The Woodlands

Hessa was sleeping. Peaceful. He was unaware of our journey. For him, home was under the trees. He had never seen the grey walls of Pau or the Classes, never seen the towering, concrete prison of the rings. He could have a free childhood. It was an exciting prospect and it motivated me even more than before.

Joseph filled me in on what I had missed. We had covered a lot of ground but there was still a lot ahead of us. Looking around, it seemed the scenery had opened up a lot. We were sitting at the edge of a field, tall grass and saplings dominating the landscape. It was much flatter than before and it made me feel exposed.

“Have there been any more choppers?” I asked. I felt foolish for not knowing, for being so unaware of my surroundings.

“No,” Deshi replied. He was preparing a bottle, spooning the grey sludge from the box in and watering it down, giving it a sharp shake.

Hessa awoke with a start, screaming. I panicked—had I done something? Deshi saw the fright in my eyes and answered my question.

“He’s hungry,” Deshi said as he opened his arms. I gently handed the child over and watched as Deshi adeptly fed and changed the child. He played with him for a while and then rocked him to sleep, placing him, tightly wrapped, in an emptied-out backpack. He looked at the child with a love that was unmistakable.

Joseph laughed at me, which I didn’t appreciate. “It’s just a baby, Rosa. You don’t need to be afraid of it. It cries, eats, and needs to be changed.” I had a bit of catching up to do. “Don’t worry, we’ll all help you.”

Hessa now had three parents.

Apella returned, her face composed but shaky, her lip quivering unappealingly as she spoke. “I know I can’t keep him. I know I don’t deserve him but I want to help. Will you let me help you?” She was humbled to the point of begging. I wanted to say no. But something softened in me. I would need all the help I could get. I wasn’t going to be her friend. I was never going to like her—but I could use her.

“Sure,” I said, deliberately trying to sound like I didn’t care. But I would be watching them both. We all would.

Watching Hessa sleeping on top of the backpack gave me an idea. It wouldn’t do for him to sleep like that, and we needed the backpack to carry other supplies.

“Can I have a knife?” I asked, surprised faces all around. I guess it was hard going from zombie to fully functioning human without people wondering whether you were insane.

Deshi searched around the site and found one. I set to work cutting down some of the bendy green saplings. As soon as I cut into the trunk, the right feeling was overwhelming. I ran my hand over the trunk, enjoying every little bump. I had missed this. I sliced through the sapling, sticky sap oozing from its wounds. I cut down about eight small trees and went to work ski

When I was finished, I cut up one of our blankets, trying hard not to picture its last use. With a pointed stick and more grass, I sewed it into my cradle to make a lining. I had made a crude capsule. I sewed strips onto the underside so that it could be carried on my back. It wasn’t pretty but it would work. We slipped Hessa inside it still wrapped. He was cozy and protected.

Apella put her hand up timidly. “Are you sure that is safe for a baby? He is so tiny. What if he slips out the bottom?” Both Joseph and I glared at her and she sealed her lips.

“It’s amazing!” Joseph said, congratulating me. “I had no idea you could make something like that.”

“Well, this is what I was going to do. Before…” I said. He looked at me sadly. I wished he would stop punishing himself. This was not his fault. None of it was. I didn’t blame him, but I couldn’t look at our situation the way he did, the way Clara did. It was not a blessing.

I grabbed his shoulders, heat pulsing through my fingertips, having to stand on my tiptoes to look him in the eye, my stomach touching his.

“This isn’t your fault,” I said. “Don’t look at me like you need to make up for something—you don’t.” I sounded angry, which is not what I meant. I just wanted to release him from this obligation he felt, this guilt.

He smirked. “There she is,” he said. He always confused me with his reaction to my anger. Like he enjoyed it or at the very least, expected it. I let him go and laughed. He was so a

Deshi volunteered to carry Hessa first and I didn’t object. I was tired from all that work and could not ignore my heaviness and awkwardness. Over the last three weeks, I felt like I had doubled in size. It got in the way of everything and it moved more and more, less like a kick and more like a stretching of my skin, squashing my organs and bruising my insides.

I was even more frightened of it than I was before. Especially after seeing what Clara had gone through and how it had ended. I had to hope that I would not suffer the complications that killed her, but even the idea of all that pain was too much to consider. I tried really hard to put it out of my head. I had some time and there was no point in worrying about something that was out of my control.

There were miles of track in front of us. It stretched as far as the eye could see. I felt Clara’s arm link in mine. I imagined her dragging me forward. I looked at Hessa’s beautiful little face poking out of his capsule. He was content, shadows of leaves playing games with his eyes. I felt a surge of energy with the revelation that his happiness and that look on his face had to be maintained. No matter what, we had to protect this child.

Clara, I miss you so much. I wake up and I’m trying to find you. Where are you now? I need to make sense of what happened to you but there are no answers. I hope I am doing what you wanted. I know I can never replace you. I won’t even try. But I promise, I will treasure Hessa, we all will. Please don’t leave me.

The days took on a peaceful current. Being so focused on caring for Hessa left no room for arguments. We took turns carrying him and feeding him. I let Deshi change him, finding the stench created by drinking that grey stuff too powerful for my sensitive nose. Joseph stoically offered to wash out the soiled cloths but made a loud fuss as he ran, holding them in front of him, pinching his nose.

The nights were harder. I insisted on sleeping with Hessa. I needed to hold him; scared he would disappear if I let him go in the darkness. Even though Apella promised she wouldn’t run away with him, I didn’t trust her. I held the child close, tucking him into my sleeping bag every night.

I woke up to yelling. Hands frantically waving, Apella said, “Rosa, put Hessa down.”

“Yes, gently,” Alexei stammered.

“Easy now, don’t panic,” Joseph said, although his eyes said differently.

“For goodness sake!” Deshi cried out.

Four pairs of panicked eyes were all stalking me slowly. Deshi had his arms out, eyes wide with terror. He was edging closer, taking tiny, timid steps that didn’t disturb the dirt around his feet. Approaching me, as I imagine, one would approach a wild animal that was about to charge. Joseph was standing across the fire. “Rosa, stop.” My head was muddled—stop what? I looked directly in front of me. I had Hessa in my hands. I was holding the plump little baby out in front of me over the fire. The heat was starting to hurt my hands.