The Wall

We tried shooting the stu

At the end of the first day, I walked in the door and the other half of me took over. The lies began. Joseph wasn’t home yet so I rushed around, making an obvious mess so he would think I’d been working all day. I ran my hands along the rough edge of a cabinet carcass and sprinkled sawdust on my forehead. I began making di

I shrugged and clipped it to my waistband. Placing the earphones in, I switched it on. It blasted and my head jerked back from the volume. Once I had adjusted it, the words bashed me over the head again and again with fear, anguish, and pain, but I couldn’t stop listening. As Joseph opened the door, the words crept out and sailed towards him.

I told you to be patient

and I told you to be kind

…now all your love is wasted

…who will love you?

Who will love you?

The blood drained from my face and I pulled the earphones out violently, managing a thin-lipped smile. I glanced down at the tiny screen and noted the name of the musician. This Bon Iver guy was inside my head, his anguish matching my own.

He dropped his bag on the floor and watched me carefully. But then Orry cried and Joseph had to respond. He went to the kitchen to make Orry’s milk at the sink. I kept my back to him but acknowledged his presence with a slight nod. I felt like a criminal, so I slammed bars between the two people I was fast becoming. This was ‘at home’ Rosa. Believe it, I told myself, cursing Gwen under my breath even though part of me wanted to hear the rest of the song. Did he get what he wanted? Did he shame her into being better?

Orry settled and Joseph laid him on his tummy on one of Addy’s rugs.

I clucked my tongue. “You know he’ll vomit on that. He’s just had a bottle.” Although, you probably wouldn’t even notice on one of Addy’s creations since they all looked a little like a rainbow had vomited on them as it was.

Joseph chuckled and walked towards me. I relaxed, slipping into the comfortable and desirous atmosphere he created. “You know you sound like Addy when you talk like that.”

I put my hands on my hips and did my best imitation of Addy, rattling and bobbing my head as I spoke, “Babies need to be independent.” I raised my index finger, waggling it in his face. “You’ve got to let them work things out for themselves. A face full of vomit and he’ll soon work out not to do it again.”

Joseph threw his head back and laughed. It filled me with certainty, like a limp sail suddenly pressed open by a surge of wind. He placed his hands on my waist and pulled me towards him so our hips were touching. “That’s very good. You’ve been practicing.” He ran his fingers across my brow, brushing of the sawdust. “Working hard?”

I felt my heart beating faster and the blood rush to my cheeks. I took a step backwards. “Yes, it’s good to get back into it. It gives me something to focus on,” I lied, as I slapped imaginary dust off my pants. He looked at me doubtfully for a second but shook it free.

“Yes, I suppose that’s true. I like getting back into working at the hospital… even if it is with Matt.” It was unlike Joseph to be so unforgiving but he hadn’t let go of what Matthew had failed to tell us. Also, as far as I knew, Cal was still under Matthew’s care in the hospital, which had to be hard.

After we put Orry to bed, I took the opportunity to turn the focus onto him and let him talk my ears off about his day until we dozed off on our couch, carelessly intertwined like the gnarled roots of a Banyan tree.

I woke up the next morning in our bed and realized Joseph must have carried me. The first day of training had been exhausting and I was sure it would only get worse. Pietre didn’t strike me as someone who would go easy on a begi

This is how it started.

Every morning, I would see Joseph off at the door. He would take Orry every other day and I would drop the baby with Odval on my days.

If Joseph suspected anything, he never said so. He was so preoccupied with his medical training. It had stepped up recently because they were preparing for the mission. People were getting checked out and checked off a list and preparations were being made for the incoming Spiders. Some of them had been injured during interrogations and there were also likely to be injuries during the rescues. Gus asked Joseph to go along as the medic but he said he felt like he didn’t have enough experience yet to be solely responsible for the groups’ health.

I did a good job of separating the two things I was doing. When I was with Joseph, I stuffed the training Rosa in a box and locked it. I immersed myself in him and Orry. I intended to tell him… I just wanted to wait until I was stronger, trained better, so I would have more back up when he tried to convince me not to go. Well, that’s what I told myself.

I became friends with my lies. They wrapped around me like curls of white smoke, whispering the necessary answers in my ears. When Joseph noticed a scratch on my arm, I told him I got it rushing through my work. When I appeared tired, I said it was the nightmares. When he questioned the pile of work that had accumulated in the corner, I said people were giving me more time to finish because of what had happened but they were still bringing things over. The lies came quickly and easily and it scared me. Inside, I felt like a coward. He knew what I’d wanted to do and I should have just told him the truth straight away. Instead, I slunk into a corner, made excuses, and let one half of me lie and the other half wrap my arms around him like nothing had ever happened.

FITNESS

As expected, Pietre was a hard taskmaster. He had me ru

Tree climbing was my favorite thing. Being light and agile, I could clamber up even thin-boughed trees quickly and quietly. I selected a tall Poplar tree. Its slim branches were low to the ground and stuck straight out at a 45-degree angle. The whole tree looked like it had been pulled through a water pipe and the branches hadn’t uncoiled. As I sat on a bendy branch to catch my breath, a vein of guilt ran through me. I’d strayed far from that busting, pregnant girl. I sighed. I grieved. I was so different to what I used to be. That girl slipped over a cliff when I wasn’t looking, a clatter of loose dirt spilling over rocks, the only evidence she ever existed.

Sitting here now, with the rough bark scratching my backside, the spiky buds pressing into my head and arms, I couldn’t imagine how I had once been comfortable up here. But then I was with Joseph. He softened everything.

“What are you thinking about?” a breathless Pietre asked. He was looking up at me between the branches, his eyes curious.