Betwixt

"You've just committed social suicide."

"Good. I might actually achieve something positive this year."

"What the hell has happened to you?"

I look at Amber's bitchy glare and reply with a smile.

"I woke up."

Everyone in the room looks totally baffled by my weird statement. They'll never understand what I saw while I was dying. They will never know the truth and they don't deserve to.

"You can go now."

"With pleasure." Trent grabs Julie's hand and pulls her out the door, glaring at me one last time before turning away. Everyone else follows suit.

I hold my chin high as they leave. It begins to wobble slightly when Amber slams the door, but I catch my lip and command it to stay still. I kept my promise to Jody. That's a good thing. It is. Who cares if I'm now a social outcast?

Closing my eyes, I lean my head against the pillows and let the tears descend. At least Dale will be by soon to mop them up for me.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

He didn't come. Dale never showed up to wipe away my tears... not one.

I cross my arms and fume away in the back seat.

"Are you okay, honey?" Dad looks at me in the rearview mirror.

"Fine." I give him a tight nod.

"Is your leg hurting... or your elbow?"

"No, Mom, I'm fine, really."

I turn away from their worried frowns. I should be happy that I'm heading home. I should be grateful that the doctor let me out a day early. Mom has been explaining how she's set up a bed for me in the living room so I won't have to go upstairs and I'd have everything I need at my fingertips.

I don't care.

Why had Dale not come by? I could have sworn I'd seen him when Adam arrived on Tuesday, but maybe I was wrong. Mom said he had been by while I was out of it. Why had he ditched me as I lay totally coherent for the last day and a half?

Maybe he'd changed his mind about me. Maybe now that I was real and not just a voice in his head he didn't want to know me anymore. I tug at the hospital tag around my wrist, wanting to rip it off.

Dad pulls his car into the drive. Cutting the engine, he looks at me with worried eyes.

"I'm fine, Dad. Just get me into the house."

It is a painful mission. I can't use crutches and the wheelchair won't go up our front steps, so Dad has to carry me while Mom fluffs around trying to get the damn thing to open. It ends up taking forever so Dad just has to stand there holding me, while giving constant advice that Mom just finds irritating.

"Dad! Would you just shut up and let Mom do it on her own. She's not stupid."

Mom gets the giggles. Dad responds with a dark look then mumbles, "I'll just carry you through to the couch." Which is exactly what he does.

Placing me down, he gently pops a pillow under my leg and stands up, looking proud of himself.

"All good?" He gives me a smile.

I force my lips north then give him a quick nod. He gently pats my good leg and walks out of the room. Mom strolls in with the wheelchair and is nice enough to forgive Dad with a kiss as he mutters a quick apology.

Taking a seat by my side, she flicks her hair out of her eyes and clears her throat.

"We're going to hate that wheelchair, aren't we?"

She looks over her shoulder at it and nods. "Probably."

"This sucks." I rub my forehead and turn away from her.

"You're not mad about that chair though, are you?"

I can't look at her as I shake my head and feel the tears burn.

"Are you ready to talk about your friends visiting you the other day?"

"They're not my friends," I mumble.

Gently taking my hand, she gives my fingers a squeeze.

"You did the right thing, asking them to leave you alone."

I look at her and shrug.

"Maybe... but now I have no one." Tears catch in my throat.

"What about Dale?"

"What about him?" I sniff.

"I thought maybe there was something going on between you two."

"Yeah, well me too, but now..." I shrug, aiming for casual. "It doesn't matter anyway."

I lift my chin.

A small smile flitters over Mom's lips.

"Starting afresh can be really hard, we all have challenges ahead of us. I feel like this accident of yours has been the defibrillator shock we've all been needing."

I grin.

"Yeah, I know."

Tucking my long bangs behind my ear, she turns my head so I'm facing her.

"You've been living a life you hate for a few years now. It's time to start fighting for the life you want."

Her blue eyes sparkle.

"I don't know what I want, Mom."

"Yes you do."

Her grin is filled with amusement and I let out a groan.

"Fine! Hand me the phone."

With the elegance of a queen, she rises from the couch and retrieves the phone along with a small scrap of paper. She places it in my hand with a wink and slides the internal doors shut behind her.

I stare at the phone for a long minute trying to decide if I want to do this. Dale and I went through so much those three days he was searching for me. Maybe it was simply the high pressure that made me feel this way about him.

I close my eyes and think about myself squished into the corner of a jail cell with his arms either side of me. That look in his eyes spoke volumes. I couldn't ignore it... but why hadn't he come to see me?

With an irritated huff, I glance at the paper and dial his number.

Two rings later.

"Hello, Dale speaking."

"Where have you been? Why didn't you come see me the last couple of days?"

"Hey Nicole," his voice is calm and easy. "How's it going?"

"Seriously?! That's all you have to say?"

There's a pregnant beat and then he sighs.

"I came to see you on Tuesday, but your friends beat me to it. I just thought you might need a little space to figure out what you want. I wasn't sure where we stood."

"Where we stood? We just went through all that crap together and you don't know where we stand?"

"Look, you already know how I feel about you. I don't want to pressure you to reciprocate, so I thought I'd let you make the next move."

"You don't know anything about girls, do you?"

"Give me a break, Nicole. I just want you to decide what you want for you... not because of me, not because of your parents... or your dumb ass friends. What do you want?"

"I don't-" I'm about to say know, but stop myself. For the first time in what seems like years I do know what I want and I hate that he's making me say it. I huff. "I want you to call me and see how I'm doing. I don't want to lie alone in a hospital bed all night waiting for you to mop up my tears. I want you to be here to welcome me home. I want you to watch movies with me and hang out and listen to Granite with me. I want to read your book and design its cover. I want you to hold my hand and I want you to kiss me goodbye at the end of the day... and I don't want to have to tell you to do any of this stuff! I can't believe I'm humiliating myself like this. Just forget it. You're an obnoxious ass, Dale."

He chuckles.

I would have done anything for an old fashioned phone right about now. Instead I have to suffice with pushing the End Call button really hard.