The Wall

I took Joseph’s hand and traced over his knuckles one by one. I heard him sigh.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“Nothing. Nothing’s the matter. I’m just so glad this hasn’t changed. I was so scared that things would be different between us, after… but they’re not.”

I kissed his hand and stared into the fire. It was simple in there, in the flames. All or nothing. Consume or be consumed. Was I changed? Not in that way at least. I loved him the same. No, I loved him more. Always more. The rest? I didn’t know what it had done to me yet.

“Tell me more about what’s happening in the Woodlands,” I said.

Joseph rested his head on the top of mine and paused. Then he pulled the backpack towards him. From it, he produced some food and spread it out on a blanket. He filled a pan with water and set it on the coals. “You should eat,” he said in his doctorly tone.

I took some bread and smeared jam on it. Finding his eyes, I urged him to tell me more but he seemed hesitant.

“What is it?”

“Don’t jump at this,” he said carefully, “but they’re going to the Woodlands in a couple of weeks.”

“What, why?” I said, barely able to keep the desperate tone from my voice.

“They’re retrieving the Spiders,” he said.

We ate in silence for a while. I knew he was watching me, trying to peer into my brain and see what I was thinking. And what was I thinking? Exactly what he feared… If they were going back, then this was my chance. My toes were tapping in agitation.

But before I could form a plan in my head, Joseph swept it away. He didn’t ask me what I was pla

I found myself fighting him, because he was making it take too long. I wanted his mouth, the taste of it on my own. He finally found me and I was awash in him, in the golden bands that bound us and held us to each other. Wherever my train of thought was heading, I missed it. It was gone and, in that moment, I couldn’t have cared less.

We stayed by the fire until it became too dark too see the forest around us, enveloped in each other’s arms and company. This was exactly right and I didn’t want to leave, even if it was a false feeling. But, reminded of the great, striped creatures that stalked the night, we poured our cups of tea onto the fire and headed back to the hospital.

Matthew wasn’t there but the nurse told us he said I could go home.

She handed me a bottle of pills and a bag containing the clothes I’d worn that night. She told me I would have to come back to have the cast removed in two weeks.

I nodded and Joseph and I walked home hand in hand.

Home. I craved it and dreaded it at the same time. But when we got there, it looked the same as always. Its cracked and weathered shingles creaked in the cold. Its open shutters blinked at me and welcomed me in. It was just a building, and the violence and chaos it had housed were gone. I treaded lightly over the stone path and took the steps two at a time. Standing at the doorway, I watched the house sigh and expel the menace. It whirred out the opening and soared into the sky. Gone.

Orry cried out. The warmth of the woodstove poured over me like a wave. I heard Deshi creaking over the floorboards and calming Orry with his smooth voice. And I knew it was still home. My home.

I slipped comfortably back into my home like a familiar, worn shoe. Deshi showed me how to make up a bottle for Orry, a process that was clumsy and time consuming. But I had to shake off the things I couldn’t control. Like dry leaves clinging to a coat, they floated to the ground and I stepped on them with a satisfying crunch.

I caught up with Deshi at the door while Joseph was changing Orry’s nappy.

I grabbed his arm and, for once, he didn’t shrink away. “Deshi, thank you. You’ve been a better friend than I deserve. I… I hope this hasn’t been too hard on you.” I knew my words were a bit incomplete but what could I say? I’m sorry if Joseph and I playing house is difficult for you?

He put his hand on my shoulder and patted it. “You know what? If you had died, that would have been hard. Watching what happened to him when he saw you lying there in front of the door… Rosa, I’ll never forget that face. I know things haven’t been easy between us but I am glad you’re ok. I want him to be happy.” Deshi eyes moved to Joseph struggling with Orry’s kicking legs as he tried to fasten the gurgling baby’s nappy.

It was rather inadequate but I said, “I really want you to be happy too.”

Surprisingly, he smiled at me, leaned down, and kissed my cheek. “I am.”

And with that, I released him. He waved through the door. “See you tomorrow, Joe.”

Joseph grabbed Orry’s legs with one hand to still them and managed a muffled “See ya” through his gritted teeth, a nappy pin hanging out the side of his mouth.

We settled Orry and placed him in his crib. I stroked his head and watched his eyes flutter and close. I felt safe here. What was I thinking giving this up to chase down a mother who probably didn’t even want me? But I felt like I had no choice—I had to go. Mother was beaten down, and even if I only knew that feeling for one night, it was enough, enough to know no one deserves to feel that way.

When I finally fell asleep, I dreamed a swirl of images that didn’t fit. I was dancing around my living room with Orry to the music Gwen had given me, laughing and throwing my head back, singing out of tune. Then I was ru

Staring through the bars, I could see Paulo pushing a pram with a crying baby in it, rocking it back and forth violently. I yelled out at him to stop, he was frightening the child, and when he turned to face me, I was staring into the face of a man I could barely remember, except for those eyes, my eyes.

I woke up tied in a knot of sheets, Joseph nursing a welt across his eye.

“What happened?” I asked, though I knew.

“You had another nightmare.” Another? He looked at me through half-open eyes, his hair sticking up on one side from being squished into the pillow. I stared at his impossible face for a moment before pain shot through me.

“Ugh! My head.” I fumbled around on the nightstand, searching for the painkillers. As I swallowed them, I thought of my dream and shuddered.

Joseph collapsed back into bed and mumbled, “C’mere,” opening his strong arms and folding me into them. He was soon asleep but my eyes were wide open. How was I going to get through this?

Joseph didn’t want to leave but I pushed him out of the bed.

“Go. I’ll be fine,” I said as convincingly as I could. “I want things to go back to normal. You go to the hospital and I will look after Orry at home.”

He left grudgingly but promised to come home early. I made sure I knew exactly what time.

I’d barely slept last night. I pulled Orry close, sleep wrapping its warm arms around me. It was dreamless. The lull of Orry’s snoring brought to me an uneasy peace, until I heard an impatient rapping at the door. The sharps taps felt like they were rattling inside my head. Would my brain ever return to normal and not feel like everything was inside out?