, for the longest moment. His eyes on the ceiling as if he was counting nonexistent stars. Stars. Then he sighed deeply. “All right.”

We moved around the cars and out, out into the open. He steered me around the base of Grant’s house and into a garden, or more a frozen patch of grass surrounded by neatly trimmed hedges. The cold snapped at my skin, tiny shards of ice growing on the hairs of my arms. It felt so good. I breathed in and exhaled with the force of a hurricane. I savored every last particle. My bare feet dug into the grass. I cast my eyes up to the sky and took a mental picture, storing it with the others. The stars blinked down on me in sympathy. They were the same stars Orry slept under right now. The same stars Joseph was staring up at, wondering what had happened to me.

I wound my hand to the sky and tried to grab at them.

Denis coughed. “We have to go.”

Just one more breath.

I turned to him, his thick, spiky hair making his shadow look like a cactus. “Tell me something about yourself.”

He laughed, small, like a bird was caught in his throat. “I’m not good enough and I’m tired of trying.”

I wanted to laugh in his face. Did he expect pity from me? But then he moved closer to me and took my hand. “I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want anyone to live like this anymore.” He squeezed my hand and kept it there. “There are people I love who are lost to me too, Rosa.”

I gaped in response and continued to stare at the stars, not willing to give them up yet.

But too soon, he was pulling my hand and leading me back to the door. I wanted to ask him more questions but he was almost ru

We were silent in the elevator, silent as he walked me down the hall, deathly quiet until we passed my door and Denis put his hand on a handle that was not mine. He looked at me, pleading in his eyes, and said four words, “Give her a chance,” and then he pushed open the door.

My eyes were assaulted by colors, by the rainbow that had seemingly thrown up on every surface of the room. Two single beds sat in the center and cross-legged on the tip of one sat Judith.

“Welcome, roomie,” she sang, her voice like violins used as bats, as she bounced off her bed and came ru