The Wounded

As the press of bodies and noise settled, the lights over us set the next one off until the whole space was bathed in cold, white light. Now I could see where we were. They were all here, thousands of people, dirty mouths finally breathed out after days of holding it in.

The space was divided into rectangles. Families had claimed these painted sections, squatting down, tending to small pots of food being heated on battery-operated hot plates. One man quietly stacked and un-stacked ti

I felt it too. My eyes sca

But I couldn’t think of Hessa now, not yet. I turned to the door. I thought, If he’s not here, I’m going to go and find him. I imagined Joseph and Orry wrapped in an ashy blanket at the bottom of the crater and felt bile rise in my throat.

Bile that was nearly squeezed out of me as I was lifted off the ground.

*****

I was held up above the crowd. My eyes snatched a glimpse of Orry cradled in Odval’s arms. A deep pressure in my chest released, and I could finally breathe without the deep splinters of worry poking my lungs. The arms around me spun my body to face their owner’s. I smiled, feeling weightless in my relief. I wrapped my arms around Joseph’s neck and sunk into his embrace. It felt like a year had passed since I had seen him. A year since I’d left him.

His hands pressed into my back and pulled me closer. My hair flapped over his face. I felt him breathing me in as I was doing him, savoring the moment. I knew it couldn’t last. I knew he’d be angry with me. My body tensed at the thought of it, bracing. And just as I expected, he dropped me to the ground like a hot coal.

But he didn’t let go of me, and I wrapped my strength around that thought. He put his hands on my waist and stared at me with such intensity that I recoiled. He was angry. I knew it. I opened my mouth to apologize, but nothing came out. All I could do was stare at his beautiful face, his glowing eyes.

He looked sad, and something burned behind his eyes I didn’t quite understand. I felt singed under his gaze. His voice grumbled, almost a growl. “I don’t care what you say. I don’t care if I’m as loud a hundred elephants stomping behind you. Wherever you go, I’m going with you.”

I took a step back. Confused. He was angry. He was supposed to be. He should be punishing me. And maybe that’s what I would have done. But he was different. He was better.

I leaned back on one leg and pounced at him. He lifted me up, and I felt that chuckle, that deep rumble in his chest there to cure me. I put my lips to his ear and whispered, “Ok.” The built-up fear and loneliness I had been feeling these past weeks toppled down, leaving me exposed, naked, and suddenly clear. I let it go and with it, any composure I thought I’d managed to hold onto. I erupted into sobs. “Take me to my son,” I managed in between tears and quick breathing.

*****

Seeing Orry again felt like my body snapping back into place, like the rib that was broken found its rough end and fused back together smoothly with the others. Odval handed him to me gently, pressing him into my chest like a puzzle piece. I sat down on the oily concrete floor and let him fit.

I held him close and pressed my nose to his head. He smelled the same. His soft hair tickled my skin, and joy surged through me. Everything that I had, everything that I was clutching onto, didn’t seem to matter. He was safe. Joseph was safe. I sighed in relief, feeling the ghosts catch and snag on the outtake.

I ran my hands gently over Orry’s little brow; he smiled up at me like no time had passed. “Where’s Hessa, Deshi, and the others? I want to see them. Deshi’s going to want to hear how well his key contraptions worked,” I said, looking up at Joseph, who stood over us, his hand resting gently on my shoulder.

He dipped his head. I watched him hold his breath, his eyebrows pulled together, and then he ran one hand through his hair. I knew that motion. It meant he was upset. His grip tightened on my shoulder.

“Let me show you where we’re sleeping,” he said, tightly. He was avoiding my question, but I stood and took his hand. He led me away from the crowd towards one of the painted rectangles.

Orry’s carrier lay in one corner half-covering a dark grey oil stain, as did a rolled-up blanket and jacket. “It’s not much, but it has to be home for now,” Joseph said in a strained tone. “At least… now that you’re here,” he muttered, blushing a little.

He sat down cross-legged on a square of blanket and motioned for me to sit as well. In the distance, I could still hear Hessa screaming, but it had changed to an exhausted whoop and bark.

I sat Orry up in my lap and wrapped one arm around his stomach. The other still held onto Joseph.

“Wh… what’s going on?” I stammered. Everything was whirling like chopper blades, bodies and soldiers, dead tigers and Hessa’s screams churned around me. “Where’s Deshi?” I asked in weak anger. “He’d never let Hessa scream like that. Joseph,” I pleaded. “What happened to him?” I knew something had. I could see it in Joseph’s eyes, and hear it in Hessa’s screams.

“Alexei’s trying with Hessa but… he’s struggling too,” Joseph muttered. My eyes filled preemptively with tears. It was too hard, too sad. “Rosa, Deshi was one of the first to get here. The elders were the slowest. Some of us stayed with them, tried to help them across the crater, but then the soldiers opened fire.” He looked down at the ground, his hand dropping out of my grasp. He put his finger to Orry’s hand and let the baby hold it. “They demanded Deshi come out of hiding, or they would keep firing.” His eyes burned into mine. So much pain. “Rosa, it was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. The people, the bodies sliding down the cliff…” He put his hand to his throat, stroking the golden stubble. “Apella refused to leave the hospital. I don’t even know if she hid, but they caught her. We could hear her screaming at Deshi not to come out, but they just kept shooting. He went. He had to.”

I put my hand to my chest. Everything was opening up again, and I was raw.

“Apella?” I squeaked. Air was not coming in.

“They waited until they had Deshi in custody, and then they threw her into the Hole.” Joseph rubbed his forearms, and I noticed gashes and scratches. “I had to hold Alexei down to stop him from going after her,” he said with a pained smile. “He’s strong when he puts his mind to it.”

I gulped, trying not to let it drown me, because Joseph needed me more right now. “You did the right thing,” I said. “Is she...?”

He shook his head, his blond curls tapping on the sides of his head, wishing him down from the bad dream he was stuck in. “I don’t know. I mean she’d have to be, right? She wouldn’t be able to climb out of there on her own.” He clapped his hands on either side of his head, and his whole body slumped. “Oh Jesus, Rosa, she probably drowned in ash.”

I stiffened, trying to hold my shaking bones together. All this grief would kill me. I had to find a way to put it aside so I could be strong.

He looked up at me, searching. “I just don’t get it. They didn’t want to destroy us, or the town. All they wanted was Deshi?”

The car park was hushed as the Survivors told their stories to the ones who had failed to get here in time. The occasional cry of someone’s name pierced the silence like a pointed needle. These were the names of the unburied bodies lying in the crater. These names left us wounded.

Alexei walked towards us with Hessa in his arms. The child had finally succumbed to sleep, though he still hiccupped leftover cries with eyes closed and body slack. I left Orry sitting on the rug and rushed to Alexei, embracing his ski