Flat-Out Love

Within a few minutes the server reappeared. “I understand you’ll be dining alone this evening.”

Julie nodded and looked up at the man by the table. He was about her father’s age and he smiled kindly at her. She nodded. Yes, she would be eating alone.

 “Your meal is paid for, and we’ll arrange for a cab for you when you’re ready. Have you decided what you’d like to eat?”

She shook her head. “Anything would be fine. You can pick for me. Just something very expensive. No goat, though.”

“Excellent. More champagne, Miss?”

What the hell? “Sure. More champagne. It’s a night to celebrate, right?”

She ate the stuffed lobster with truffle oil that appeared and then ordered dessert. A trio of chocolate something-or-others. She wasn’t paying attention. And since the champagne was sitting so well, and the server hadn’t carded her, she tried two dessert cordials that both tasted like cough syrup but made her head spin wonderfully after she managed to get them down. She should really consider taking up drinking because she was totally enjoying herself now.

She wondered how much this meal cost. Probably a good amount even though it was just her. If only she’d invited some friends then the bill would have been outrageous.

Julie waved her server over. “You know what? That truffley lobster was bang-up. Could I get five orders of that to go? Thank you. And give yourself a forty percent tip. Then I would like my cab, please. I’m ready to go home.”

Forty-five minutes later, Julie stumbled drunkenly into Dana’s apartment and threw the two bags of lobster into the fridge. She crawled onto the bed and turned on the television so that she could watch all the New Year’s celebrations. Shots of Times Square flashed on the screen. “Screw you, New York!” she shouted and muted the volume. Hey, maybe Fi

She fumbled her way back to the bedroom and messaged him. What are you wearing? He didn’t reply, so she tried again. I am only wearing thigh-high leather boots and twirling a leopard print parasol. Still nothing. He must be asleep. Why was he not there? She wanted to chat with him and hear him say cute, flirty stuff. She needed him now. He was fu

She kicked off one of her shoes and started to get changed as she pulled up a phone number. Her nylons were halfway off when he answered.

“Hello?”

“What are you wearing?”

“Um… who is this?” he said sleepily.

“Matty, it’s me!” she yelled.

“Julie?”

“Yes, Matty! Have you forgotten me already?” She looked dumbly at her tangled nylons, trying to figure out how she had tied them in a knot while they were still half-on. “What are you doing home? You should be out revelrying!”

She heard him laugh softly. “I was sleeping. And revelrying? I’m not familiar with that term.”

“Yes. It’s a term because I say so. I’m creative like that. Oh, my God, I’m The Terminator! Get it? Don’t you miss me and my delightful banter?”

“I do miss you,” he said, yawning. “Sure.”

“That’s not convincing. You’re hurting my feelings.”

“Everybody misses you. Especially Celeste. Thanks for all the emails you’ve been sending her.”

“Aw, my buddy Celeste.” Julie lay down on the floor and yanked on the bunched up nylons. “There. I did it!”

“You did what?”

“I got myself undressed!”

“I think you got yourself drunk, that’s what I think.”

“So what? So what if I’m drunk? I’m still fu

“You are fu

“My father is fan-frickin’-tastic. He’s clearly aiming for father of the year with the way he’s spoiling me. It’s a really good trip.”

“Er… Are you OK?”

“I’m perfect. Are you OK?”

“Yes,” he said. “Are you going to make it until midnight?”

“Of course I’ll make it to midnight. I’m go

“Sure. I’ll be there in a minute. Don’t start without me.”

“I can always count on you, can’t I, Matty? You’re the best, and you’re very helpful. I love you.”

“Now I know you’re drunk.”

“Calm down, silly boy. Not like I love you-love you. I just love you. You’re so smart. Oh, you love me, too, and you know it.”

“Have you had any water to drink?”

“See what I mean? That is the smartest idea ever!” Julie grabbed the footboard, pulled herself up, and headed to the bathroom.  “OK, here I go. Are you ready?” She turned on the faucet.

“Go for it.”

“Now, hold on. Don’t go anywhere.” She stuck her head under the tap and sucked in as much icy water as she could. “Ta da!” she a

“You also could have used a glass.”

“You didn’t say to, and you’re the one in charge. Now I have to pee. Don’t listen, because that would be gross.”

“Believe me, I will not listen.”

“You talk, and I’ll pee. Talk loud to cover up the pee sound. Tell me something interesting. You always have interesting things to babble about.”

“I do not babble. But for the sake of blocking out any noises you are about to make, I will ignore that remark and tell you that Celeste loved the messenger bag you gave her. And she didn’t blink twice when she saw the packs of hinges you’d put inside. She even had me add some a couple onto Flat Fi

“I know, right? I’m a smartie, too. Not as smartie as you because you are abnormally smart. I mean, seriously, Matthew Watkins. Do you know how bizarrely intelligent you are? It’s pretty freaky. I’ve never met anyone like you at all. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. So Celeste can just fold up ol’ Flatty and pack him in the messenger bag so no one will see. What about you? Did you like your shirts? They’re fu

“Obviously when you get drunk, you lie. And talk a lot.”

“I am not lying. They are actually a tiny bit adorable.”

“I knew you would come around.”

“I’m done peeing now.”

“Thank you for letting me know.”

Julie shuffled into the hall and caught sight of herself in the mirror. She swayed a bit from side to side and frowned at her sagging hairdo. “I look crazy. I think I should go to bed now.”

“Probably a good idea. Happy New Year.”

“Wait, don’t hang up yet! Tuck me in.”

“Tuck you in?”

“Yes. Tuck me in. Come to bed with me. Oh, wait, that’s not right, is it? Can you imagine?”

“Imagine what?”

“If we went to bed together. That would be bananas, huh?”

She heard him sigh. “This conversation has officially taken an alarming turn.”

“You’re just figuring that out now?” She plodded back to the bedroom, shut off the light, and got under the covers. “Matty?”

“Yes, Julie?”

“I have to tell you something.”

“Go ahead.”

“I like math.”

“I think that is wonderful.”

“And there’s something else.”

“Shoot.”

She cupped her mouth with her hand, whispering. “I’m a virgin.”

“Oh my God, Julie, I’m hanging up now.”

“I’m serious. This is important. I’m a freshman in college. How can I still be a virgin, huh? Nobody else is a virgin. Nobody else in the whole world. What about you? You can’t be. I mean, you had that girlfriend and everything. And you’re old.”

“Thank you.”

“Well, not old. But older than I am. So you definitely can’t be a virgin, right? Tell me. You’ve had sex, right?”