The Woodlands

“Ok,” I managed to utter softly.

He raised his eyebrows. He was surprised. I guess he didn’t always know what I was going to do. I smiled at him. He pulled me towards him in a tight embrace, my stomach, as always, getting in the way.

“Rosa, thank you,” was all he said. It was relief and fear mixed together. I knew that now I had made this choice, there was no going back. Everything that I had held back came spilling over. I allowed the liquid gold to spread throughout my body, finding its way in the dark. Opening me up, making me brave and vulnerable. It felt good.

“Will you lie with me?” I asked.

“Of course,” he said, still surprised. I watched him nervously and clumsily zip the bags together. Stumbling over the logs we had stacked for the fire. He was the sweetest man I could have found. I let it in. I let him in. I would let it heal me.

I gently placed the piece of wood and knife on the ground by the fire. I would finish her tomorrow.

Joseph lay down and I curled up in his arms. He swept my hair back from my ear, tiny tendrils of electricity making me shiver. He whispered, “I love you.” There was no urgency, no pain to his voice. It was simple. I knew this was where I should be, probably where I was always supposed to be. I didn’t reply, but placed his hand to my heart, hoping nightmares would not find me that night.

To say I was happy wouldn’t be the right word. It was more like, once I had made that choice, I felt released. Released from the angst of denying myself something I had wanted so very much. A pressure in my heart let out. I felt normal.

Joseph still irritated me, with his permanently cheery outlook and terrible sense of humor. That would probably never change. But I never understood why anyone would want to be with someone who was the same as them anyway. I think that would be the worst of all. Always agreeing, never having someone challenge you. I would die of boredom. But when he held my hand, or sidled up behind me and whispered in my ear, I disappeared into a bath of gold. I still thought of Clara constantly, but I was sure this was the path she had been trying to put me on ever since we were found in the forest.

When we awoke, our confessions, our decisions, were laid out for everyone to see. But there was no interest in our sleeping arrangements whatsoever. I don’t know what I was expecting, perhaps a raised eyebrow or a sarcastic comment from Deshi, but none was forthcoming. It didn’t bother Joseph. Maybe they expected it would happen eventually. I don’t why it should have mattered, but I didn’t like the idea that people thought they knew what I was going to do.

After nearly throwing Hessa in the fire, I resolved to spend as much time with him as I could during the day. Not being able to sleep with him was hard and I was determined to make up for what I’d nearly done. I had almost finished my gift last night when I was interrupted. So I picked up the knife and carved the last details into her face and clothing while the others were eating breakfast.

There. I was done. Joseph put his hand over mine. I withdrew sharply, not used to allowing his touch. His eyes widened, worried that I had changed my mind.

“Sorry, old habits,” I said, turning to him and holding out my hand for him to take.

“It’s ok,” he said, slapping my hand away, “but that wasn’t what I was after.” He held out his hand, palm upwards. I placed her on top. “Wow!” he exclaimed as he turned it around in his fingers, tracing her hair and face, smiling to himself. “It looks just like her. Rosa, it’s beautiful.”

“Thanks,” I said shyly. I walked over to Deshi, who was arranging Hessa in the cradle. “Here, it’s for Hessa.” I handed the carved doll to Deshi. He eyed it suspiciously. “It’s ok; I used a really hard wood so even if he chews on it, it won’t harm him.”

Deshi took the doll, examining it carefully, and then smiled. “It does look very much like his mother,” he said as he held it in front of Hessa, who grasped at it and then proceeded to slobber all over her head. “You’re sure it’s safe?” he asked.

“Absolutely,” I assured him.

I left them to pack up, a

“You scared me,” I sighed as I moved to the tree to collect the fruit.

“Sorry, just thought you could use some help,” he said, unconvincingly.

“Um, all right, well just put the apples in your pack and I’ll collect those nuts over there.” I left him, but he followed me. I spun around and faced him, “What’s going on, Alexei, you’re not being very helpful. What do you actually want?” He obviously wanted to talk to me about something and I was never one to wait. I wanted him to get on with it. He fumbled around with his reader. “Spit it out!” I said, probably a bit too impatiently.

“It’s about Apella,” he said quietly. Of course it was. “I was wondering if you would let her spend more time with Gab...I mean, Hessa?” What a question, I thought.

“No. I don’t think so. Sorry.” I shook my head. I didn’t trust either of them.

“I know you think she’s a bad person but she’s not. If you understood more about her, maybe you would see things differently—maybe you would see her as I do.” He was pleading with me now, hands shaking. I didn’t want to know anything about her. I couldn’t feel sorry for her, but I suspected he wasn’t going to give me a choice. He sat down under the blossoms. An odd frame for his nervous, thin body. Flowers kept falling down around him, floating like snowflakes and landing in his thi

“When I met Apella, we were both at the Classes. She was a brilliant scientist, studying Medical. I was in the uppers also, training for Intelligence. We were lucky enough to be sent to the same town and were preparing for marriage and a child. But after years of trying, it was apparent that it was not going to happen for us. Apella left me.” He paused, reliving some painful memory. I tried really hard not to say that he would have been better off. He would have. “She was pulled into a secret project for Superior Este and I was left to manage the archives in Ring Eight of Casuarina.”

I wanted to stop him there. I could see where this was going.

He continued, “Apella was developing ways to help infertile couples conceive, working closely with Este and Semmez. At some point, she realized what they were really trying to do and that’s when they took me.” He stopped and engaged my eyes, slowly lifting up his shirt to reveal hundreds of tiny scars, burn marks. I winced and motioned for him to cover himself back up.

“They held me hostage for two years, threatening to kill me if she stopped making progress on the project. You see, she didn’t want to do this to you, Rosa. It was never her intention for her research to be used in this way,” he explained.

“But she let it happen. She didn’t try and stop them. To preserve your life, hundreds have had to suffer.” I couldn’t abide her choice.

“I know you think she’s selfish, but she really didn’t know until it was too late. After they had impregnated the first round of girls, Apella dedicated all her time to caring for them, giving up her senior research role to become a nurse.” I shuddered at the words ‘first round’.