The Wall

I tried to imagine a young Addy, agilely climbing over rubble and searching out treasures in abandoned buildings. I couldn’t quite do it. In my mind, she looked the same but bounded across the rocks like she had springs in her shoes.

“What if I don’t want one?” I said.

“You will.”

I smirked. “You’re a bit of a know-it-all, old lady.”

She crimped her lips together in a fake frown. Then she gri

“Get back to work!” she said, flapping her hands at me.

Joseph watched our interactions quietly. He peered over his book every now and then, the pages shaking like rustling leaves when he laughed to himself.

Addy saved me.

I needed something to do. And she gave me a sense of purpose. Or maybe it was just distraction. Whatever it was, it stopped me from going crazy. The nightmares still came but I felt like I could handle them. The week went by more smoothly because of her.

Her presence also gave me hope. If she were allowed to exist, if she had a relationship with her grandchild, maybe things were different here. In the Woodlands, old people were just shoved to the edges and I don’t even know what happened to them if they didn’t have the common decency to die quietly. Addy was loud, opinionated, and people listened to her. It was strange, but a welcome strange.

On a day when there was more silence between us than talking, I tapped on the glass lightly to get Addy’s attention. There was something I wanted to ask her but I wasn’t sure how to phrase it. It bothered me that I didn’t know enough about the elderly. I wanted to know what it felt like to live on the edge of death.

Addy’s head was hooked under and she was snoozing in her chair again. “Addy, Addy,” I said, between tapping. She snorted awake, sounding like an ailing lawnmower. “Goodness! What, dear?”

“Can I ask you something, er, personal?”

She narrowed her eyes a little but she had a smile on her face. “Depends on what it is.”

“Right.” I looked at the floor and breathed in. “Um… are you afraid to die? I mean, since you’re so old?” Joseph had his back to us against the glass wall; it shook from his sniggering shoulders.

Addy’s eyebrows rose but she looked at me kindly. “I don’t want to die, dear, but I accept that I will. What about you, are you afraid to die?”

I thought about it. I hadn’t really considered the reality of death. But when I was in Pau, I always felt that my life would be a short one. Like the fireworks they released over the Great Wall at New Years, my life would be a brilliant flash of sparks and color but would flame out all too quickly. Now I didn’t know. Orry and Joseph had changed the way I thought about my life.

“Hello in there… I’m dying of boredom over here,” Addy said, waving her hands in front of my eyes.

“Sorry,” I replied, snapping out of my thoughts. “I think, no. I’m not afraid to die. What’s the point of being afraid of something inevitable? But I really want to live for as long as I can.”

Her eyes reached me, grey but warm. So compassionate. “That’s good. Very good.”

I woke up to something shaking me. Rough hands that felt like they were made of spun, dried grass, light with no substance to them. I batted them away, unwilling to give up sleep. “Rosa, wake up,” a raspy voice urged.

Addy.

I opened my eyes and her face was two inches from my own. I jumped.

“Your face is way too scary for this time of the morning,” I yawned.

She was sitting on the edge of the bed, scowling. She smacked my leg but it was like she’d tapped me with a straw broom. I barely felt it.

“Didn’t your mother teach you how to speak to your elders?”

I cringed. “Is that a trick question? Or is that just one of your silly sayings?” I hated it when she brought up family. And she always did. She was like a dog with a bone. She couldn’t let it go… unless she was just forgetful. It was hard to tell sometimes.

She patted my leg again and smiled. I tried to shake off my morning crankiness. I needed to remember I actually liked this woman and I shouldn’t be so rude.

“Is she always like this in the mornings?” Addy directed at Joseph.

“What?” he smirked. “Beautiful, captivating, beguiling?”

I blushed and then snapped, “I’m pretty sure those are all words for the same thing. You’ve been reading too many romantic novels.”

Addy clucked her tongue and grabbed my face with her crinkled hands. “Today you get out.”

“Really?” I pulled myself up straight. I couldn’t believe it. The last week had flown by.

She nodded, her light grey eyes sparkling. Even if she was ancient, I felt like we were so similar. Cut from the same cloth, is what she would say. I pulled her to me in a tight embrace. Unidentifiable sweet smells emanated from her clothing and it was like squeezing a bird, her thin bones, her body, was so delicate I was afraid I would crush her.

I released her and she clapped her hands impatiently. “You all need to get dressed and get ready to face them. Today you get to meet the rest of us.”

Matthew and a few other doctors came up to the doorway, which was now propped open. I was torn, wanting to run to Joseph but also wanting to grab Orry. Joseph made the decision for me, slamming through his door and coming towards me in what looked like painfully restrained steps. Addy shuffled out of the room so fast it was like she’d grown wheels in her feet.

After two weeks of staring at each other through glass, it was all I could do not to jump on him and knock him over. But I tried to stand still, aware of other people watching us. Joseph didn’t seem to care. He grabbed me around the waist and lifted me to his chest. I threw my arms around his neck and breathed in him in. Golden cymbals clashed around my ears, blocking out any other noise, any other distraction. I wrapped my legs around his waist and lifted my face up to meet his. It was too easy for him to hold me up. Like it was no effort at all.

It’s fu

Joseph whispered into my ear, his warm breath sending tiny shivers through my body. “Do I have to let you go?”

I only managed, “Mhmm,” and a nod.

He let me down but kept a hold of my waist.

“All right, you two, that was disgusting,” Deshi laughed. “Can we get ready to go now?”

Reluctantly, I let Joseph go but it was like he took half my beating heart with him. The feeling scared me a little. The want to be so close to him, as close as I could possibly be, was powerful. Overwhelming.

Addy agreed with Deshi, muttering something about ‘a time and a place’. She brought Orry in to see me while Joseph got dressed. It felt so good to hold my son again. He felt heavier, his eyes brighter. How did he change so fast?

Once everyone was dressed, we lined up and Matthew gave us a talk. Addy busied herself packing up her bag, giving me a wink every now and then. I sidled up to Apella and gave her a gentle squeeze. She managed a weak smile. We were all nervous, none of us knowing what to expect.

“Ok, everyone. From here, we will go to the meeting hall. It’s nothing special, but everyone wants to meet you,” Matthew said.

This filled me with dread. I pictured an angry mob armed with Coca Cola cans ready to aim at our heads. We were responsible for the deaths of several of their community members. I didn’t know how the others were feeling, except for Joseph. I sensed he was thinking of nothing else other than being alone with me; it was the dominant feeling in my mind. He kept his hand around my waist, slipping it under my shirt so he could touch my skin as we walked. It was driving me crazy and I wanted to swat him off but at the same time couldn’t bear the idea of losing that co