The Woodlands

I shoved it all in the leather bags I had found. I could see the boys had calmed down and were doing the same thing, tossing clothes and other useful items into shiny nylon bags slung over their shoulders. But I couldn’t find any tools.

I worked my way right to the back of one of the stores, wading my way through a sea of over-turned racks and rubbish. It smelled like dust, like old death. Right at the back, behind a filthy, laminated counter covered in paper and metal coins, I found what I was looking for, a red metal door with a plastic plaque on the front that said ‘Utulidad.’ It was locked. I called for the boys and they worked at kicking it in. Booted bangs, the only noise this place had entertained in a long time.

We were rewarded for our persistence. Inside was a small room with a toolbox full of useful items. Mounted on the wall was another red box. Inside was exactly what I wanted. I smashed the glass with my hand wrapped inside a leather bag and pulled the shiny axe head from the box. The handle disintegrated as soon as I touched it, but I could make a new one.

We made our way out, looking ridiculous, like over-burdened mules. Wearing some things, and strapping the bags around ourselves as best we could. Careen emerged last, twirling a tight, hot pink top on her finger and gripping a large hunting knife in her other hand.

She leaped down the stairs like a gazelle, shoved her serrated knife in her pocket, and peeled off her top in front of everyone. She dropped the grimy, bloodstained one on the ground with distaste and stood bare chested in front of us. Her pale face showed not even a flicker of awareness that her nakedness might make us uncomfortable. I stared wide-eyed at her while the boys averted their eyes. She shimmied into her new top and adjusted her cleavage. She looked and behaved so differently to me that I couldn’t quite digest what I was looking at.

We walked back to the campsite, our progress slowed by our new possessions. Along the way, I dropped some of the less important things, sparkly hair ties and clips, a thin silk scarf wrapped in plastic, all useless. Joseph carried the small toolbox; I carried the treasured axe head.

Again, we lagged behind the others by a few hundred meters. I bumped hips with Joseph’s affectionately, folding my hands inside my shirt anxiously. I wanted to ask him something but I was afraid of how it would come out.

“What do you think of Careen?” I asked nervously.

Joseph paused and rubbed his chin. “She’s all right, why?”

“I mean, what do you think of her, really?”

He stopped walking and turned to face me, “Rosa, what is this about?”

“Well, she’s quite attractive, isn’t she?” I said, staring at my stomach, my feet imagined, as they hid under my enormousness.

He chuckled, a deep vibration that I wished I could jump into, a pool of sound. “I suppose…”

“Yeah, I thought so,” I said, disappointed. I wanted him to say she was hideous, or that he didn’t even notice her looks at all.

“Is this about the nightdress? I was being stupid, just joking,” he assured me.

“No. It’s not that. Believe me, I’m used to you being stupid,” I teased.

“Then, what are you worried about?” he said, smiling irresistibly. My heart swelled and skipped.

“Just that,” I said, touching his mouth, tracing the smile on his lips.

“Rosa, I rescued you from underground, I fought a lynx for you, tried to wrestle a bear for you. How can you possibly doubt my feelings for you now?” He laughed.

“I’m glad you find it so fu

“Ouch!”

He calmed down and took my hand, trying to be serious, “Rosa, you are the only one for me, and whether you see it or not, you are beautiful, pregnant or not, ok?”

“Ok,” I said dubiously.

He shifted uneasily, not sure how to approach. “Can I ask you something?” he asked, his beautiful eyes gazing into my own ‘defective’ ones.

“Anything.”

He reached out his hand, hovering it over my bulging stomach. I had been afraid he would want to do this. I was surprised it had taken him so long to ask. I urged the leech not to kick. “Can I…?”

I sighed and nodded.

His warm hand circled the top of my belly. I allowed it for a few seconds and then I asked him to stop. It made something tighten in my chest, a guilty feeling I couldn’t explain. He did stop, but I could tell it made him sad.

We had enough problems to worry about, without me adding jealousy to the list.

I was deep in thought as we wound our way back to the campsite, barely noticing the leaning buildings, barely hearing Careen’s inane chatter. The details of the city melted away like ru

My hand swung absently in Joseph’s as I contemplated our situation. We’d been following Apella and Alexei blindly, partly because they were the adults and they had a plan. But I was starting to learn that age did not automatically mean someone was wiser. After the ridiculous revelation that they’d been searching for people living in the ruins of the city, I doubted their ability to lead, to make good decisions.

We were now close to the border between old Russia and Mongolia. We could keep walking but to what end? If we went on indefinitely, the seasons would change and winter would kill us. With no shelter or stocks of food, we wouldn’t survive. There had to be a better plan than this.

I tapped my belly, feeling the hardness of it, the unbreakable shell that kept a barrier between Joseph and me, between my feelings for him and my feelings about our instant little family. In two months’ time, I would be having this baby whether I liked it or not. I didn’t want to do that on the side of a cliff or in a cave, half-frozen and starving. I shook my head, my hair falling in a curtain around my face. No. We needed to sit down and work it out together.

It was dusk when we arrived back at the camp. The grey light was greyer still for the disappointing fact that Apella had not lit the fire. She sat huddled under a blanket, her blonde hair shining like a vague, dusty halo, rocking Hessa. I rolled my eyes at her incompetence. One of our biggest concerns should be that Hessa wouldn’t survive a journey through snow and ice.

We threw our new belongings in a pile just outside the circle of logs. The shiny stack of new possessions made us ragged and grimy by comparison. If I’d had the energy I would have changed, but all five of us collapsed on the logs, food the only thing on our minds. Deshi coaxed a fire from the dying coals and I scrounged for food. I couldn’t find much in the way of edible plants. I screwed up my nose, it would be grey sludge tonight.

After we ate, I a

Clearing my throat of the grey slime that seemed to cling to the inside of my mouth like candle wax, I said, “What happens after tonight? I mean, what’s the plan for the next part of our journey?”

Alexei held up his map and traced his finger along the route we had already travelled. We had walked so far. “I think we have another couple of weeks of walking left to do and then we will be in Mongolia, or what used to be Mongolia,” he said.

My legs ached at the thought of it. “And then what?” I asked. “What’s in Mongolia? Is there something there you’re not telling us about?” I searched their eyes, looking for the lie. Apella kept her eyes on Hessa; Alexei leaned away from my gaze. “We haven’t seen the choppers in weeks. No one’s looking for us. Why should we keep going? Why not prepare ourselves for winter near here?”

Joseph and Deshi nodded in agreement. We were so weary and it would only get harder as the weather changed. Careen looked confused, her pale face serenely blank. Her eyes flicked to the nodding boys and she mimicked their movements. I had a feeling she would go along with anything if it meant she wouldn’t be alone.