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For many years now this has been her private place, down here in the storeroom of Building 170, among the scattered trophies from when things were good. This is where she comes to think. Where she comes to wrestle with her burden. Not Pea—never Pea; Pea herself is not a burden. She is a joy. It is Pea’s difference that is the burden. Pea’s deafness. The question of what God wants for Pea, what A
BRING HER TO ME.
A
Sometimes it even feels like God’s voice can’t reach her here, as if this subterranean place is hidden from Him, too buried for His voice to find her. Sometimes it feels like she is a little girl in the quiet world again, like when she was Pea’s age, before Je
Sometimes it feels that way, but not all the time. Not tonight.
BRING HER TO ME.
• • • •
“So—” Robert clears his throat and then lowers his voice. “What are you doing tomorrow?”
“What am I…” Pea is confused. She steps back, toward the bed. “You’re joking.”
“No.”
Robert shakes his head. His hands are still clasped behind his back and he is staring at the ground.
“No, I’m not joking, Pea. Is your family going through with it? Are you?”
Pea, still in her child’s gold nightgown, gapes at him. He had been anxious before, nervous, like a child. Now it’s as if Robert is growing up before her eyes, his agitation becoming more purposeful, somehow, more adult. His hand worries at his hair.
“Everybody’s going through with it,” she tells him.
He shrugs. Makes a sour face.
“Is
your
family going through with it?” she asks.
“Yes.”
“Are you?”
He doesn’t answer. She stares at him. She feels the valves of her heart open, as if to allow an extra rush of blood. She pictures the kitchen counter, two floors down, where the meat lays in curled piles, waiting, the bloody pink slices of tartare.
“When you were little,” Robert asks her earnestly, “did you ever peek out from between your fingers when the Grace was being said?”
“I don’t know,” says Pea. “I don’t remember.”
She does, though. She does remember. She would peek from between her fingers, just as Robert is saying, peek out and watch as her parents mouthed in silent communion with the God they could hear and she could not. She would sit, fearful and strange, staring at her food and waiting.
“Tomorrow night,” says Robert. “It’s all I can think about.” He rushes to her, then, suddenly, lifts her hands and holds them in his own. “All I can think about is being here tomorrow night. Being alive. What it will be like, to still be alive tomorrow night. We could walk the streets between the buildings, Pea. We could do that. When everyone else is dead.”
It hits Pea like a wash of cool water: the absence of euphemism.
Dead
.
They won’t be
dead
, they will have
gone through
. They will be on the other side.
Or maybe not. Maybe they’ll just be dead.
Oh God
, thinks Pea,
where is your voice?
Oh God, guide me
.
“Why would you want to stay in this world?” she asks Robert quietly. “This world has collapsed. This world is broken.”
“Pah,” says Robert. “It’s collapsed because everybody stopped taking care of it. It collapsed because everybody’s been sitting around waiting to eat poison for twenty-four years.”
Pea stands there in the tense silence while time ticks by, and she feels thrilled and overwhelmed, disoriented and excited. She has thought these things before, in the dark spaces that in other people’s minds are filled by God’s word. The buildings, those remaining, tilting toward each other in the marshes like old dominoes. The broken elevators. The aluminum fixtures that used to be steel. Everybody just waiting. The world slowly ru
Pea feels a butterfly fluttering around in the cold chamber of her chest. Its wings brush against the bars. She whispers to Robert.
“You don’t hear Him either.”
“Oh, I hear Him,” he says. He doesn’t look like a fat nervous kid anymore, not at all, not to Pea. “I hear Him. I just think He’s full of shit.”
• • • •
Dawn is approaching and Marie St. Clair has finished her appointed rounds. Everybody in these three buildings knows. Everybody is ready. Everybody has been ready for years.
GO HOME NOW AND WAIT.
She tightens her sash around her chest, her heart beating faster and faster as the sunrise approaches.
GO AND BE GLAD.
There is no question in her mind. That is perhaps the greatest thing, that is what makes her happy. No doubt and no question, no trouble and no worry, she simply knows what will happen next. The truth. The uncomplicated truth.
• • • •
BRING HER TO ME.
“More.”
BRING HER TO ME.
“I need to know more. Please. Please. I need to know more.”
Ke
Does it mean what his wife insists, that they must allow the child to die, like everyone, and that she will be brought through? Or does it mean, as Ke
BRING HER TO ME.
He knows what is right. Time is ru
Ke
as if
, for he knows that indeed slowing down
will
make him stop. Ke
A
I am too late
, Ke
Too late too late
.
A
is
she?”
BRING HER TO ME, says the voice in Ke
He rushes past her. They search the room. They lift the mattress and throw it aside. They toss open the dresser drawers and paw wildly through. They crowbar open the closet and find it empty. They feel the heat of time, of the morning sun growing closer, of the dawn of the new and final day.
Ke