The Wall

Fu

My head felt heavy as I made my way back. Someone was lying to me but I wasn’t sure why and whether it was something to worry about. Somehow these halls had become a soggy mess of me dragging my feet, through jelly, through grass, and now wet cement. I’d had enough. I needed to get out of here.

Matthew was arguing with Gus just outside our door. Lights flickered above. When they saw me, they stopped talking, their behavior seeming even more suspicious. Either they were talking about me or having a lover’s quarrel. Ick! Gus was a bit old for Matthew. Matthew approached me and said Joseph would need at least a few days to recover before they moved him. And by the look on Gus’s face, that must have been the issue. He had wanted to leave a while ago. Delaying the trip by even more time would definitely upset him.

“I’m going to restrict visitors to just you and the baby for now,” he said softly. His eyes trailed a disgruntled Gus as the man stomped quietly down the hall. I sympathized. When you wanted to stomp around this place, it was very unsatisfying, the noise absorbed before it could escape from under your boot.

I was surprised by Matthew’s orders. “Why?”

“I have scheduled an ultrasound for Apella later and if it shows what I think it will, she is going to need some time. This way, it’s out of everyone’s hands. Think about it as a forced recovery, for everyone.”

“Can I help? Can I see her?” I said in clipped excitement. I knew he would say no. I knew Apella well enough to know she was a private person and would want to handle this on her own, but I had to ask.

He shook his head, his faced creased and grainy from tiredness. I touched his hand and thanked him. He said he would keep Deshi, Apella, and Alexei updated. I had questions I wanted to ask but he seemed so stressed. I had the feeling he needed some time also.

I was upset at first, but when I thought about it, a bit of time could be nice. Could we just pretend we were somewhere else and forget what was going on around us? I decided to take this recovery time at its word. Recover some of the time we had lost and enjoy being alone with Joseph. I postponed talking to him about the women from the bathroom, about Cal. It could wait. The world could wait for a while. It was doctor’s orders anyway.

We spent our days talking. Joseph was supposed to lie down so we faced each other, hands clasped together, Orlando sometimes lying between us. I was buzzing from his touch, not one single shred of that charge had waned.

He wanted to learn everything he could about Orlando and I tried really hard not to look like the inadequate mother I knew I was.

“So how often does he feed? Do you bathe him? Can I change his nappy?” he said in one hurried breath.

“Um, I don’t know, quite a lot, yes and definitely yes. Please!” I answered. He was hilarious, so enthusiastic, as I knew he would be. He was already a great father, but then, he’d always wanted to be one. I felt a little tug at the idea that soon, he would overtake me.

He raised his eyebrows and sighed, “Does it hurt?”

“Does what hurt?” I asked, confused.

“Feeding him.”

“Oh no, not really. Maybe a little at first but now it just feels normal,” I said, flustered by the turn in conversation.

“Now don’t get angry,” he said, pumping his hands infuriatingly, like he was fa

“If you don’t want me to be angry, maybe you shouldn’t say what you’re thinking of saying.” I eyed him suspiciously, trying not to give away my amusement.

He took a deep breath and I wondered what the hell he was going to say. “It’s just… I’m really proud of you. I shouldn’t say ‘you’ve come so far’,” his eyes were glinting with mischief. “But you have certainly done a great job with Orry.” He looked at the boy with adoration. He had already shortened the baby’s name, but I liked it. It made it more Joseph’s doing and separated it from Cal.

I thought back to that day in the forest. How enormous I was, my belly getting in the way of everything. I was huge and on a hormone-induced anger rampage. Everything had blown up from one small comment. You’ve come so far.  I remember feeling deficient, like he was saying, Look how far you’ve come from the unfeeling, incompetent mess you were before. Looking back, I could see how silly I had been. But then, it’s always easier to look back and say things like that. Given the time again, I’m not sure I would have done anything differently. I decided to make him regret saying it again, just a little.

I snorted. “You’re hopeless. I can’t believe you brought that up!” I made a show of turning my back to him and crossing my arms. I felt him approaching me, his arms sliding under my arms and around my stomach.

“Rosa, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“Humph!”

“Rosa…?”

That was enough torture for the day. I grabbed his hands and brought them to my lips, laughing. “You really are an idiot.”

He smirked and turned my body to face him. Kissing my neck and saying in between his lips touching my skin, “You… really… shouldn’t… tease… me… like… that.”

I leaned away from him, finding his eyes. “You love it!”

“No. I love you,” he said earnestly.

I held his gaze for a moment before I dropped my eyes and jumped at him, saying loudly, “So cheesy!” I swept my arms around his neck and pulled him towards me for another kiss. Brimful of warmth and gold, I was nearly overflowing.

Even though Joseph was getting stronger every day, Matthew embarrassingly told us to be ‘gentle’ with each other. He didn’t exactly give us a sex talk but he may as well have. Joseph thought this was the fu

We pushed our beds together and, although it was difficult, we did respect the doctor’s orders. Every single touch was sufficient for me anyway. It was more than I thought I would ever have again so I reveled in the tiniest contact. But it did start to pull at the threads I had agonizingly stranded myself back together with. I was always just a little scared that he would find the loose end, start pulling, and reveal me for the pile of dirty rags I was.

All the same, I could have stayed like this forever—in denial and suspended in time.

I wish I’d known the time was not ours to keep, that there was a huge trade-off for taking it. It wasn’t mine; I stole it from the others. And, unfortunately, I could never give it back.

On the day Matthew confirmed that Apella had lost her baby, I proved my terrible acting skills. The sadness I felt, the guilt, was eating away at me. Little bits of me started falling away at the edges. Picking them up was exhausting. They were fast forming a bundle that was getting heavier and heavier to carry.

I walked into our room and Joseph was trying to one handedly put his trousers on while holding the baby. The image would usually inspire a sarcastic remark. But all I could think was, Just another thing I have taken away from someone. Apella will have no baby—these fu