The Woodlands

“Don’t worry; I’m sure you will get into Intelligence.”

“Yeah maybe, probably, oh I don’t know. I’m not too worried about that.” He was leaning on the door, his head so close I could feel his warm breath on my face.

He hovered over me, the heat coming off his body invited me to come closer, so I took a step back. “Do you want to come in?” I said, sweeping my arm open like a servant.

“You sure?” he asked. I shot him an eye roll. “Ok, ok, in I go!” he said, stepping through the door and into my private world. I bowed and shut the door behind him.

“So this is it? It’s just dust and old bits of leather.” He winked at me, a flutter in my chest made me feel like I was choking. I gave him a tour, showing him the old sewing machines, the rusty old conveyor belts. He seemed bored but he suffered on until we got to the place where I spent most of my time. We sat down on the seat I had made all those years ago.

“So what are you going to do?” His voice was a loud echo, out of place amongst the dust and stillness.

“I don’t know,” I confessed. All this soul searching and I had come no closer to a solution. Distracted by how close he was sitting, I was startled when he put his arm around me. It reminded me of the first time we met; I sighed and tried not to cry. Despite his a

“It’s ok; I know you’re going to miss me. You don’t have to say it. I know you can’t. I am going to miss you too. More than I want to,” he admitted, words pouring out of his mouth, each one floating down, nestling in my lap, behind my ears. His arms were so warm around me. Right here I felt safe, if only for a second. Who knew what might happen in the next few days? I let myself be in the moment, just this once. I leaned into the warmth and absorbed it. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I pulled my face back and stared at him blankly. I hadn’t realized up until now, but I was expecting something else. My whole body was agitated, buzzing. I was craving more of his touch.

He smiled at me sweetly, but there was a sad edge to it. I looked at his face, studying the line of his brow, the wonky line of his nose. I put my finger to his lip and pulled it down a little, turning my head sideways, squinting. He shook his head and I let go.

“What? What are you looking at?” he said, confused. His normally cool face looked flushed, bothered.

“What happened to your tooth?”

Joseph had a perfect smile, shiny white teeth, straight and lined up in a row, but on the bottom row, just to the side of the middle, one tooth was cracked and grey.

“Oh, nothing really. It was my dad…”

I felt an odd sense of protectiveness. It flaked off my skin, revealing a red-hot anger at the idea that someone would hurt him.

“What? Did he hit you?” My voice sounded shrill. I told myself to take a breath. I was getting too worked up.

“No,” he laughed, “nothing like that. One day we were playing in the backyard. He was getting me to catch a ball. I wasn’t watching what I was doing and I ran straight into the fence. I broke my nose,” he touched it lightly, “here. And I broke my tooth. The nerve is dead inside it.”

I laughed too. The idea of Joseph being uncoordinated enough to run into a fence was hilarious to me. He was so physically capable and athletic. I laughed until I realized how different we were. I mean, I knew we were different in personality and looks, but we also came from such different places. He had parents who loved him, who actually played with him. What a different life that must have been. I felt an overwhelming sadness for what he was going to lose.

It was stupid, but I took his head in my hands impulsively and kissed him. He didn’t move at first, but then he pulled me closer and kissed me back. He held me so tight I felt like I couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t care. If I could have got closer to him, I would have. My body flooded with warmth, liquid gold ru

“You don’t want this, Rosa,” he said, sensibly shuffling away from me subtly. I let out a short sigh. I was surprised that he was being the voice of reason here. The roles were reversed.

“I don’t understand, I thought...” I don’t know what I thought. I knew he was right. This was only going to create more heartache for the both us. But a big part of me didn’t care at all. It was too late. That kiss was going to derail me. I felt it changing me from the inside out, causing pain and warmth at the same time.

His blonde hair flopped in his face as he bowed his head and exhaled deeply, like he was sorting through something in his head. He lifted both his hands in exasperation, pulling his hair back and looking at me with searching eyes. I bit my lip and held my breath. I knew I wasn’t going to like what he said.

“I think you should stay. Spend some time with your mother. Talk to your stepfather. It’s painful, I know, but it’s good to have a family. It’s good to have people in your life that care about you.”

“You care about me. That can be enough,” I said, sounding like a spoiled child.

“I’ll be gone soon; I don’t want you to be alone.” His anguish was clear but his words made no sense. Whatever he did, whatever I chose to do, we would both be alone. Be apart. That was certain.

“I’m sorry,” he said. He turned and walked away, crashing into things in his haste to escape me. I stood there like an idiot waiting for him to turn around, for him to change his mind. But he never did. He walked out, closing the door behind him.

Kissing Joseph was by far the stupidest thing I had ever done. Worse than gluing the teacher’s butt to her chair. Stupider than putting laxatives in the teacher’s lounge coffee machine. I just wish that I could have stopped myself from taking it too far. But I never could. I resolved to talk to him the next day. He was right. Being friends was best. I could hold the memory of a friend in my heart without it tearing in two.

It was a naive thought that things could so simply go back to the way they were.

The next day I went to the gate, same as always. I waited, but Joseph never showed.

He was gone.

I went back to the factory hoping he would be there, which was ridiculous, but in the back of my mind a little spark kept flashing. He kissed me back, even if it was only for a second, he definitely kissed me back.

I sat there waiting all day, feeling frantic. Disliking myself more and more. I didn’t want to feel this way.

I started to get angry, imagining somehow Joseph had tricked me into feeling like this. It wasn’t like me and I tried to pull it out of me like a choked-on strand of spaghetti. I went to bed thinking—I’ll find him. I’ll yell at him. I’ll push him into the gate and tell him exactly what I think of him.

I don’t know what I was expecting. I waited at the gate the next morning, fuming, but he was a no show again.

I went straight home and slammed the papers on the kitchen table in front my mother, disturbing her pile of mending.

“I want to go now. Today.”

She was rattled, skittish, big brown eyes blinking repeatedly like she didn’t believe what she was hearing. Bobbing her head as if she could shake the news out of her brain like loose wax. I didn’t realize she was so certain I would stay. I didn’t realize it mattered to her one way or the other.

Due to the tight control in Pau Brasil, our wrist tattoos contained almost all the pertinent information needed to send me off. I looked down at the neatly printed barcode. I was ca